FFS

[MoonPower]

I have been with DH for 20 years. Both in our V. Early 40's. Both of us have what you might call strong characters. We have 2 kids. I have never since meeting him wanted to be with anyone else.
Lately he has been so fucking stressful. He's grumpy with the kids, grumpy with me when I mention it. He's overweight, drinks too much, feels like he wants to be healthier but does nothing about it without heaps of prompting, and then it's very tokenisation (eating salad for dinner/ riding his bike to work for a couple of days).

He has had some stress at work lately - but tbh I am not sure that it's not his own fault for being a grumpy arse from what he's told me.

I also work and like most mum's seem to do more than my share share of housework / childcare / organising Everything.

He does childcare when he's around but is quite often so grumpy with the kids it's easier to tell him to leave me to it.

He always wants to have sex. I'm so tired most of the time we don't have it as much as before kids. When we do it's great though. Thank goodness. I really do get the thing about it being the thing that binds you!

I just feel like I put so much more energy into everything than he does. And I'm FAR less bloody grumpy.

I am by no means claiming to be an angel. I do loose my shit with him here and there, but it's usually because I'm exasperated with his laziness or grumpiness.

We talk about stuff a lot. I have told him that his grumpiness makes me unhappy. He has said that he will try harder. It's hard to see where he does.

Sorry for the rant I'm just so fed up of waiting for the happy fun sexy man I married to return. Is this what they all
turn into? Is this why people divorce?

I didn't marry him to get fucking divorced. I married him because HE wanted to do it and convinced me that we were meant to be. I am very lucky and adore my children and find it very hard to even consider breaking up their home.

But Jesus Christ I might live another 50 years!

Any advice on how to get him to pull his finger out much appreciated!

Don't have sex with him?

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't pull their weight round the house and in the relationship.

I don't see how that will help.

It's not the stuff round the house so much as the moodiness.
He's ok at doing stuff - it just needs pointing out to him (like many men).
(And I'm a little guilty of just thinking fuck it I'll do things myself so they're done properly)

It's more the being unable to contain his temper that really bugs me. He's just moody and I can't remember a day lately that's gone by without a cross word. It's making me sad. I love him but I can't make it better without him.

He's always on his phone too. Avoidance tactics I guess.
I don't know what to do 😥

And if I'm in a bad mood with him then I don't have sex. He gets that.

I just don't know when he became so fucking middle aged! There's no get up and go there. I feel like the energy for anything we do needs to be generated by me (booking holidays, trips out, looking at schools for the kids etc) - just tired of it all.

He sounds like he could be depressed or at least stressed out. Has he seen a GP? I would recommend that for certain. Perhaps a doctor could shock him into action about whatever it is that's bothering him...?

Yes I have wondered that.
He does have certain issues that hang over from his childhood. I guess they contribute to the anger.

I feel like I'm making him sound so awful. He's really got a lovely side too. He's kind, sociable and a great dad.

I guess our relationship has just become a typical middle aged marriage. Oh I don't know what to do! I just want the fun guy I married back.

How old are the kids?? That to me is the most crucial question. There are always resentments and inequities when looking after kids and they have ruined most of the stuff you used to enjoy, face it!!

It gets easier and in fact better than it was pre-kids once they grow up a bit and you can start to rediscover your relationship again

Have you tried the 'date night' thing? Some time to just focus on each other rather than all the stress of work and kids and life be ever-present?

You've got to try and remember why you enjoyed each other's company before the kids came along - relive it a bit rather than just remember it. Otherwise it's a constant grind for both of you.

