Tips on dealing with difficult parent

[Coffeegrain]

For the majority of the time, I now have minimal contact with my mother. I've found the less contact I have the happier I am!
However, she lives close by and I do rely on her for some childcare being a single parent.
How do I deal with a person like this? Or us the answer to continue to minimise contact?

1. She is very judgemental of people and aggressive
2. She is two faced
3. She is unable to keep things to herself (spoilt a surprise holiday for my ds by telling him) id like to think not out if spite however...
4. She's a hypocrite. She had an affair and left my dad (and my brother and i) yet highly criticises those who do the same
5. She cannot take on board and form of feedback/ criticism
6. She seems unable to agree with ANYTHING and puts a negative spin on things
7. She's bitter
8. She doesn't do 'friendships'
9. She's unable to accept I'm a mother and not a child (in my 40s)

10. She is just exhausting! It feels impossible and whoever way I try to respond it doesn't work.

Am I alone in this? I'm sure I can't be. Family members have also expressed the same however they have physical distance.
Any tips on how I don't let it get to me When I have to come in contact with her? It generally pi@@es me off and I feel low for a few hours after. I also feel like there is a 'pressure hanging over me. TIA

I always tell my daughter that anyone in her life who makes her feel negative needs to be got rid of. Life is to short to put up with this kind of rubbish just cut her out of your life if possible or go very low contact. My mother is similar to yours and has caused me no end of upset and grief ....I hardly see her and only speak to her when she phones te house and most of the time my hubby tells her I am out as he can't stand the way she makes me feel...I never tell her anything nice I am doing as she always makes me feel bad ....she is only happy talking about herself....illness and death....never has anything nice to say about anybody or anything.

What about CBT? I did a course (NHS so no fee) for a different issue but the technique bleeds into other areas of your life. You deconstruct the problem and then get all scientific and rational on your responses to the stress in your life. You can choose, after the initial interview, to do therapy on the phone.

I got very unhappy with my DM and it's taken years to sift through how to cope with her behaviour and my responses plus all the shitty history. I have to say that I moved, which I realise might not be possible for you. But also found myself going low contact with phone calls/invitations to visit etc. naturally. I think I avoided her until I felt tougher.

When we do interact now I find myself being a bit kinder to her (she's not as horrible as yours) because she's got less power to make me miserable. I also play CowBag Bingo in my head. I say something innocuous/light-hearted, she craps all over it, Bingo! Anticipating it helps I think. Good luck.

Lmao @ cowbag bingo

Also, by the sounds of it, she's not remotely able to reflect on herself. She just is, whereas you've got the emotional intelligence to question her and you. You can definitely sort this to 'manageable'.

Hi

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward; it could help you no end.

You would not put up with this from a friend and your mother is no different. Do not tolerate this from her and continue to lower all forms of contact with her. Its not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that to her. It is also NOT your job to manage her now even though you are probably one of the last to actually bother with her (its not worth it). Its not your fault she has no friends (there's good reasons why she has no friends either) and such toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Put mental as well as physical distance now between you and she.

Use childcare other than your mother, do not have this toxic person come into further contact with your child. Goodness alone knows what rubbish she utters in his presence. Also she could well use him to get back at you as her "errant" daughter. She was not a good parent to you and such people more often than not are rubbish grandparent figures to their grandchildren as well. It will also do him no favours to see you as his mum get disrespected always by his nan; it sends out mixed messages.

No you are not alone in this at all, far from it. You may also find the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships webpages helpful too.

CBT has a place most certainly but does not really get to the heart of the problem when it comes to toxic parents. Talking to a therapist about the dysfunctional relationship with your mother may also help you.

She sounds narcissistic , we went no contact with dh narc mum . Everything we did was wrong , glad she isn't in my life anymore!!

Thanks for your replies. Id love to get physical distance. My son is getting more independent now but he loves his school. I wish we had moved when he was younger.
Yes, I think narcissist in fact she also doesn't do conversations and certainly not nice emotions. She dismisses me, doesn't answer, changes conversations, jumps from one thing to another and speaks at not to/With. I hate the influence she has on my son too.
Cowbag bingo.. I did a little test today and said different things and awaited her negative responses almost guessing in my mind what it would be this time. Why the f&@k would anyone bother? My brother lives in a different country. No contact!
I've tried telling her how I feel but she denies denies denies then it is forgotten about. After I told her about a miscarriage she dismissed it.
What on earth is the matter with her. Is it medical?

