Arguing Styles

[tigercub50]

I am interested to know how other couples argue. DH can be so frustrating! I sometimes wish he would just lose it & yell rather than be so bloody calm & if I'm honest, at times quite condescending. He always has to tell me how things are going to go. If we could just get stuff off our chests then great but he will say things like " I am quite prepared to discuss this like adults but you need to calm down first". If I was already calm, then that is going to make me the opposite! I find it very difficult to walk away. I probably should but then whatever started things off in the first place may not get resolved later. To sum up, our arguments aren't really arguments. Just now I tried to analyse it all & was accused of dragging everything up again, which he finds very wearing. Maybe I overthink & maybe I need to deal with it at the time, rather than post morteming. I definitely need to be more assertive. Our rows used to go on for hours & now they are over pretty quickly, which is real progress, but I still often feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. I actually think I need to be nastier! Just say " Piss off if you're going to be so arsey" or something along those lines instead of trying to defend or justify myself.

Just say " Piss off if you're going to be so arsey" or something along those lines instead of trying to defend or justify myself

An argument does involve defending and/or justifying yourself.

In a grown up way, obviously. But it does boil down to one person being unhappy with the way the other is behaving and a request to either explain, empathise, apologise and reach an agreement. A defensive person could see that as justifying and defending yourself.

I pressed post to soon...

So it is unreasonable to say you shouldn't have to explain yourself, just as he should explain himself if needs be. Your attitude sounds a bit like "you always win, I want to win for a change", which isn't helpful.

Maybe look at what aspect of the way you argue makes you feel defensive. Tell him that you feel defensive (and backed into a corner) so don't feel you can explain yourself. Ask him to consider how he could change the way he argues so that he says the same things but without making you defensive.

What are the arguments about OP?
Are there aspects of your relationship that leave you frustrated , or that you feel he doesn't listen or try to understand your POV?

When you argue with others (sisters, friends, children) do you feel the need to defend to justify yourself?

The last argument was because I thought he was telling DD off & he hadn't intended to (unfortunately it wasn't helped by me leaping to her defence & telling DH in front of her that he shouldn't be doing that). I definitely feel frustrated. DH can tell me what he thinks I need to change but really doesn't like it when I tell him! And I just can't seem to get that over to him so we argue & of course it goes on longer than it should because I am trying so hard to tell him how I feel. I was the same with my parents actually - I can remember going on & on. I do have some sympathy for them now tho as DD doesn't know when to stop & I end up half demented! We are getting outside help as we are all pretty reactive I'd say. DH & I are both extremely sensitive too

You're getting outside help? sounds as if this is an ongoing issue.

Thing is, with arguing, everybody loses if everybody is trying to "win".

Mature arguing can only happen if people are prepared to hear tough things about themselves and trust that the person saying it, loves them enough to want to be there in spite of their faults.

No-one is perfect; and we all have the choice to keep picking on the things that are wrong...or to spend time on the things we get right.

I'm not criticising OP- I come from a similar family, where everyone is very defensive so even a minor argument blows up.
I've had to consciously change my arguing style...and that's all you can do. You can't change another person.

Well I certainly have no interest in being snapped or yelled at so I would be telling you to calm down too if you expected to have any sort of discussion with me.

I was calm ( well I wasn't when I was criticising DH for telling DD off) so it was even more patronising to be told that we couldn't discuss it until I was. DH will accuse me of treating him like a child but he most definitely acts more like a parent in arguments.

We don't argue when we disagree over things, but try to take time out before discussing anything. Problems I think build up when one person in the relationship does not consider the others point of view, it will be amplified if one is an arrogant "I am never wrong" types. Do you feel that your viewpoint or feelings about what is winding you up are not being considered and you are made to feel at the time that they think you are being over the top? You need to be able to sort out things and if by pushing talking to latter and then being unable to talk about them seems a bit off to me. If something is annoying or upsetting them does that get sorted out and it goes one way then its not right, I would feel it being somewhat abusive. Forgive me if Im wrong don't mean to offend.

I think there was definite abuse (or tendencies at least) in the past & DH is genuinely trying to change but old habits die hard. He can still sometimes be quite dismissive & I get a sense of " Here we go again". Having said that, over the last few months he has opened up to me a lot & we are able to discuss things as adults. We are both under a fair amount of stress at the moment & DH is trying to get me to look forward rather than dwell on his unacceptable behaviour in the past. He actually said tonight that he doesn't know why he sometimes acts the way he does but he is trying to change & he's just fed up with me constantly ( as he sees it) listing his failings. His self esteem is cripplingly low & he has said that he feels a failure as a Dad sometimes.

He's not a water torturer, is he?

www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

I have read those definitions before & some of The Water Torturer does match but having said that, you can drive yourself mad googling stuff about your partner & he ticked boxes for allsorts of stuff but so did I. I guess everyone has certain traits but it doesn't mean they are a full - blown abuser. When I look back to January ( what I call our crisis happened then) & to the years before, things are hugely better. I didn't sleep very well last night & was going to get up to write a letter to DH but in the end, I talked to him this morning & said that the crux of it all was that I needed to be able to tell him if something was bothering/upsetting me without him immediately getting impatient or dismissive. I said that I could understand his frustration with rehashing the same old stuff but if it was a new problem, then I had the right in our marriage to express my feelings.
One thing I have found helps is after an argument to just wait for him to come to me rather than pull the whole thing to bits & tell him just how much what he said upset me & then he will apologise sincerely & not get all defensive. Phew it's hard work sometimes!

