Can you help me with the practicalities of initial (raw) stages of marriage break up?

[Otterspotter]

Dh has revealed he's had an affair and has been unhappy for a long time. I've known for a long time that our relationship has had some pretty fundamental flaws, specifically our total lack of emotional communication but not known how/been brave enough to do anything about it. He is also going through a personal crisis and also revealed that he has been seeing a counsellor for several weeks.

This has all come out in the last week and we managed to get a Relate appointment very quickly and had the assessment last night. Though I think he feels a sense of duty to give it a go, I don't feel that he has any real drive to give it a good go or that he is very hopeful for us. In reference to this he has said to me he 'doesn't know where he's at' and last night in our meeting in response to the question how do you think Relate can help you he said 'at the very least to have a working relationship since we have two children'- no talk of supporting us to rebuild our relationship etc.

I initially asked him to stay away to give us (me) a chance to be separate and not just fall straight back into our previous method of sweeping things under the carpet and keeping on going since you have to keep on going with two young children around. Last night he expressed a degree of anger about this and so we agreed a plan of him coming home and being in the spare room.

I just feel so confused about what day to day life will look like while we try and process what is happening to us. Will we have meals together? Do I do his washing? Do we sit around together? Do we go on our holiday at the end of August?

I've made it a condition of him being here that we actually talk so have got my mum on hand for example for the weekend to look after the children do we can talk away from them but if anyone can support me with thinking through the logistics of the coming weeks I would be very grateful.

Ummm so you're running round trying to work out ways of 'fixing' the relationship after he has cheated on you?

Hello OP sorry you have to go through this. Well done for getting him to Relate. I am still sharing a house with stbxh and our two adult children after he asked for divorce in March. Mostly we manage to be civil. We do eat together about half the time, I or DS usually cook, others clear up. I still do most of shopping we still have a joy t account for bills and food, it's good to control that. Make sure you have some money of your own. We each have the same amount of money set aside for personal use each month.
Do whatever housework makes you feel better, it's depressing being in a mess, but don't do his laundry, why should you?
He will probably start going out lot. Try to get some time for yourself with friends. There are other threads supporting us on here have a look. Good luck let us know how you get on

Ok thank you. Can you point me in the direction of some useful threads please?

Can't give a direct link on app, but called 'Further Support for those starting divorce process' hope you can find it. A bit depressing but I find it so helpful x

don't feel that he has any real drive to give it a good go or that he is very hopeful for us.

This is his answer, and I'm sorry but you cannot fix a marriage on your own.
Attend the Relate appt with the view of helping aid your communication as co parents this is vital. But not with the hope of saving your marriage.
Day to day agree in advance what you do and don't want to do- I'd do washing probably but wouldn't want to eat with him personally. I'd split the child tasks and get some me time as he needs to start getting used to the kids on his own, as do they.

Don't try to make him talk. It's not the right time and it won't work until and unless HE wants it. So step back and get started on some self care- time for you, support for you, space for you to grieve and rage and do whatever you need to.