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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinion on situ with exH

52 replies

User2410 · 03/08/2017 16:32

So me and exH have been separated for a couple months properly. He's with OW moved in and all that. He has told me he has 2 weeks off holiday and has booked to go on a 'lads' holiday for one week out of the 2 . This was last week. I've just told him that I'm going away in the other week and if he wants to stay in my house to make it easier that's fine. He's come back and said he's not having the kids as he's away for 4 days in the other week he is off. Obviously with OW.
What can I do?! I'm f*ing fuming!!

OP posts:

AdelicaArundel · 03/08/2017 17:09

^^ What Shadow says.

I don't know what the issues were that led to your separation but I suspect that this is an extension of behaviour from before he left.

He is effectively using childcare to control you- it sounds like you are not the type of person to let your children down.

Stop playing his game, get a contact schedule. That way, you and children know when and what to expect.

C0untDucku1a · 03/08/2017 17:11

Yes solicitor needed and proper contact order. Thats the only way.

Also, are you both going on holiday and neither of you taking the children?

Original poster

User2410 · 03/08/2017 17:13

He's a controlling bully who cheated and left. I threatened court he's threatened to pay me less. He pays me 50 a month more than he would be made to pay. He can shove his 50 quid. I'm so sick of it. He's called me a tit for tat c* .
I always get that when I try and stick up for myself!!

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 03/08/2017 17:13

Then he is already a nob so solicitors and email ks probably the best way forward.

Original poster

User2410 · 03/08/2017 17:14

I haven't even booked anywhere yet I was just gnna see if I could go away for a few days. I've never left the kids for more than one nifht and he'd probably take his mood out on them so I'm hesitant but I also believe I deserve a Break. I work nights and don't get the luxury of sleeping all day like him.

OP posts:

Shadow666 · 03/08/2017 17:15

He sounds horrible He's basically using the 50 pounds to control you.

SpartacusSaiman · 03/08/2017 17:16

He is a dick. You need a solicitor and you need to sort visitation.

Its shit. Totally shit. But you cant rely on him for anything.

Original poster

User2410 · 03/08/2017 17:19

I mean 50 quid goes along way when you've been dumped on your own. But he thinks hes a hero for it always moaning how skint I make him.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 03/08/2017 17:22

Right so you need to go to a solicitor about formalising everything and get the CMS to sort out payments if he is bullying you over it.

I'm sorry you are perhaps having to give up some time on your own.

Maybe get into the contact agreement he covers oct half term so you can get away then or see if you have a long weekend in the meantime

ems137 · 03/08/2017 17:25

When I split with exH 8 years ago I very quickly learnt that he couldn't be relied upon to work with me in providing childcare around our working hours and our very young children's nursery days. I ended up quitting my good job and taking a part time night job stacking shelves. I stopped asking him to have the kids and offered him set days with set times. If they didn't work for him then tough shit, I had already made alternative child care arrangements. I have never ever asked him to have the kids since then, he will always be my last resort now!

NC4now · 03/08/2017 17:28

Nothing goes without saying when making childcare arrangements with an ex. I've been doing it for 10 years, and have been both NC except text re childcare, and friendly on good terms.
In neither situ can I second guess his plans. I send him a list of term dates at the start of the year and we divide it accordingly.
Then we book our couple or family holidays.
What he does the rest of the time is up to him.

Also, if he's like you describe, don't offer him your house while you're away.

Afterthestorm · 03/08/2017 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shadow666 · 03/08/2017 18:12

A contact order isn't to force contact. It's called a child arrangement order. It will determine when and where the non-resident parent can spend time with the children.

SmartyPants0 · 03/08/2017 18:18

My ex never took my children away... ever.
He would email me and tell me he was out of the country on holiday. We went to court and was granted holidays with the children but never took them. I couldn't make him.

hatsoncats · 03/08/2017 18:21

CMS for child support as he has threatened to stop paying.
Court to formalise child access as he is constantly letting the children down & causing distress.
Children need stability and his casual dismissal of informal arrangements have caused them distress and uncertainty.
Their needs supersede all, including his.

Schvitzing · 03/08/2017 19:25

If he's a police officer surely he earns enough to be made to pay you more than 50 quid? What did CMS say?

Afterthestorm · 03/08/2017 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shadow666 · 04/08/2017 01:03

He doesn't just pay 50 quid. He pays what cms would say he should pay plus an extra 50 quid. He hasn't threatened to stop paying maintenance, he threatened to stop paying the extra 50 quid. So, if the OP goes to cms, she will be financial worse off but I think she will be in a stronger position as he uses the extra 50 quid to manipulate her.

mylittlepony6 · 04/08/2017 07:07

I bet you are glad you are not with him anymore OP. OW is welcome to him. Also forget about the £50. Go through the CSA so you are not beholding to him.

Penfold007 · 04/08/2017 08:26

OP you need good legal advice. Your STBXH almost certainly has a police pension he is paying into and this needs to be taken into consideration in any financial settlement. There are solicitors who have specialist knowledge of police regulations and pensions, use one of them. You might like to consider divorcing him for adultery and naming OW.

Original poster

User2410 · 04/08/2017 10:42

Thankyou for all your advise. He kind of ended things just bwfore he went off to police training so he's only just started properly and is on probation so he says his shifts aren't certain and because I take 1/3 (which is a complete exaggeration) of his wage he says he has to work overtime. Even though he lives with OW and doesn't pay towards bills as he's technically living at his mum's.
For instance this weekend he is working over time and has said he would have them for a few hours tomorrow and Sunday. I asked if he would have them for a few hours yhismorning so I could run some errands which he agrees to when I asked but yhismorning he has caused a shit storm saying he's going out of his way to come and have them when i dont even have work. DD is 6 and didn't want to go with him before he came. He's turned up begrudgingly And we've ended up having an argument in front of them. I kept my tone nice and didn't say anything nasty and i said why are u being like this? And he said because I don't like you. Which has made her cry. I feel awful now because he obviously didn't want to have them thismornin. Dd doesn't even want to be with him. Should I encourage her to still go?
In a precious argument he said ' I never asked to have these kids' infront of her. Which he later retracted . I don't know my head from my arse atm.

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 11:02

He's an unmitigated cunt. Who the fuck says things like that? Especially in front of their 6 yo child? How is she now OP? Tbh I wouldn't make her go if it's going to cause her distress. What does your gut tell you?

Original poster

User2410 · 04/08/2017 12:00

My guts a mess he's been sendkng such nasty voscious messages and ive started crying Morrison's check out which is embarrassing. I don't know I don't want them near him i dont even think he's very nice to DD. Amazing to DS who's 2 and alot easier. But I don't want him having one and not the other because it'll just encourage the favouritism.

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 12:05

Oh love, I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this. If you think that your DD wouldn't be happy there I'd keep her home for her sake, and your DS too.

Original poster

User2410 · 04/08/2017 13:06

She was okay when I picked her up apart from him shouting at me when i asked for a specific time hed be picking them up tomorrow and Sunday.

OP posts:

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