I don't know my husband anymore

[Courgetti2203]

I've been with my husband for 23 years and we have two children together. Just recently I feel that I no longer know him. We've always been so close but his recent behaviour is out of character. I happened to be using his phone ( he uses mine too) to surf the web and found that he'd been looking at pictures of women on Instagram. I know this is probably not a massive deal to some but to me it's a massive issue. I don't have self esteem issues but it's left me wondering why he would do that especially as he's always been so sweet, loving and attentive. The other issue is something related to his business where he's gone ahead with something that we'd discussed and I'd expressed that I wasn't happy and he said he wouldn't go ahead. Again I happened to be using his phone to look at recent pictures of our kids that we'd taken and came across the fact he'd gone ahead. I feel as though I don't know him. He's not the man I thought he was and just seems to persuing his own agenda. We've always had a good relationship but it's left me wondering what else he is up to. I've spoken with him but he says he doesn't know why he did either of these and that he loves us but feels empty inside.

OP - it's hard to tell much from this short post. But - it does sound a little (a lot) OTT. And a little controlling on your side.

So - he looked at some pictures. Given its Instagram - it's probably not more than you'll see walking around town, in a bar, on a beach.
We are all surrounded by attractive people of the opposite sex, and it's unrealistic to assume that we are blind to that. But we chose to be with whoever we are with, and not to act on every impulse.
I presume you don't walk around with a blindfold and cross the street when you see an attractive man?

I don't know what it is that you've discussed and he still did. But possibly - he actually just wanted to do whatever it was - and didn't feel courage to mention it.
Given how tightly you seem to need to control his behaviour - what he looks at, that he does things you approve of (even when it is about HIS own business) - I can understand his reluctance to speak up.

You know someone very well after 23 years, if you sense that somethings changed then it has. What do you fear OP?

Thanks for your replies.
Josuk - I think you're right with the 'controlling' side. I like everything organised and running smoothly but not to the extent of him actively seeking out women on Instagram which I think is different from walking down the street and seeing a handsome man. It makes me wonder if he's unhappy with some part of our relationship. Re the business, it belongs to both of us and isn't just his which I why I suppose I'm a bit annoyed that he went ahead without any further conversation especially as we'd previously spoken about it over a year ago.

Tallfox - I just sense that he isn't happy. We've always been so open with each other and I suppose I just don't trust him. During the time he was online I kept asking if he was okay and sought some reassurance from him that we were okay as a couple. I suppose I'm upset as during those weeks of me asking him, he had the need to seek out and look at women online. I am confident in how I look which is just normal and in no way compare myself to these women. I just feel a bit disappointed that he felt the need to do this when there really is no reason too as I'm generally easy going.

I think in my heart I know we've grown apart. He's my best friend but I know we want different things in our lives. That's the bit that makes me feel sad. A couple of years ago we each lost one parent within 8 months of each other and I think since then things have changed. I dealt with my grief head on whilst he's bottled his up. Thanks for reading.

He may be a little depressed, or feeling off. Or, approaching a midlife crisis. (Don't know what your ages are). But this is just part of life, no? No one walks through it totally happy all the time.
And sometimes people do things that you'd not agree with. Also, probably not the first, or a last time.

Look - he hasn't done anything that had any trust implications. Or anything to show that you are not OK as a couple.
Maybe a picture popped up somewhere and he clicked on it. Maybe a friend shared something.
Who knows. You've been together a long time.
Looking at some images - it's harmless. Just gives a little jolt. People do that.
Controlling that is pointless from my point of view. Where does it end - can you be really sure what he thinks about when he masturbates, for example? It's unlikely that people only do that ONLY imagining their partners for years and years.

If I were you, rather than making an issue of this all - I'd try to find/do things that make you happy as a couple. Focus on that.

The other issue is something related to his business

Re the business, it belongs to both of us and isn't just his

Do you both own it but your DH runs it day to day?

Josuk - I think you're right in most of what you write. Sometimes we listen to others more than ourselves. Many thanks for your wise words.

5subjectnotebook - he's there's full time and I'm part time. I think that he probably sees the bigger picture moreso than I do.

Many thanks all of you. I feel a right wally now!

OP - you are not a wally!!!!
We all go through that. Life and relationships take effort and change as we go along.
You both lost parents. Kids (if you have them) are growing up.
We change as we age, our bodies do. And getting used to it and accepting it - sometimes makes people feel low.

I hope you both find other things that will bring back down umph and happiness

I think you have to accept this after that many years or go your own way, we too have a business together but I work FT in it, so I know what's it's like . If it's just looking and he's not texting or commenting or liking etc , then it's no different I guess to when a lot of men had porn Magee, (and probably a lot milder). I understand your distaste but maybe try a bit of the same and leave it lying around, see how he feels about that !!

Thanks Josuk. I think in the midst of bereavements, kids and general life we lost sight of us and the need to keep working on us. I feel like there's a little ray of sunshine after reading the posts on here. I also realise that I've been more consumed with my thoughts and feelings without paying consideration to his. Many thanks

Thanks yetmorecrap - you're right about the images. Thanks for your input