DD behaviour becoming increasingly aggressive to me - divorce fallout

[greenberet]

Posted in teens but also here

I have posted before about the ongoing difficulties I am having with twin 16 year olds after going through an extremely acrimonious divorce where the financial outcome means they have had to leave their school and we have to move from the family home the start of next year.

My Dd is extremely strong willed and as a result her behaviour can be particularly challenging when she is required to do something she does not want to do.

I am getting in constant battles with her as she believes as she is now 16 she can do as she likes which means being out with either boyfriend or friends all the time including sleepovers and only coming home when she wants. The only time she will communicate is when she wants something. I have just had her slap me several times and tell me to f.off after I took her phone away. Again not the first time.

her father ignores any email I send him when I am looking for support and if anything antagonises the relationship between her and me by telling me to give her her phone back ( he pays for it) or agreeing that she can stay at his when I have tried to ground her. Their relationship is generally not good -Dd has refused to meet OW and her kids since his affair ( 3 years ago ) even though DS has and this in itself incurs difficulties.

The latest argument is about a holiday. Ds is away with the x and Ow for a week followed by a week at x,s home with them. Dd is now not seeing her father for 3 weeks when the contact time is normally every Tuesday and every other weekend as she refuses to spend time with OW. This is not the first time something like this has happened. Dd did not get to see her father over Christmas as OW and her kids were with him and the same incurred last summer.

This also impacts on me. I have managed to get a last minute holiday cottage and have said she can come with me and my BF - whom she knows- and her BF can come too. I have said she can do as she likes whilst there - I am not expecting her to come around with me all the time. She has refused saying she doesn't want to come but will stay at home on her own instead. I have told her this is not an option either she comes on her own or with her BF or she can go with her father which I know is unfair on her but I do not know what else to do. There is no one else I can ask to "mind" her!

This results in a major tantrum with the I can do what I want I am now 16 and results in the aggressive behaviour to me when I take her phone away.

So how do i deal with this. I either backdown on letting her stay home alone, cancel the holiday (which I could do with) and then have to get the x to agree to have both kids another time so I can go away - he has so far ignored my emails when I said he needs to arrange this Or somehow I "force" her to come away which I can't see how this can happen without escalating more.

I am struggling to know how to deal with this. My MH has not been good I have just had 6 weeks of counselling to try and help me move forward from where I'm at but this has been taken up with parenting issues. I know a lot of the behaviour can be put down to normal teenager or the divorce but I can't let this go oN.

They are both having to deal with huge changes as a result of their father - I am trying to keep it altogether but I am also having to face the possibility of moving completely out of the area in order to secure my financial future - which the courts failed to do! - and the implication of this is that the kids may have to live with their DF full time to go to their choice of college.

I am considering relate family therapy even though it is unlikely the kids will agree to come - but how do I deal with this latest issue - I feel I have to cancel the holiday.

Also in relation to the " contact agreement" with the X - this was never formalised although did get seen by solicitors during divorce as there were lots of issues with contact. I'm assuming this is basically not worth the paper it's written on due to the kids age- X has no regard for what's fair - as long as he still sees the kids which he does he doesn't give a stuff about whether I get a week off for a holiday or he is paying me £112 per month for their upbringing.

Thanks for any advice

I have spent the whole day dealing with this. The emotional toll is exhausting. Dd is still refusing to come and has even phoned the X to see if she can stay there - of course he said no - he won't even let her have a key. No doubt he will have given her some bullshit reason as to why she can't stay there - like it's leased or something.

She has told me that if she has to come with me she will make the week hell - she will smash the place up so that I have to pay - I've told her that ultimately she will have be the one that pays.

I am so fed up of dealing with this shit. It is relentless just one thing after another all a result of the x being a complete dysfunctional narc.

And he wants to know where I will be moving. Nothing to do with him. He manipulated it so the family home was sold and that I got screwed over financially this is the consequences. I have to secure my future somehow. If my cancer returns I need the financial cushion that got swallowed up by legal fees in his quest to destroy me.

He has recently told me the reason he is not paying the full maintenance is because I did not accept his offer in court. His offer was below what it needs to be - that's why it wasn't accepted. And now he is using this as his justification for only paying me the amount based on his salary that he told the CMS and not his full earnings.

I am so fucked off with this - the divorce is done I should be free of him but I am not - he still uses the kids to get at me.

I'm sorry I really don't have any advice but I didn't want to read and run. This is a horrendous situation :(
Although I can't help I will listen if you need to let off some more steam.

Are you worried about what your dd will get up to if you leave her? Sounds like you need a break from her as well.

The first thing I would do is stop emailing your ex for support.

I know you should be able to co parent amicably, but it doesn't seem to be playing out that way. Asking him for help makes you feel bad when he ignores you, and makes him feel important. On those occasions when he's got involved, he's made it worse, so stop emailing.

To me, dd sounds incredibly hurt and sad. You are bearing the brunt of it, but she needs to feel loved and like she is the centre of your world. Her refusal to meet ow may be out of loyalty and support for you, and hints at how she really feels about you.

Can you find a calm moment to make sure she knows how important she is? Was she consulted about the holiday before booking?if so, has she said all along that she wouldn't go?

In your situation I would ask her what option she wants you to take, and one of those options should be the two of you going on holiday together. If she insists on staying behind, I'd cancel. I know you want a holiday, and it feels like she's won, but you have lots of years of holidays ahead of you, and what's wrong with letting her win anyway, it might just demonstrate your resolve to make things right for her when everything else in her life is spinning out of control.

thanks rainyday you have helped me realise something

the X ignoring my emails does not make me feel bad - if anything it was done so he could not accuse me of "alienating" him from his kids by not informing him what was going on in their lives. I guess i have sent enough emails to show otherwise and he really is not interested - the contact is probably only to stop himself looking a complete cunt professionally - pretty hard to explain why you no longer see your kids isnt it! so the odd tweet that he is doing washing etc makes him look like a devoted dad!

i realised today that even when we were together most of the parenting was down to me - i have mistaken the fact that he was here for "support" - there was very little support - he was too wrapped up in his work and doesn't like conflict so all difficulties were left for me to sort out.

at the times i was unable to cope due to depression he thought he was being punished when he had to make the kids tea - says it all really doesn't it?

He is not paying the full whack of maintenance - I am having to go through CMS and really is nothing more than a glorified babysitter when I come to think of it. If I had more resolve and other sources of support I would not need to ask him but this will cease from now.

My DD is incredibly hurt - she worshipped her father - but he has lost her - he will never have the relationship he could have had with her - a fathers job is to show his daughter a good role model - thankfully due to his actions she has realised that what she thought was a good role model was fake!

the refusal to meet OW is an expression of how much hurt her father has done and also she believes the OW should have stayed away from a family - her sense of family unit is very strong!

she knows that i love her i tell her often - she knows that none of this is her fault - there are big changes coming up which she is obviously anxious about.

I thought offering to take her and her BF away would give them a change of scenery - i know she wouldn't want to come away on her own but after talking to her she wants to be around her friends - i get this.

thanks for listening

I'm glad you talked to your dd and reached an understanding about the holiday. I have been where you are now and it is utterly shit. People worry about the impact of divorce on their young dc but teens really do take it hard. Your dd is coping with a lot, as are you, and I hope things get better as you come out the other side. Your dc are old enough to see you struggling to keep it all together, and appreciate it more than you know. As adults, you will have a strong bond that your ex will never experience.