I shout like the lady from modern family he's passive aggressive or simply says mean things in a calmed way

He ticked boxes for passive aggressive too!

Sorry revolution - are you meaning in your own relationship?

You say your dps were the same. I wonder if instead of hearing your dh you are instead hearing your dps and its triggering that feeling from your childhood. I had that with stuff hanging over me from my dm. I was totally overreacting to my dd ( older) as what she was saying was reminding me of my dm in my childhood. Only discovered that in counselling. Dealt with stuff from childhood and its like my dd is a different person. All down to my reaction.
Anothing tip that helps me is no matter what he says come back to the original statement. So..l dont like you being so sharp with dd she is only little. Him..oh here we go another argument blah blah. You l dont like ..ignore his huffing and puffing and say what you want to get across. But then leave it. He has heard you. He is not going to say thank you darling for that but he has heard.

This sounds a little like me and boyfriend, except I'm the calm one. I also don't mind confrontation and he really disliked it. He can be overreactive to criticism which is really annoying. (Eg 'this dish isn't very clean' 'you're being very critical this evening').

Anyways he told me that he felt completely disempowered in arguments. I don't shout but when I lose my temper I suspect the effect can be a bit like an onslaught. I try to use 'when you/I feel' but I also think these statements can be weaponised. I think I certainly have capacity to do this.

We had a talk and he explained to me that when it gets like that he feels trapped and has nowhere to go. He feels like he's not as fast as me and can feel overwhelmed. I have learnt to give him space, and to be honest sometimes I just let his overreactions be. I don't need to defend myself iyswim?

I also think telling people to calm down is irritating and completely counterproductive. Perhaps it might be helpful - and diffuse things - if he told you how shouting/ the situation is making him feel? Is he trying to buy his brain time or inappropriately trying to police your emotions? Or just say 'argh I need to walk away for a few mins' to give you both time to compose. I also (in calmer moments) have explained that if I'm saying something is not ok, doesn't mean I think he is bad. Sometimes passive aggressive expression and overreaction to criticism is because you've learnt you can't be secure in expressing emotion and still retain approval of your valued people. Fortunately my partner doesn't do passive aggressive because nothing ( apart from defensive excuses) presses my buttons more. You obviously learnt different conflict and comms styles, I have found understanding each other's misunderstandings can help calm things down.

He did say he felt he didn't have a chance to process his emotions or to explain before I " jumped" on him. However, when he was telling me I needed to calm down, I already was! That really struck a chord that I need to be able to say I disagree with something without him taking it as a personal attack on him.

I read that list of abuser types, very interesting.

OP - I think I have been in a similar relationship, where the OH defends everything perfectly, keeps utterly calm, rationalises everything, makes you question your own sanity.

Then I used to lose my cool as well, as I don't want my feelings explained away, I want them to hear what I am saying. I have a point as otherwise I wouldn't be having a discussion/argument. It does my head in when they just defend, defend, defend. Oh, well done, you're good at arguing, you've made me feel stupid for raising the point in the first place. I now feel 1" tall. The relationship is now also that bit worse as you haven't understood why I raised the things in the first place.

Honestly, I hate being shouted at. It's extremely stressful and it more likely I'll get upset and maybe say something I don't mean in the heat of the moment.
I've been in a relationship with someone who used to think I was being patronising that I tried to stay calm instead of arguing with someone in the throes of anger. I ended it for that reason. Now, I'm dating an adult who can control his temper and doesn't take personally if I disagree with him.

I'm trying to remember if I shouted at DH when I was protesting about how he was speaking to DD. I don't think I did but I would admit to getting on his case straight away, which as I said in an earlier post wasn't appropriate in front of DD. I shout in arguments when DH has got me so infuriated! I can see your point Winchester. I should be able to control my temper ( I find that very hard with DD too & it's really not good). But DH is just so, well, I think the word is superior. He can be like a different person when we are at odds. In the past, he has been cruel too & I couldn't get my head round some of the stuff he came out with. An earlier poster said you can only change yourself, not the other person, so I am going to try to hold back but equally not to let things get swept under the carpet.

I think you find he acts superior because he does remain so calm and it annoys you that he isn't being "passionate" during these arguments.

Your partner sounds like my Dad. He wouldn't swear, raise his voice in the arguments with my mum. He would remain calm and put his point across without dramatics. Which pissed my mum off, she loved a good old eastenders styled arguement. In her head because my dad wasn't screaming or swearing or getting emotional it meant he didn't give a shit in her eyes. She admits to loving a good argument apparently it's healthy for a relationship

What I'm saying is people have different arguing styles. You have your screamers, people who remain calm, people who are overly dramatic and people who just walk away. There's no right way of arguing.

My partner and I are somewhat conflict averse when it comes to arguing as we both know we argue differently and it would never be resolved.

Men and women do argue differently. In particular, women want every angle examined and the issue put under an interrogation light and totally resolved. Men, much less so. Also, I think men tend to remember the arguments more in terms of emotion and women in terms of detail. So in this case, OPs DP is arguing against the emotional displays of previous arguments as opposed to the issue at hand. Hence the "jumped on" thing.

So DP and I dont argue. We try hard to see what might be an issue coming down the track and then work to prevent the argument as opposed to resolving the issue through argument. Where there is disagreement, they are dealt with somewhat after the fact as opposed to OPs sometimes approach of jumping in with both feet.