Narc? Abuse? Help? I don't know what to do....

[User446688]

I need someone's advice.....

This has been an on and off relationship for a few years unfortunately 2 children are involved. The other night I was exhausted on the settee so I kept closing and opening my eyes I looked up and he was getting up and looked back and just went upstairs and to bed....I messaged him saying have you just gone upstairs without saying anything....his reply .... YES IM IN BED you were fucking sleeping just come to fucking bed....anyway I decided to ignore his polite offer and stayed downstairs until the younger one had woke for a bottle.

In the morning I just didn't want to speak to him he came in and said "you need to change your attitude because I'm going to leave" I was like my attitude? Sorry? Anyway he said I'm always miserable etc he went off to work then received texts saying he's not doing it any longer he wants to wipe the slate clean with someone else so he's not called abusive bully and no good. I said what because you are those things when we get in an argument....

Anyway I messaged him and said what's the point in talking if you have already made your decision....he was supposed to finish at 10 and I was outside having a cig (stress) and he could see my texts sneakily behind me (I didn't even know he had came in) he was like who are those laughs faces to are you taking the piss out of me (it was my brother and a totally irrelevant to him) I said none of your business he slammed my phone down and said tell me now, he said your sons feet are cold is that all you do sit outside on your phone and smoke and pushed my sons feet in my face. He then contunuined to ask me who I was messaging and prodded me hard in the side .... things escalated as I wasn't reacting the way he wanted being abusive etc I said I was going to phone his dad he snatched the phone out of my hand and I literally had to fight him to get it. Anyway he kept coming behind me saying I'm going to drag you out of this house I'm not living with you. (So basically throwing me and 2 children out of a 3 bed house so he can move a mate in....)

Anyway his dad eventually comes and my OH went don't pretend to shake and cry when my dad comes. I tell his dad he tries to make things calm tells him he needs to go back on his meds then suggests we go for a coffee to clear the air...I obviously don't but do it for his dad it doesn't help. Anyway I said I want to do this amicably for the kids (the split) my OH storms out and comes back an hour later with a take out coffee and I say to him listen I just want to be friends and sort this out.

Today he comes in from his break pulls his thing out on the sofa and I go and ignore him pick my son up from summer school come back and he suggests we go upstairs for sex??? Is he living on another planet. I need advice how do I get him out?? 

Also can I just confirm is he a narcissist or am I just being over sensitive?

It doesn't matter whether he is a narc or not. He is abusive and you need to split and stop feeding the drama.

Don't engage emotionally. No shouting or crying. just keep repeating it's over and you need to work out how to amicably split and co-parent.

You need to be the grown up and take control. At the moment it sounds like a soap opera.

@jeaux90 I absolutely get that thank you. Thanks for the advice I need to just stay strong. I just hate that I'm too nice as I see him down and my heart breaks as his family are so nice I keep thinking do I support him through this or is it all a fascade

Wellll, if his family are really nice then they can support him can't they.

@Flopjustwantscoffee true story

I usually hate it when someone posts about their relationship issues/emotional abuse and gets told "won't you think of your children, you will damage them if you don't LTB immediately" not because it isn't true that children are generally better of if parents in that situation split but because it feels like bullying/kicking someone when they are already down. So, please dont think that is what I am doing here. I am sure you are a great mum. BUT, if it helps to stop the guilt try to remember that you're primary responsibility isn't towards him and his ishoos (he has his own parents for that) but you and your children who will, without a doubt, be better of not having to witness him treating their mum like shit on a regular basis. At least that's what helped me make a similarly decision :)

Oh, and actually in this case it isn't just emotional abuse but physical abuse as well (and using your son to poke you is fucking shameful)

@Flopjustwantscoffee I totally understand that and that's what scares me the most. My children are my main priority it's now getting around trying to get him moving out. As it is clearly toxic and Having a baby a few months ago is even worse. I think when your in the situation and it has happened a few times over the course of 4 years it becomes excusable in your own mind it's crazy what I wouldn't have even dared put up before I met him and now it's like normality in an argument. Thank you for your words.

Oh believe me, I know! Its scary how quickly you can adjust to things... I have a son and a big motivating factor (and mine was almost never physical) was realizing he was likely to grow up with our relationship as his normal, and potentially treat his partners the same and I really really don't know what I would do in that situation- try to persuade him to change, cut him of, make excuses for him... I really don't think I could bear that.

This is exactly my feelings. I think you think they must feel genuine towards the situation but really it's all a front. Just had no human normal emotion or empathy it literally feels all phony.

@Flopjustwantscoffee 👆🏼