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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

2 kids, no independent money

26 replies

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 00:35

..if I want to leave, can I get help? DH is not abusive but he is terrible at talking things through. Recently, it really has come to a head, I am not working at the moment so except for Child Benefit I have nothing going into my account but H is still expecting me to use my overdraft which is very in the red to pay for daily stuff and groceries. He is not a tight man but just doesn't live in the real world. He is self-employed and I do his invoices and chase them up etc so I know he doesn't have money stashed away. He is as honest as the day is long. BUT I try to talk to him about finances and how he needs to tell his 'boss' that he needs to be paid on time instead of me having to get in contact with boss because OH's card bounced for a grocery delivery (twice in the last month) so yet again I have had to pay it out of my overdraft. I am not working at the mo, no benefits as he is S.Employed and I don't want to get hit with overpayments and it's hard to work out what we can say he has earnt.

Sorry, went off on a tangeant then. Right, my question and predicament is, he refuses to talk to me about the above problems, literally shuts down, closes his eyes, sighs loudly and then takes himself off to bed. So nothing has been talked about like adults and so nothing is resolved or plans to help. And so it's a vicious circle. I love him a lot but even I realise this cannot carry on like this. We have been together 5 years and he is SD to my son and we have a DD who is nearly 2.

Sorry, this is the real question, waffled too much earlier. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being the practical, stressed one, in debt with no chance to get a decent career again, to be independent and not having to deal with someone who won't even discuss practical problems and shuts down and calls me a nag.

How can I leave, when neither the kids nor I am danger, but I have no money to get out? Any advice would be great, I don't want it to get to that but seriously I cannot carry on without wondering if there is an escape route if I need it. God, that was long!!

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 05/08/2017 00:41

Can you work?

PlaymobilPirate · 05/08/2017 00:45

You need to get a job really.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 00:47

Not at the mo, because of the school runs and Dd there really is nothing about in our area. I would happily work anywhere but due to DH's and job he can't do anytime in the week. The only other option is trying to work in a supermarket at the weekemd but it's so crap out there that I can't even get in to that. I used to have a proper profession, but it was London-based and I have been out of it for a few years now so can't get back in very easily. Plus, add childcare onto that it just isn't doable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 00:50

I know I need to get a job, but it isn't feasibly possible at the moment, that's why I posted. I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 05/08/2017 00:50

A lot of self employed people work off overdrafts. My dh did but it was in his sole name. The nature of the business is money comes in spurts so overdrafts are often necessary. I found it stressful at first but got used to it. But no way would l have had it in my own name. Can you change that so he can do the worrying.
Also dhs family lived on constant overdrafts so he was used to it. Mine didnt.
Think getting a job is the best plan.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 00:59

It's getting to the point that he will not talk to me about anything, and I don't think I want to be with someone who never wants to sort out problems without acting like a child he is 47! Apart from getting a job, which I can't right now, can I get any help if I feel that the kids and I need to get away?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 01:04

Sorry june missed your post. My overdraft is pretty much being used as an extension of his, but he really doesn't see the problem with that, he really has his head buried in the sand. I don't think I can do this forever anymore, it's so stressful and tiring.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 01:13

I kind of have him a time frame a couple of months ago that unless he gets his act together with setting rules with his boss (ie getting paid on time) then he can stay at home and I will go back to work full-time and he could stay at home, earning like I used to. Hence the promises, and then no change. Fed up with empty promises and stuck at home

OP posts:

Seeingadistance · 05/08/2017 01:37

Oh, how I hate a sighing man! Especially when the sighing is in response to an attempt by the woman to have a serious, important and adult conversation about something that really matters!

Is he aware of your two month timeframe, and if so, does he have anything to say about that?

If the overdraft became his, and not yours, would that make a significant difference?

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 05/08/2017 01:55

The two-month timeframe is nearly up, he won't talk about that either. I am stuck. If we (he) could talk through stuff like this without acting like a Kevin, I wouldn't even be posting this. How hard is it as an adult, to talk to another person as an adult?

OP posts:

Isetan · 05/08/2017 06:25

If you need two overdrafts to support your family then his business really isn't supporting his family. Essentially, a not very good businessman (if it wasn't your contribution to his business you'd be worse off) is the family breadwinner, not smart of both of you. Have you looked into benefits because your family income is pretty low if you can't survive without two overdrafts.