(And withholding sex to try and discourage bad behaviour is shitty advice. He's not a pet to be trained like that. That just leads to alienation and affairs)

God this sounds utterly draining. You do most of the work/organising etc but he is the grumpy one? What the hell do YOU get out of this marriage apart from extra work, stress and resentment?? My h was a lot like yours and I called time at Easter, I refuse to be another adults housekeeper, childcare, cook, cleaner whist still bringing in a wage. He is taking the absolute piss

Kids are 5 and almost 8.
We do lots of stuff together.
To be honest I have more fun when I go out with my mates.
We did manage a weekend away last year - but even though that was great, we also had a few rows.
We've had a row about nothing tonight. I think he was just rude to me and I shouted at him & slammed a door (childish I know), then when I came back into the room to talk to him he told me to fuck off. Now he's sleeping in the spare room.
He says he'll talk to me in the morning. We've had some wine this evening and are both really knackered. It sounds like children squabbling when I write it down.
Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. I can't talk to my friends about this. It feels too private.

Are you happier now Ruddy? How old are your kids?

Mmm when do you think it gets easier?

It's not my kids I find hard really. It's mainly him.

I think it's been this way for a while and I've been thinking things will get better. I just don't know how to get us back on track. I'm tired of it all.

Do you think he would be open to stop drinking if you both did it together? Make a one month pledge of NO ALCOHOL. I think you will both notice a significant change in attitude. Alcohol is a depressant and it can really affect everything including attitude, motivation and weight.

Have you tried counselling OP? Maybe an impartial person listening would help matters. I totally understand that you don't want to give up without a fight.

Hi op, dc is 12.

Yep much happier now. I used to do most stuff including diy because constantly asking, reminding etc him got me nowhere, so there is no change there at all. I manage better now if I am honest as there is much less cleaning, washing and no having to compromise to make HIS life easier.

During the summer hols I am taking dc away for a short break and we have other fun things planned that interest us , a stark constrast to having h tagging along who usually didn't want to bother and made it quite clear which nearly always spoilt the experience. (I always gave him the option to stay at home but he would grudgingly come with us and then harp on about the cost of everything- miserable tightwad twat).

Dc go to his place couple of nights a week so I now get time to myself which is a revelation! Cannot believe I compromised and gave up so much of myself just for a very disappointing husband.

Aqua I have been working on the stopping drinking for a while now. I do it myself during the week then try to drink moderately at the weekend. DH tries to join in occasionally and then he carries on drinking. It's like his stress relief. This is a bit of a regular topic of discussion 🙄

He does say he feels better when he doesn't drink, notices the difference - but it never lasts very long. It's frustrating.

MLP I am seriously considering this.
How on earth do you pick a counsellor?
I'm quite private so don't want to discuss this with my friends really.

Ruddy glad you made the right decision for you and are happy that's great

I guess I just feel like we've been through so much together (for 1/2 our lives)

We do still love each other. And we do have fun times. We are going in holiday soon and he will relax then I hope.

It's just the stress of the daily grind feels like it's wearing us both down.a and we have different ways of coping with that.

Yeah I'm not suggesting the kids themselves are the problem but at the moment they are generating a lot of work. I remember all those arguments and annoyances and unfairnesses very well!
Now that our youngest is 16 life just couldn't be easier and all that stuff has gone away - we mostly do what we want and that's very often the same thing so we end up enjoying life together :)
I don't think you're going to get far with trying to get him to stop drinking or even cut down - it's like dieting, you have to want to do it for yourself :(
Can I just say here however I'm envious that even throughout it all you have a good sex life!!
Overall if I were you I'd try to lay off him a bit, let him come around. As you said he's stressed at work...
Good luck xx

Thanks mmm it's really good to know it gets better! I adore my DCs. Both of us do and often feel like their childhood is going too fast! - I'm just not sure we are both great at handling the tiredness.

To me, doing more exercise & drinking less just seems to help my ability to cope - but you're right, like most people DH certainly doesn't like being told to do anything!

We've had a chat about how Zo'm feeling & he's actually been really lovely this weekend. He suggested we do more fun stuff together with the kids instead of taking turns to run them at the weekend and keep on top of all the bloody housework! He has also said he won't drink this week...