Husband lashed out!

[Feelingconfused1]

So not even sure where to turn but here goes...
My husband lost his temper today and hit me.
So let's set the scene: just spent a week with his fam - over 200 miles away (painful and stressful) so to finish off our trip I had booked us and kids into nice hotel closer to home for night. Had been looking forward to relaxing (ha as if with a 3 and an almost 5 year old) only to have my parents 'surprise' us! Not quite what I had in mind but anyway ya gotta roll with it. Anyway as we are in car this morning a huge argument breaks out as I knew it would due to my parents adding stress to what was supposed to be 'our' family time. This resulted in him punching me in the thigh while we in car and my two boys in the back seeing all. Absolutely disgusted and devastated that they witnessed this!!!! Bad enough they listened to argument about sweet f@#k all really, but to end on that! Was so angry and said to him I can't believe you just done that in front of kids! Anyway hadda put on a smile as we got outta car with kids to spend fun family day out with my parents. Didn't speak to him rest of day and now at a lose of what my next move is.....
Always said if a man ever lifted his hand to me I would be gone! But with kids and mortgage I'm at a loss. He had said sorry but I can't even look at him. Normally a kind hearted man but suffers anxiety so that also adds stress to just about every situation we are in especially since kids came along as he wants to wrap them up in cotton wool and it drives me nuts. One of our kids has autism which also had added quite a lot of strain to our relationships for past couple of years. NOT making excuses just saying I am also on my last nerve most days too so not innocent either.
Anyway no judgement please just looking to see if anyone else ever been in similar situation as really don't know where to turn. Thanks

Does his anxiety and stress cause him to punch anyone else - family, friends, colleagues, random strangers? No? He can control it around everyone else? Just his wife he likes to land one on then?

Leave him.

It sounds as if you're both hugely stressed. Not making excuses for him at all but could you take time out to think and talk? Counselling maybe?

My decision would depend on what he did to change things so this never happens again.

He does have a bad temper alright. And it sounds really strange but I predicted this day would come. We had an argument few years back where he had his fists clenched and I started yelling cmon hit me if your gonna do it, and he was shocked that I'd even think he would and yet here we are!
Due to strain in relationship for past few years I had convinced him to come to couples counseling last year and after first session he said he wouldn't go back, the next day his dad died so i suppose life just took over as it does and time passed since that. I had made decision to leave him in January and we decided to give things a go again and things were great for past 7 months and I wondered what on earth was I thinking back in January - until today that is, and the all the negatives came flooding back! I know what I need to do but my heart is broke at the thought of putting the wheels in motion for my kids.

OP you know what you need to do. Get it over with before you get even more hurt or he turns on the kids.

You can survive this and better a single mum than a battered, abused or dead one.

Thanks all. X

The fact that you saw it coming says a lot. It wasn't out of the blue, it was an escalation from an already angry and aggressive man. We all know where that leads.

Your lives sound very stressful but yours will only be worse tip toeing around him to try an prevent him losing his temper again.

You will all be happier without the atmosphere that a man like this brings. I don't know how you work out access arrangements in this situation - it doesn't seem fair for your DCs to have to spend time with him given that you don't want to, but unless it's reported you have no real reason for them not to.

Might be worth getting some counselling for yourself to try and help you through the split and perhaps talk about it as a safe guarding issue with your counsellor?

I'm so sorry for you, even knowing this day would eventually come it's a huge upheaval for you. But it will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Do you want your kids to think this ok? In years to could them give their partners a slap when they are out of line? Or be on the receiving end just because they a difference of opinion. This hasn't come from no where as you've said he clenched his fists before so signs are there that anger towards you has increased. Get out now as things will only get worse.

I knew the instant it happened what I needed to do but guess I needed to hear from someone else. I'm not naive about these things. Just gutted to have to now turn our lives upside down because of his actions! More angry than anything at him.
Do I leave him? Or does he leave? I have my parents to go to but because his family at other end of country he only has us around here so he's nowhere to go at short notice. How do I play it?

I have my parents to go to but because his family at other end of country he only has us around here so he's nowhere to go at short notice. How do I play it?

'Ok husband here are the options. Either I go, and you stay here in this house on your own, we sell it immediately and I buy something else in time. Or you go, I keep the kids in their house and I don't go to the police about the assault yesterday. Then we sell once the kids have left full time education. Your choice'.

If a person in the street assaulted you, you would report them to the authorities. The fact that your H has now hit you is no different from that situation. There was and remains no justification or excuse for his actions.

He can and has managed to control himself around outsiders; it is you who he has chosen to hit here. Therefore he does not have an anger management problem. He does have a problem though with anger, your anger when you call him out on his own unreasonable behaviours.

Marriage and children are not actually insurmountable obstacles to leave and your children cannot afford to grow up with a man who is violent to you their mum. He wanting to wrap them up in cotton wool will simply fuel his anxiety further as well as doing them no favours either when they are eventually out in the adult world.

Him saying sorry means nothing, the only real option for you and your children going forward is to make plans with the help of Womens Aid to leave him. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

It sounds like he needs to address his anger issues. It sounds like a really stressful time for both of you.

How is he now? Has he acknowledged it happened? Is he sorry? My advice would depend on what he's been like since.

Thanks all for above - really appreciate advice.
Yes he said sorry a couple of times yesterday but I have been giving him silent treatment as I can't bear to look at him. He is carrying on as normal ever since. He hasn't spoken to me today as think he realized I am highly pissed off with him.

We own our house so joint mortgage. Will see how things turn out today and hope he leaves! Not having my kids grow up watching us constantly argue and now to have this in the mix is a massive NO NO for me! X

Personally I wouldn't do the silent treatment. I'd take charge. I'd tell him he crossed the line and there are the two options above. Don't let him drive what happens next.

Don't hope that he leaves. Tell him to leave.

Really, you should report him but I don't think you will.

If his anxiety or your parents or his dead dad caused him to lash out through no fault of his own, then he'd be going around hitting everyone! His boss, his family, random people in the street. But does he? Does he fuck. So he can control it, which means he chose to hit you.

If you stay, he will hit you again the second you stop adjusting your behaviour to prevent it. Could even be years from now. But it will happen.

Please, please don't let your boys grow up thinking there are no consequences to this. Because they will learn it, they will repeat it, and they will hopefully end up in relationships with people strong enough not to put up with it.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. Do you think you'll feel the same way when the dust settles.

You're going to have to stop the silent treatment and start planning what happens next with him. Give a deadline on when he has to leave by.

Did you want to leave him before this happened?

The fear and anticipation you have felt for years has been abuse in itself. You knew he was capable of this and now he has proved it. I had a relationship like this and it ALWAYS escalates. And in my experience it escalates quickly once they have crossed that line. Get out now before he seriously damages you and children, physically or mentally.

You are all worth so much more than living in fear - life does not have to be like that.