Widowed Dad's new life

[kemptownlady]

Hi I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my mum died in September, and my dad seems to have started a new relationship with his cousin (they are in their late 70s). They came for lunch a few weeks ago as a means of him introducing her to my family (me, dh and two kids) and they seemed very intimate. He wants to meet me for dinner tonight because he has "some important things" he wants to discuss. I'm thinking this may be to do with his new "friendship". I'm all for him having companionship, and I want him to be happy, but I'm just flummoxed by the whole thing and slightly repulsed if I'm honest. Like I said, he's welcome to have the friendship but I don't feel ready to have this new "friend" in my life or my kids lives. I'm worried he's going to ask me for some sort of approval. What the hell will I say??? My dad and I aren't close, I think he's selfish and manipulative. He seemed to sit back and let my mum pass away whilst also preventing me from trying to care for her. I bitterly regret that, and now I'm stuck with this awful situation. I'm scared to tell him what I really feel, as it's hurtful and not helpful. I've spoken to my brother about it and he says we should let it take its course but as he rarely sees my dad and lives hundreds of miles away, that's easy for him to say. I live close to my dad and see him at least once a week. I'm at a real loss. help please?

People who are close to him will typically be in your life in exactly the same way as when your kids are forming relationships their partners will be in your life too.

It does seem that you would like him to be happy on your terms rather than his, but these are his life choices and you really need to try and not be "slightly repulsed" by them.

I've been on the other side of the coin and watched my late father greive for 2 decades living a lonely life, it would have been weird but I would rather have gotten over those feelings and seen him happier.

I think your brother is right you need to let it take its course, if asked be honest and say you feel awkward about it but that its his life and he must live it as he wants to.

You may not be ready but he is. As hard as it is for you whilst you are still grieving you need to let him crack on with it. You don't get to dictate other people's relationships

Would you prefer if he spent years grieving....my mum is still grieving fir my dad after 7 years..it's a bloody nightmare....causes lots of family upset and distress...I would have loved for my mum to have found someone ASAP and have companionship would have been so much easier. Perhaps you feel that it's to soon after your mum passed away...fair enough...but everyone is different and one size does not fit all...

I'm really sorry about your mum. You've got the measure of your dad I don't doubt but I'd suggest not saying anything negative to him about his choices if he has indeed decided to have a relationship with his cousin. If he's as manipulative as you think then you'll have to stay neutral regardless of how horrible it makes you feel. The situation you're in sounds horrible but your brother's probably right.

Is there any chance he might be thinking of marriage?

Bitter experience talking here - there is nothing you can, or should, do about this situation. They are both old and lonely, and better to have companionship than live a life of grieving. BUT be very aware of the financial side of things. It sounds harsh, but you must be prepared for him to maybe act irrationally over money, changes of will etc. Accept the relationship graciously, but don't let him cut you or your children out of any inheritance. I'm aware this sounds horribly mercenary, but it happens so often, and is very painful.

I wouldn't accept it either. Sounds creapy. Not sure though what to suggest.

Cousins, and over 70? I don't see the problem, truly. No chance of children, and both have more reasons to care permanently about one another and not hurt each other than a couple with no consanguinity.

I agree that it's a little creepy to contemplate I'm thinking now about what if my own husband was a widower and got together with one of his cousins, and I just couldn't imagine! but unless the cousin is abusive or cruel in some way, it might be a good way for them to get companionship they feel they can trust and not spread any inheritance money around very far.

I'm sorry op, but even if you had a wonderful relationship with your father, his personal life is none of your business. He is entitled to date or marry anyone he wants to. Spouting any disapproval will get you nowhere.

So, thank you for all your combined wisdom, we had a good evening out together. He's clearly happy, which is a good thing. I took on board all your comments. I realise I can't stop him from doing what he wants to do. He asked me what I thought about her, so I just said she seemed very sweet, she was clearly trying hard to make a good impression. I said I don't want him to be miserable and lonely, and if he's happy spending time with her then that's good, he deserves to be happy. I said that everyone grieves in their own way and I've still got my own grieving to do. So I've been honest, but hopefully not hurtful and hopefully we can all rub along together. I guess I have to get over myself on this one. Shame there isn't a guidebook for this eh.

Well done kemptownlady. It sounds like you managed to express your feelings whilst still being kind. It took substantially longer (and a fair few counselling sessions) for me to come to terms with my dad's death and accept my mother's new partner.

Sorry for your loss. Some people cannot be alone when a partner dies. I think he has been lucky to find someone that he can spend time with. The alternative which is loneliness, grief and unhappiness is very difficult