Things I learnt from my affair

[PlsTryAnother]

Only technically an affair in my case as DH and I are currently separated but living as friends. However, he didnt/doesnt know about it. I just need to write a list for my own sanity! NC in case i out myself

1. Just beacuse someone shows you interest after over 10 years without it, doesnt mean you love them
2. It doesnt matter how amazing you thought he was 20 years ago, he will have changed, as will you. The relationship won't necessarily work
3. If he really had been in love with you for 20 years, he would be happy to wait a while for you to deal with your very recently ended marriage before making a move.
4. If he really loved you as he said, he would have been able to deal with your moments of panic and reassured you, instead of making it all about him.
5. It doesn't matter how good the sex is, its not enough to put up with being treated badly.
6. Sometimes your husband really is your best friend, even when the love has gone.....
7. Maybe he thinks he's loved you for sooo long, but is just in love with an idea of you.......thats ok, its doesnt make you not good enough.

Will probs think of loads more later - this is really cathartic. Feel free to add your own.

In other words The grass is nt always greener

I suppose so. But I am hurting and need to find positives from such a massive fuck up.

OP - it sounds complicated and sad.
Both for you and that man.
Clearly, you both have a history. And a lot of baggage you BOTH have brought to this.

FWIW - yes, it is possible for him to love you and be clueless as to what suport you need to get through your issues/divorce, etc.
It is also possible for you to be so starved of love and attention in an unhappy marriage that you become sensitive and needy, and not trusting.

Not saying he is or you are. Just saying that life is complicated.

Good luck!!!!

However, wanted to add.

Sometimes, however, Exes are that for a reason. Sometimes it was never meant to be.
(Speaking from a little bit of an experience)

I think every set of circumstances are different. Some people will do it & not regret a thing.

Good luck with what happens for you OP

Ty for replies.

Josuk, that made me cry. Thats exactly it.

Its not working......trying to find positives but it actually really hurts. I feel like a complete twat, tbh.

Careful with the "if you really loved me, you'd do X/Y" - that can lead down manipulative paths.

OP - sorry....
It's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong.

Definitely, not a twat!!!!!!

You mentioned your situation with Ex. But what is really going on with your life - living with a H, but separated? That must not be easy either.

Josuk - No, nothings easy atm. I'm scared to go into details as its a very outing story if you know me.

Hont - I know that, and its not really what i meant but I see what you mean. Thanks

No details necessary. Just don't beat yourself up. You'll get trough this, whatever it is.
Find support around you, if there is any.
Find distractions - work, hobbies, etc.
Go to GP - ask for counselling, is that is something you might want to consider.
Time helps.

Maybe you love him, maybe you don't. Same for him.
Think about the first love - we all did have it when we were teenagers, didn't we. And how 'end of the world' all of those emotions seemed. And yet - we lived through it and it didn't break us.
Same here.
You just need time and patience. And eventually life will sort itself out.

Thank you so much.

To he honest, a lot of men are bullshitters and will do anything to get you into bed. For some it is only number 5 that is important.

I wish I could believe that MTB but i really dont. It would really stop it hurting so much if i could hate him. This is someone who I have known for 20 years. I really can't believe he would have risked out friendship for a shag. I think Josek is right - we both have a lot of baggage now, we're not the people we once were. Still hurts though, but its a bit clearer.

3. If he really had been in love with you for 20 years, he would be happy to wait a while for you to deal with your very recently ended marriage before making a move.
4. If he really loved you as he said, he would have been able to deal with your moments of panic and reassured you, instead of making it all about him.

Yes but was about the person on the other side who could be posting saying "if she really loved me after 20 years, she'd be sure now and not need time to sort herself out" or "if she really loved me, she wouldn't have needed reassuring about our relationship or panicing about it"?

Doesn't it just boil down to "if both people are interested, they are both interested"? Or if it's meant to be it's meant to be?

I think sometimes timing is the real killer
Sometimes we just aren't in the same place emotionally to be with someone or we want something different.
Even if we love them, they love us.

Wow Pitt, real food for thought there...........that's really true. Hadn't thought of it that way at all.

And Gin - i think thats it really, timing is off. Has been for 20 years, really. Maybe it was never meant to be.

Be kinder to yourself, this is not a massive fuck up. No-one expects you to deal with a marriage breakdown and then step seamlessly forward without a few baby steps and stumbles. Don't expect it from yourself. There will be rebounds, tears, doubts... this is just the first steps into the next chapter of your life and you don't know if this man is part of that or not.

Perhaps you need to step back from this relationship and get to know yourself again as a person in your own right before you share your life with another?

But most of all forgive yourself, you're doing fine

Wondering if really I just want my husband back.........

You are all so lovely. I really expected this thread to turn out different.

You haven't said much about your husband so we can't comment
Only you know how you really feel.
But be careful of feeling clouded.

I left and went back to my ex after only 3 months, stayed another year. Horrific mistake in hindsight

But we all have to learn from ours mistakes

I meant three months of separation after 10 years!! Sorry it doesn't sound clear

I think the issues with my husband are maybe for another thread. This really isnt about him.

And I am worried about feeling clouded. For a bit more clarity, I ended up have an intense relationship with a very very old friend who i had only just got back in touch with, very soon after i realised my marriage was over. My head is spinning. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I really dont think we'll get our friendship back after this, which i think is probably the biggest issue for me. Its also made me realise that he's not the person he was before (neither am i tbh). I just miss what we used to have IYSWIM? Sorry if thats rambling.....trying to get my thoughts straight.