Another thing I noticed she does.
She mimics other people, their outlooks and also accents? Like she isn't her own person? My niece called her an empty shell of a person.

It might well be medical. But you can only change how you react or move away and go low/no contact. And if she is as foul to your DS as she is to you then perhaps moving is the solution. I can cope (now) with my DM but she's a different beast.

Thanks itwent
I've had counselling before. She has no idea of the affect she has had. I actually find it difficult to function around her, I can't think clearly. Perhaps that's a stress reaction. I go around in circles.. I can't change how i react to her as I really believe I gave tried every possible way! Nothing works. The only thing that just about works is me making it a game and guessing in my mind 'what next'.. but it's draining and I have better things to do. A weight is lifted when she goes in holiday. Weird how she not only has a psychological impact but I also suffer physically in her presence. I wonder if it is the fight or flight response. I wish I understood why she is how she is.

Don't waste any more of your valuable life on her....she won't change and probably get worse.....you are enabling her to make you feel unhappy....take back your control and stop letting her domineering you. You are worth so much better....

Oh yes to the physical effects. The skin around my mouth used to split just before I'd go down to visit with the kids. And for years I couldn't eat at her home without terrible rushes of adrenaline and all that entails. I still have bad moments but it's do-able for me now. And there's a difference in that my mum is good to my kids. For now. I'm anticipating a sea change which would mirror her mum's behaviour. I hope it doesn't happen...

If you've had therapy and her company still exerts this pressure on you then I can't help but think that it may be time to give up on coping with her and move. I do feel for you. She sounds hateful.

My mother was similar. And the best thing was an argument that I took as my get out of jail free card when she said to me "that's it. I disown you". Which was over a decade ago. And obviously a ton of stuff has happened to me since then but not hearing her nagging/belittling/bitching comments since then has pretty much disappeared from my subconscious. And from my conscious it's gone. With hindsight would you wish to still be in her life? How different would you be without her influence? Different/better/you. I pretty much (with that gorgeous hindsight thing) created a situation where she disowned me and it was the best thing that happened. Else I truly dread to think where I'd be now (and I don't even want to write it down).

Put yourself first. Always. You've got kids. They need a functioning mother who's not influenced by someone so vile. I've totally been through it and am out the other end although it's taken years and has been horrendous but I almost forget who I used to be when I was in her clutches. It's so tough. But please put yourself and your mental health first. Always.

Coffee,

What Kennyppppp wrote earlier in its entirety.

You asked whether she has a medical problem. I would state that
Narcissistic personality disorder is in the category of Cluster B personality disorders.

Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way and she will not change for you or anyone else.

Put yourself first and keep your child as well away from her.

I agree.....just cut her out of your life....this will really get to her....she won't understand why and you don't have to explain....let her die the sad miserable negative person she is....let her stew over it....and make a conscious effort to get the best out of your life without her bringing you down....that will be the sweetest revenge ever....

Thanks so much for your insight and sharing experiences. She has previously said things like 'I'm an ok person. ' in more than 'ok'. I think she's a bully. I've confronted her and I know she has told 'her' family stuff. She's flamboyant and dramatic, I'm reserved. My son is 10 and is getting more independent and wants to spend time with friends etc so there is light.
I feel guilt though. I'm trying to just 'manage her.' But then why waste energy? She is selfish and left us without telling us. There is no closure as she won't talk about it.
When I'm on holiday I'm 'free' when I'm at work I'm 'free.' I'm my own person and I'm liked. She hates it, I can see it and it makes me anxious.
I'd love to move, perhaps I do need to start looking at that but my son is really against the idea. That's where I feel stuck.
My brother has done it. She's nice to him. My brother has told me he also can't function around her. I can't wait to 'get out.
I'd really hope in future I meet someone nice. The relationships since my divorce, she criticises having not even met them.

You don't have to move far. Just far enough. I'm not a great example because I'm moving 144 miles away, and I am having anxiety attacks over telling my Mum I'm moving for work but I know I don't have to give her my address, so when I am moved I'll feel safe.