Forgive me, I'm quite confused. I'm due to start seeing an iapt therapist tomorrow and I'm trying to get my head straight. I'll try not to make this too long.
I've been with dp for just over eight years now, we have two dc, 4 and 1.
Gradually over those years I've fallen in to a deep depression. I thought it was the miscarriages. I've stopped going out, I have no friends. No life apart from at home really. I have hfa and dp is my carer.
Recently the anxiety and depression have gotten really bad, which is why I will now be seeing an Iapt therapist after having an assessment there.
But about a week and a half ago I split up with my partner for four days.
The depression and anxiety was gone, like magic, just gone. My family started coming around and my mum told me she thought he was emotionally abusive and gave me a book to read (why does he do that - angry and controlling men)
She said she was too weak to leave my dad (an angry bully - though he has mellowed out a bit in his old age) and was so happy for me.
Dp kept calling up and crying. Dad kept asking when he was coming back and I caved.
Now that sick right feeling in my stomach is back again. I'd gotten used to it but now I hate it.
Here's the thing though. Dp doesn't shout or scream anymore. He is very calm and loving and loves the children. He does his share of the domestic work and does lots of little nice things for me.
But I know (after finally finishing that book this week) that some things he has done in the past and still does aren't right.
It started when I was first pregnant with dd about four/not quite five years ago.
It was Christmas and we were at his sisters house. I was heavily pregnant. Dp had had a lot to drink and seemed to get very quiet later on in the evening. I could tell something was wrong.
When were driving home he started screaming, saying that I was a dirty slut and I had been giving his sisters boyfriend a blowjob in their bathroom. He was pushing at me and I was driving. It terrified me (my previous relationship had been physically abusive - dp was the 'prince charming' who had helped me through it as we were friends at the time)
Shortly after Dd was born he started getting very drunk most nights. I'd had a csection and couldn't yet carry her upstairs comfortably (steep stairs) I had to though as he would get angry if I asked him to help and swear at me plus I wouldn't want him carrying her when he was in that state
He ranted at me in front of her when she was about one and a half, and she started crying. He had been drinking again and had found some of his own empty cans where he had stuffed them down the side of the bed. He said they weren't his and I had had half the neighbourhood in there (we are never apart, I don't think he even believed what he was shouting about)
But things have been a lot better the last two years. He wasn't drinking and the obvious shouting stopped.
Some things are still making me feel like there is a dark cloud above my head all the time though. But most days I can't tell if it's all in my head or not. These are what I can't decide is abusive or just normal.
He is jealous. He says any man that wants to talk to me probably wants to sleep with me. If anyone tries to add me on social media or talks to me he hits the roof and starts 'interrogating' me.
Interrogate sounds like such a stong word...but it's how I feel when he's done questioning me. I get it after most phone calls, doctors appointments etc.
I can never seem to leave the house without him. Sometimes it seems easier to just nip out on my own to say walk the dog or go to the shop. But he makes me feel like I'm trying to abandon him and the children if I ever try to do that.
He says he'd have no life or reason to live if we split. That makes me nervous for some reason.
I've tried to talk with him about this. I thought I'd be able to as he's always very reasonable now. But I tried earlier and it's just left me more confused than ever.
Every single thought or feeling I have it turns out he's been having about me. He says I'm the abusive one. He's fast asleep and I'm still up racking my brains trying to figure out if I am or not.
I have been more angry lately. He was very sarcastic to our four year old daughter (she has autism) when she tripped up earlier and I saw red. I asked him to join me in the garden then had a go at him and shouted saying he shouldn't talk like that to her.
He apologised and said he was wrong and now I feel like maybe I am a nutcase 
I understand on paper maybe it looks obvious but you are only getting my side of the story. I know he'd say different and I can't figure out if it me or not.
I love him, he is so lovely sometimes. It breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty that I felt so free when he was gone.
I don't know what to do.