This is who he is and probably always has been, it's just that when you had an income it wasn't as noticeable because having your income papered over the cracks of his poor business acumen.

If you are serious about ending the relationship then do so. Tell him you want a divorce and get advice about benefits, housing etc. Don't waste more time in waiting for him to be different. He will probably stick his head further in the sand but most important, is to get the ball rolling and gaining momentum. At present there are absolutely no consequences to him burying his head in the sand and no benefit to your handwringing, something has to change and since you are not happy with the status quo, the onus is on you.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 05/08/2017 07:08

If you end things and move out, you will be entitled to JSA (assuming you comply with the job-seeking requirements). Through this you will also be entitled to some tax credits and housing benefit.

Housing benefit is paid a month in arrears so you need to have some way of paying the rent up front to start with (plus deposit etc).

Much better if you can get yourself into work first, if at all possible.

Onthemove2 · 05/08/2017 07:09

What would happen if you told him you had spent your overdraft and had no money left at all?

KarmaNoMore · 05/08/2017 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/08/2017 07:22

You need to go back to work and he needs to give up work and become the main child carer, surely? His work clearly isn't providing anything like a living wage...

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/08/2017 08:01

If you left you would get tax credits and also maintenance from him. Your dd would be entitled to free 15 or 30 hours childcare at a nursery. You could find yourself a part time job that fits in with school drop offs. It's no use saying there's nothing out, keep looking until there is.

Could you and your kids stay with a family memeber until you get a deposit for a house together?

There are ways out don't think your stuck with him.

KarmaNoMore · 05/08/2017 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

christmaswreaths · 05/08/2017 08:34

I also think you need to work. You can use childcare for schoolruns, like all or most working parents. Work will give you the confidence to see the situation in a different way whilst also taking financial pressure off. Good luck.

KarmaNoMore · 05/08/2017 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkmagic1 · 05/08/2017 08:47

You need to try and get a job. If you need to go into 2 overdrafts just to survive, being a sahm is clearly not an option. Your dh also needs to seriously consider if his self employment is working.
Depending on your Dh's hours, maybe you could look at working around one another. I worked evenings in a call centre for a while whilst my dc were younger. It fitted around my Dh's hours and meant no childcare costs.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 09:00

The School run is a red herring, lots of people work and use childcare so it's easily doable.

He needs to either step up the SE and make it work or find an employed job role however you need to do your part too. Lecturing him for not making enough money when you aren't making any is a little harsh, it's supposed to be team work.

There are childcare vouchers etc that can assist with the costs of childcare.

Emboo19 · 05/08/2017 09:04

Does he have an accountant? For tax credits you just need his last annual income after expenses, which he really should have. Have you spoke to them to see if you're eligible, as if you're not managing without two overdrafts I'd imagine you'd be intitled to something. Do you get maintenance for your dc? If not can you put a claim in for that?

If you tell him it's over would he move out? So you could claim as a single parent. Is the house owned or rented?
Have you got family you can go stay with? Now it's school hols might be a good time if no ones close. And you actually leaving him, might make him take notice and talk to you about things.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/08/2017 09:11

Can he move out? Then you can claim benefits until you find a job

greenberet · 05/08/2017 09:20

Sorry op my take on refusing to discuss serious issues such as finances is a form of abuse - certainly emotional abuse. Your DH seems happy enough to let you pick up the slack by being the one worrying over making ends meet and having the embarrassment/ emotional worry of how you are going to feed your kids. Add to this that he calls you a nag for trying to get him to engage shows a lack of respect.

karma gives some good advice re divorce situation - you would also be entitled to child tax credits and would get additional working tax credits with a job. Check out "entitled to" website.
I would think very seriously about going back to work and your DH becoming the SAHP - how much does he get involved with the childcare or household stuff now - does he see that he has a responsibility to do his bit or does he have no time/ inclination as all his effort goes into his job. You may find yourself becoming the main breadwinner in addition to everything else.

You say he is 47 and you have been together 5 years - what's his backstory?

notapizzaeater · 05/08/2017 09:21

Do you own the house or renting ? Is he on the the agreement ?

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