Unhelpful husband.

[Tiredmummy92]

My husband works for himself.
For the last 9 days he has 'not been able' to go to work. Many different reasons from having to wait for someone else to finish their bit or client being away.
The problem is, im 35 weeks pregnant, 2 kids under 5 (3&4). I have to scream and shout to get him out of bed every morning/afternoon. Ive had trouble with terrible stomach aches/back aches, i have SPD and just recently found out i have had a uti for over a month that the hospital took over a month to send out my results, which resulted in me being very poorly.
As i write this, im in bed, because i have refused to get up and do everything myself anymore in the mornings while he sleeps in until sometimes mid afternoon. When i force him to get up, hes horrible. He calls me and the kids names, stomps around and is just generally moody. The thing is, the majority of the time i do it. Cause it causes arguments i cant be bothered with but lately ive had enough. Im suppose to have a c-section, and im terrified because he doesnt get up and help. He comes to bed at the same time as me, between 8 and 10pm we are in bed. However, he is drinking every night usually. Its usually no more than 3 bottles and most nights he only has one that he mixes with lemonade to make a shandy...
Ive asked him to stop drinking cause that could be causing it. He says he will, but it gets to night time and hes at it again.
He has got up this morning at half 10, because i forced him to, has fed the kids their breakfast, and is already back asleep on the sofa... i dont know what im suppose to do anymore. He is helpful in the evening, but useless most id the day... im sick and tired of being pregnant, havent been able to enjoy it at all, with illnesses and him being how he is now, ive just wanted to not ve pregnant anymore. Im stressed out every morning i have to get him up.
Im questioning having a csection down to his behaviour... im worrying i will struggle to look after my two i already have and the new baby...
It sounds awful and i love my baby, but im starting to wish id never got pregnant... which makes me feel so guilty.
I dont know what to do? I have family, but only my nan and my great aunt, my sister and her family, but she and her husband work full time and have two girls themselves (9&1). My dad has left to go to africa with his wife and she has a job out there for 3 months, and my mother died when i was 9.
Would it be a better idea to just try a natural birth? In the hopes i could do more after?
Do i kick my husband out? Even though my SPD has caused me to collaspe and have to be carried by my husband to bed? (Luckily it was the evening and he was already awake and in a more helpful mood)
Im just in limbo right now...

You poor thing. Firstly does he have any mental health issues that might be stopping him working? If not frankly he's a bloody arsehole. I think you need a straight up open and honest chat with him and tell him more or less what's written above.

If he's a decent guy he'll feel awful and take note and pull his finger out. If not, then I suspect you will either need to live with it and accept it or leave him and start again.

Hugs.

No he hasnt been diagnosed with any mental health problems... not that we'd know cause ive asked him to go and speak to the doctors about his sleeping and drinking. He says he will, never does. Trys to say he doesnt have the time (hes had 9 days straight off to go)
Im worrying when im in the hospital with the new baby that he wont get up with my two now! I hate the thought of them trying to wake him up for breakfast and him ignoring or shouting at them... he thinks they get up too early, which ive said theyre kids! Kids do! Baring in mind they get up at around 8 - 9 oclock, which ive explained is a lay in to most parents and that hes lucky!

One first reaction when l read the first few lines was he is drinking..i wonder has he other drink hidden in the house. Drink makes people so selfish and tired in the mornings.
Do you have family to help? You cannot rely on him for first 2 weeks when you need constant help. And if you cannot ry on him then he is useless to you.
Can you go and stay with your parents?

I have never found anymore drink hidden anywhere, and im pretty OCD tidier when pregnant (i clean EVERYWHERE)... But i wouldn't say i for definite know he doesnt hide more.
I have my nan and great aunt, both in their 80s but still very healthy for their age, i judt feel awful asking them to help as theyre old...
My sister has her own family, works full time...
Only have my dad left, hes remarried but they have just moved to africa for 3 months as my dads wife has a job out there... no one on my partners side. Both his parents are dead and he only has his nan and godfather left. He and his sister dont get on...
Its my first csection so i wasnt sure hpw bad it will be... but if youve said ill be pretty much useless for at least 2 weeks then im thinking to ask if i can try natural birth instead...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would kick him out, he is neither of use nor ornament to any of you and he is drinking every night as well as well as calling his children names. Its totally unacceptable behaviour from him and you should tolerate this no more.

You have two children already with another on the way; you do not need a manchild who drinks daily to look after as well. He seems well versed as well in telling you what you want to hear.

Telling him to stop drinking as you have done is about as effective as weeing in the ocean. HE has to be the one to want to stop drinking, it cannot come from you at all.

If you are supposed to have a C-section there is likely good reason why this has been suggested. I would stick with this plan and talk to your midwife and or hospital staff further. Can you ask also about having a doula?.

There's a brilliant book called " I don't know why he does it?" By Lundy Bancroft. A friend bought it for me when I was teetering on the brink of leaving abusive ex husband. The answer is that he does it because he can. Once i left, he had to get his act together and do the washing, cooking, gardening, car maintenance - everything I had been doing with two DCs under two as well as 2 DCs a bit older. He was the worst father in similar ways to yours: depressed maybe but always in bed or shouting or both. He would come down for meals in his dressing gown or my DD would take them up on a tray. But now I have left, and we share care of the children, he gets up and runs the house, takes them out, shops and cooks. Yours can do It, but he chooses not to . What are you afraid would happen if you leave?

And for practical advice, I also had a c section. Buy food in advance that takes minimal prep: pizza, baked potatoes. Plenty of carbs to keep your strength up, soothing things like cocoa, lots of bread for freezer. Stock up with things your DCs will snack on e.g. yoghurt and fruit. Buy presents and cards and gift wrap for upcoming birthdays, uniform for Sept etc. Then when the baby arrives, camp out in one room downstairs. Have the Moses basket/ cradle there, have changing things, have the things to keep your older DCs busy while you are feeding e.g. sticker books, DVDs, Lego, drinks and snacks. You and your older children can easily keep that room warm and tidy for your recovery period. Put up your cards and enjoy it! He can fuck right off and inhabit the rest of the house with his angry swearing and weird sleeping pattern. You are a mother animal in a cosy cave, biding your time!