Crush on a colleague - mutual?

[TheWhompingWillow]

I don't really know what to do with myself as I have a huge consuming crush on a colleague at work and I think he feels the same, but I'm not available (although he is). I'm not married but I am in a committed relationship with a young child, and we own a home together.

I have always thought he was a physically attractive man; not my usual type but something about him really got me hot under the collar. He was asked to train me when I returned to work from maternity leave. I thought he was very professional, very smart (and I like a smart man), and hardworking; these are all qualities I like in a person, so I looked up to him.

As time went on, we became friends. We only see each other a couple of times a week, but we have really good banter and a good laugh. There's a few others in our team that we get on with and we all have a good laugh.

I just remember one time we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks due to us both having holiday, and when we saw each other again, there was this instant smile that spread across each others face and a lingering stare. That, coupled with me noticing that I started to favour sitting with him and talking to him. That's what made me realise that it was becoming a bit of a crush under my nose.

Recently we've not been able to sit in our usual group of work friends for several reasons. But we both make the effort to sit next to each other, he even said one time if he couldn't get a seat with me at the beginning of his shift he'd move in his lunch break to sit with me.

We always bring each other tea and coffee without asking; it's just become a thing.

I had a week off recently and he said, in front of others, that he was so happy to see me back and that he had missed me when I wasn't there. I could see one of my female colleagues smile and wink as she has been telling me for a while she's convinced he has a crush on me. But he then went on to say I'm his friend and that's why he missed me.

Out of the blue, on my return to work, he came over to me and asked me if I was going to an event. I had been thinking of going on my own anyway as it was an event I've always been keen to go to. When I said yes, he said he is also going and asked if I'd like to meet up. And it may be my imagination but I thought I saw a little smile on his face when I later said I would give him my number so if there was any problems meeting up on Saturday we could get in touch with each other easily.

This is heading in dangerous territory isn't it. I do intend to keep it as friends even though I am convinced that he harbours secret feelings (whatveer those feelings may be) for me. He has mentioned before that he stopped dating another girl when he found out she was being insincere and he was the other man, and we spoke about how that morally does not sit right with us; and he knows I'm taken and have a child so I really don't think he wants to act on it. So it's either that he wants to hang out as friends as he genuinely sees a good friendship between us that he would like to take beyond work (and I feel that would be a good thing) OR although he knows nothing can ever happen, he just wants to spend more time with me because he has a little crush on me.

I can totally imagine being where you are, in my first marriage which was unhappy and eventually ended. I just wish I'd done the right thing earlier. You haven't mentioned the state of your relationship but you 100% need to accept there's something wrong and decide if you want to try and fix it or if you want to give up on it. Forget colleague. If in the future you are available then start the 'office look how cute I am' dance all over again

I don't know what you mean by mentionitis?

I know it reads like a schoolgirl crush, probably because it feels like one. I am not really sure what I am asking tbh.. just needed to tell someone as I can't tell anyone in real life. I guess I just want to know if mumsnet thinks it is a bad idea for us to be friends outside of work.

As for the state of my relationship. My partner is lovelh and before our son was born I used to get excited every day about being with him, genuinely excited about finishing work to see him even 3 years into the relationship. We used to have lazy weekends in bed cuddling, having sex and chatting for hours. But now we hardly see each other, I feel having a child hasn't completely changed the dynamic of our relationship. It should have been obvious that it would but I didn't realise it would cause me to feel that my gorgeous, lovely partner would start to feel more like a platonic friendship

Sorry I mean *has completely changed

How old is your son? Would it be possible to get a babysitter one night a week or hand him over to grandparents for the odd day? It sounds like you're just a bit overwhelmed by motherhood and the change it's made in your relationship, and you're looking at a way to get back the old excitement. Maybe if you and your partner could spend a bit of time together the way you used to, you'd feel less keen on the guy at work. At the moment he's a fantasy. He doesn't come with any of the boring household stuff and child-bearing crap. If you lived with him it would be a whole different matter.
I think you should remember what you liked about your partner before you had the baby, and try to recapture that. Distance yourself from the new man for the moment.

if this guy is Truly a friend and there are feelings developing between the two of you then as a friend he would tell you to discuss this sincerely with DP before anything happens and secondly as a gentleman (if he is one) he should not be taking advantage of someone who is possibly vulnerable at the moment. If he isn't doing the above then I would view him as being underhanded. I would also say that your DP needs to know so that he can decide what he wants for himself and it may not be you. In which case mature conversations can be had to separate.

Often when people are on this road, they check out of their relationship.

They justify the impending affair using the relationship dynamic. As in 'we are more like friends' and 'things havent been right for a long time' and 'we have grown apart'.

When in reality those thingshaooen because of the affair, or during the pursing of an affair.

You had a child. Therefore lazy days of chatting and sex are gone for a while. What did you expect would happen.

Its not an excuse for this angst which is dragging you away from improving your relationship.

The title of your thread would also indicate you are looking for opinions on whether he fancies you as much as you fancy him; reminds me of being in high school.

Your subsequent posts declaring innocence is a joke.

What is it with these grown people and their daft crushes

If he tries to kiss you or whatever then what are you going to do? And don't say he won't ever do that.

Re. mentionitis:
Google is your friend.

Maybe you make no sense Nina.. I haven't mentioned anyone

Whaaat? You are gushing over this person. You can be suffering from mentionitis in a less direct way.

Relationships change...did you expect things to stay the same with your partner forever?

If you're not happy, end the relationship. If you are happy, distance yourself from your colleague immediately. You sound like you're trying to justify an imminent affair.

Banter really is lame.
On every level. Have real conversations or joke with people, definitely but 'banter'

I am not really sure what I am asking tbh.. just needed to tell someone as I can't tell anyone in real life.

That's mentionitis.

Your OP is horrible to read. The way you are behaving sounds cringeworthy and embarrassing. You are already well on your way to betraying your partner. Show some respect and either end your relationship before you start dating your colleague (if indeed he does even like you in that way), or recognise the danger he poses to your relationship and step well away. As if it could possibly be a good idea to start going to events together now outside of work. It's time to grow up and think properly about what you are doing.

The "Oh I ended it with someone because Im sooo genuine and I couldn't bear to be the other man and ruin a relationship' sounds like nonsense. It's something you say to lull someone into a sense of security so they will carry on being 'friends' until you miraculously 'fall hopelessly in love'. You have a child. Relationships change. A get out with a new man won't help.

Let's face it you want to know if we think it's OK for you to have an affair with this guy out of work. You're already having an emotional affair. May as well step it up if you want to be like that. I just feel sorry for your husband, he does not deserve how you are treating him.

So go ahead, sleep with the guy, you're dying to anyway. You just want permission. There is it, be a whore.

Or you could take the not so desperate for attention route and actually work on your marriage. But you love the attention you get from the new guy, so you won't.

Have a little look at threads on here from both sexes who think their partner's are having an emotional affair.........and then see how you feel. Not judging OP, just trying to be helpful