He plans to travel with female friend - how to work on my insecurities?

[AnnaF55]

When I first met my boyfriend (been together for a year) he told me he had had a 'best friend' who was female for 7 years. I could relate to an extent because I also have a close male friend for a decade - however, over the last year, I have put some distance between me and that friend. I have done this because I personally only want to have a level of emotional closeness with my boyfriend.

Anyway he has only mentioned her occasionally until last weekend when we were on a romantic evening in a hotel. We were at the bar when his phone rang late at night (to be fair she lives in another country, different time zone). He shut it off immediately but it interrupted the evening. When I asked about the friendship, he told me he had feelings for her years ago, but not anymore. He said 'I'm with you, you're not in competition with anyone else.'

Now he's travelling to her country for a friend's wedding. I couldn't get the time off work although I was desparate to go/he asked me. So now he is making plans with her to take a trip there when he arrives. I really want to be the 'secure' girlfriend here but it worries me. Especially as she once mentioned how most of their times together had been alcohol fuelled?

Aside from this I feel the relationship is absolutely rock solid. I know how much he loves me and believe he is a good man. But I am not blind to the fact that he really cares about this person and worry about his plans to spend time with her. Help me feel better?!

It all depends on whether you trust him.

One of my best mates is a man. We ski together on our own as his wife has no interest. There is no attraction. We drink together and have fun yes but nothing more than friends.

We had a lovely evening out this week, dinner etc.

So yes, it's all plausible but it all comes down to trust and your own security in the relationship.

Nobody knows what will happen. Neither us or them.

There is nothing you can do except pray she is in love with someone else and is delightfully happy

Worrying does as much good for one's health as chewing gum does for one's hunger.

You barely know this man (sorry but 1 year is nothing! I speak from experience), and you know what, this is a perfect opportunity to test what sort of person he is.

He may sleep with this girl, cuddle up with her, whatever. Let him! Let the maximum temptation be put before him. If he succumbs, or realizes he loves her, whatever, this is a good time for that to happen, nice and early in your relationship before too much time is wasted.

Let go and let God, as they say. Trying to control the situation in any way, including trying to maintain a sense of control via worrying about it (which our brains somehow think will work! it doesn't), just causes you suffering.

Be kind to yourself, when thoughts turn to this, gently redirect yourself to other thoughts. Let him be him. Let you be you. Let the dice roll, and may it all unfold as it should.

Yeah I bet he'd not like it either if you were planning a trip with a guy who you had previously been in love with, you are justified in your feelings.

All you can do is hope he behaves, I also think a year is nothing.

Think I'd be tempted to spend the time he is away with that old friend again.

I know a year is nothing in the bigger scheme of things. But we are both invested and love each other at ths stage, have holidayed with each others family and friends etc.

thestamp - you are so wise! I know stressing myself out helps no one. I sort of do feel like asking if he would be comfortable if the shoe was on the other foot? Or should I just stay quiet and let it play out without a discussion about boundaries?

Ha Adora10, I will probably be meeting up with the old friend soon actually. Just for the day, as he also has a girlfriend, and I don't think any of us would feel a longer 'trip' to be very appropriate.

If it were me op? I'd not say a word about my boundaries. Because, and this is just me, I prefer to be with someone whose boundaries fit with mine without me even having to mention it.

I don't want anyone to change for me. Just as I won't change for anyone (been there, done that, absolute misery).

I'd just let him be him, and if what comes naturally to him doesn't make me feel good, that's my answer and Iove on. No complaining, no explaining. It's not meant to be a constant negotiation and boundary setting and explaining what you are ok with etc... It's meant to just work.

*move on! Not love on :)