Coping with upcoming SIL visit

[marellocherry25]

My partner's sister is visiting next weekend and I'm really dreading it. She is 25 years old and lives at home, pays nominal board, and seems to have a constant stream of new clothes. I've tried hard to get to know her but unfortunately, her responses are usually one-word answers or glares - this is not unusual, she speaks to the rest of the family like this but I've observed her being fairly chatty with friends. The family in general are quite concerned that she's shy and not getting out there and being sociable enough - hence them being happy to bankroll her.

We live in a very small flat with a bedroom, living room / kitchen and bathroom. Guests sleep on an airbed in the living room. She's invited herself to stay for the weekend and is taking my bf to the theatre as a birthday present, I am not invited.

I've been quite ill recently and unable to work so my bf has had to bankroll me. I'm also recovering from surgery to fix said issue and finally I start a new job the day after she leaves. Most of the time we're expected to pay for activities and meals when she visits. This is frustrating but of course, I can't talk at this point when my bf is currently also paying my way.

Friends are all at weddings this weekend but ignoring her or taking myself to the park seems like a hostile act that's more likely to exacerbate the situation.

Is my only option to suck this up? I'm not going to deny I'm jealous of her having an easy time of it when I had to work so hard during my 20's (I'm early 30's now). I am also really aware that I shouldn't be driving a wedge in-between my bf and her but I'm just dreading being trapped in the flat with her.

It's a weekend. It's his sister. How it used to be for you when you were 25 is totally irrelevant. Her new clothes are not your concern.

If you end up with him - she'll be part of family you'll need to get along with. Or - whoever you end up with - might have family members you'll need to get along with. Somehow.

Suck what up? What has she done to you? Only complaint seems to be that she gives one-word responses. You might be surprised at what she's like away from her parents, a lot of people become quite teenagery when at home.
The theatre - well if she's treating him it would be a lot more to buy for you too. Is it on his actual birthday? I might be miffed at that as I'd want to make plans with him.
You just sound resentful tbh. If your dp is fond of his sister you'd be very unwise to let this show.

It's not worth stressing yourself. If your boyfriend wants to treat his sister to meals as a guest in your home, then that's just being hospitable and should not make you feel jealous or bitter.

If she's an introvert, you can't change her personality.

Be pleasant, make general chit chat and don't give her any reason to complain about you.

Thanks everyone. Good to get some perspective on this. You're right, when the mirror is held up it seems resentful.

The main thing that's bothering me is having to spend a weekend in the flat with someone who is hostile to me and refuses to talk. I am not invited to anything that weekend.

Now that I've been embarassed by the initial post I would like to qualify that the clothes is reference to her having more disposable income than us.

I shall put up and shut up :)

Oh one more thing - it's not the first visit, hence prior expectations.

I don't see the problem
She's shy and not chatty, so what?
your gripes are microscopic, be pleased she wants to visit her brother

Nah, I feels your pain...yes, she's DP's sister, but it wouldn't hurt her to be polite and make an effort. She's demonstrated that she has the art of conversation, just not with family, which includes you sadly. Can you try and be pleasant, but make sure you go out a bit to save your sanity as well? Surely you are not expected to just be at home, particularly when they are going out together without you?

Perhaps you could talk to your partner about not being included, rather than just focussing on her not inviting you. If she did it once, and he didn't complain, perhaps she thinks that's what he wants. It's odd, but maybe not as malicious as it seems.

You say she's hostile but you example is she doesn't say much and us shy. That doesn't sound hostile. I've got some shy family members, put the radio or music on if you need to fill the silence.

Be nice, youve no good reason not to be.

I can understand them going to the show, which is a gift for him, but it's not nice that you're excluded from everything else that weekend.

I don't know what else they have planned, but your boyfriend should be telling his sister he'd like you to come out too.

Honestly speaking, how many events have you been excluded from this weekend?

Personally I would relish the break. Let them spend the weekend together whilst you do what you want on your own .

My dp is obviously very happy for me to join whatever they do but I feel extremely unwelcome given the way she arranged the weekend.

Whilst the family feel she is shy, I interpret snorts, glares, non replies and eye rolls as hostile responses to my attempts at conversation. I am shy myself so feel very awkward around people that behave in that manner. I guess that could be making things worse.

As others have highlighted, I resent that we pay for her (e.g. taking her for brunch, lunch, dinner etc.).

I could do my own thing but I wonder if that's going to exacerbate things. I'm conscious that as others have pointed out, it's unwise to be the one that ups the ante if I want to keep hold of DP (who is awesome).

If she is rude to you rather than just shy that's different. Though of course shyness can come across as rudeness. You should definitely be around at other times, lunch etc you are part of his life. Have you tried love-bombing her, engage her ruthlessly in cheerful conversation so she has to crack or look really rude in front of her brother?

Try the mumsnet classic then ("did you mean to be so rude?") the next time she rolls her eyes etc.

I think your best tactic is a "hello", a vague smile, and then just park yourself on your sofa and enjoy a book or whatever and don't bother trying to engage. She doesn't sound very nice, but it sounds like you put quite a lot of effort into trying to draw out someone who clearly isn't interested. It's a bit of a pain that she's going to be in your space for the weekend but I'd just try to relax and be benignly disengaged. Think ships in the night.

Do you have to go out for every meal? Could you eat at home instead?

I say suck it up and be the better person. Make her feel suoer welcome, Go out out and get some things to make a nice dinner one night, get in some prosecco and pick a good movie for you all to watch.

Yes definitely love bombed when first met. She's almost as rude to him as she is me. Ha I'm not a regular on mumsnet. Never seen that before, it made me laugh. :D I shall see if I can find a good moment to use that!

As others have highlighted, I resent that we pay for her (e.g. taking her for brunch, lunch, dinner etc

She doesn't live with you and treating guests who stay with you is quite normal.

You're sounding a bit petty on this point and you aren't married. It's his money, not your money.

If I wanted to treat my sister to every meal while staying with me, that's my business. My husband would not have a problem with it.

If you're both shy people and you're fed up with trying to be friendly, then ignore her and let her talk to her brother.

My SIL, although she's improved over the years, isn't particularly sociable in my opinion and I used to get one word anwsers from her.

Even my family and friends that met her said the same thing. It felt like pulling teeth to converse with her.

My conclusion is that she has very poor social skill and isn't capable of making small talk with adults.

She's actually good at communicating with children, but poor in adult company.

In fact she pissed me off recently when she introduced her brother (my husband) to a friend, while I was standing right next to him.... I've decided to rise above it and get on with my life.

I realise that the major issue in her being single and never having had a romantic relationship in as long as I've known her (over 20 years), is her poor social skills. I won't lose sleep over it and you shouldn't let this bother you either.

The girlfriend or wife can be very influential and it's her loss.

I think this says more about your low self esteem than anything else- you know she can be arsey a bit inconsiderate and doesnt pander to people , so let her be like that. Don't stress if you feel she is ignoring you. She'll be gone soon. Just smile nicely and don't talk about yourself which might give her ammo. She'll probably grow up soon and be quite nice.

On the bright side, them going to the theatre means you don't have to spend time with her!

And if you could arrange to meet a friend for coffee/invent an errand you have to do then that's more alone time for you!