That's another fine mess

[maryberriesfingernails]

NC as I've posted before about H and issues.
So I've totally exceeded myself. Crap 20 year marriage to barely functioning alcoholic H.
It's been awful. At worst point he was downing vodka for breakfast and lying through his teeth about it. Now a few years on he's still lying about the drink. I've done everything from going to groups to taking him to the docs to controlling every scrap of money so he can't drink but he still does and now I don't care.

Problem is, no one else sees it. No one else listens to his drunken crap, his drunken concern about stupid things, his outbursts.
He is a saint in people's eyes. A funny, hardworking saint.

So now I've gone and made things so much more complicated.

I'm having an affair with a man who is everything my H isn't. Sober for one. I don't want another relationship, I need to find my own independence but this guy....let's call him Doug, is making me see my life for the shambles it is. I feel confident, strong and feminine around him. It could be classed as a seedy affair but even if it is based around sex, it's making me feel empowered and sexy and desired. First time in many many years.

Right now home isn't going to change. I pretend all is ok though I'm now sleeping on the sofa because I can't bare to be next to him. My DS is going into final GCSE year so don't want to add any extra stress.

I guess my question is, keep my tiny bit of pleasure in my miserable life going or not. Doug is single so no issues there but we do live in a small town where everyone knows each other.

Or do I nip it in the bud now? But he makes me so me again!

Your concern is your son, yes? How shit is life for him at the moment?

I have experience from your son's perspective. No outcome is going to be great - but you can work to make one a lot better for him.

Things aren't too shit for my DS because I do job of making home life calm. I keep my mouth shut and just get on with it. He's happy and has the potential of getting some excellent grades next year.

Do I just carry on doing what I'm doing until the affair dies or takes another turn?

Is this too risky? It's a mess.

I split with DH during DDs final GCSE year. DD suffered with anxiety to the effect that she was seeing a councillor at school and that special arrangements were made for her mock exams. There was not substance, alcohol or OW involved in our decision to split. He was just a controlling twat. Once he left it was as if a cloud had lifted. DD went in to her GCSE exams cool as a cucumber. Came out with 1 B and the rest A s. I appreciate you are trying to do what is best for your son but please don't be fooled into thinking staying is necessarily the best option.

I would leave with someone else or without. You don't deserve to be so unhappy.

The one issue you don't address is WHY you are still with your husband? Why don't you just end it and get on with your life?

Everyone who has an affair finds something awful about their spouse to justify it.

If you're not happy, leave.

Your ds will cope with a planned separation far better than finding out his mum is having an affair with a neighbour. What if that secret comes out the week before his GCSEs?

In fact, doesn't the thought of everyone finding out, and their responses, stop you in your tracks? The thought of your dh having the moral high ground when he finds out?

Doug has helped you to see that you're unhappy, and the sort of relationship you want. Let all of that be your impetus to leave. Put the affair on hold until you are single.

To clarify. I'm saying this because your marriages genuinely sounds crap.

My advice: Doug sounds great. Keep him, just don't go falling head over heels in love. Yet.

Hubby is a drunk. You should have had a three times out policy. Leave. Whilst you still have a life.

DC: how close to exams? If a few months hang in there, and make preparations to go. But don't move in with Doug.

Essentially. Keep Doug, end marriage, get your independence. Then you can decide whether Doug is real or escapism.

Speaking from experience if your DH is an alcoholic I seriously doubt your DS is happy.

Duh sorry, just remembered and reread OP. Your dc has a year left. Think you should wait it out for his sake.

But I do think you ought to leave at some point. If Doug is giving you the strength then go with it. Either way it is better to be with a caring man, even of it doesn't work out, than with an alcoholic. I personally wouldn't give Doug up, but if you have to stay for a while, and you feel people may find out, maybe tone it down alittle.

Can I ask why have you stayed with DH for 20 years if he's an alcoholic? I assume you must haved loved him?

@HadronCollider I did love him. A lot. But I think self preservation has kicked in and I see him and pity him. I've given him my all over the years. I've forgiven him when I've caught him messaging women, trying it on with women under my nose.

What has kept me here is the hope that one day he will change. Also finances. I have nothing. No savings, what money I do earn goes on daily living. Also I don't want to leave my house. I want him to go and me to stay and look after my children. I'm really definite about that. He can afford a flat somewhere.

We rent the house so at least that's straightforward. But not knowing how I'm going to get by financially I know will scare me and in return, my son will pick up on that.

I just can't help think I just need to keep my head down for a year. Sort out my own finances and job and get myself in a stronger position. All whilst enjoying Doug.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you within this marriage for this length of time at all. You need to look at your own self and your roles within this because you have certainly kept this going and its time you now got off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

I think you have been with him long enough now to realise that your H will not change. You've basically tried to cure and control this and of course it has not worked. The 3cs re alcoholism state that you did not cause, control or cause his alcoholism.

Did you actually grow up seeing similar as a child?

Your son is also living in a household with an alcoholic for one of his parents; he is being profoundly affected by what is happening around him. I would agree with the point already made that your son would cope far better with a planned separation than finding out that his mother is having an affair. He certainly notices that you're sleeping on the sofa. He is not going to care about your reasons; he will just see you as acting in your own best interests.

Why have you not divorced him to date?. Have you really stayed with this man at all out of some hope that in future he would change? You have stayed for your own reasons and there are elements of both codependency and the sunken costs fallacy in your writings.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my intention throughout my marriage was to be a good wife, for better for worse and all that.

It's been a tough ride over the years and as well as the drink I've had to deal with a disabled child too. My focus has totally been on being a wife and mum.

My upbringing was dysfunctional. Divorces, step kids, half siblings. It was pretty crap. Went from one crap life to another.

Leave your marriage. Not fair on any of you - you, husband, son, Doug.

If you have a shit marriage or shit relationship you should have the self respect to leave not have an affair which just makes it all messier than it needs to be.

Well your not a good wife are you? You're sleeping with another man. Not really the point of being faithful is it, no matter what your reasons. You didn't have to jump into bed with someone else, you should have left.

Leave him. That's your only option really, or suck it up and stop seeing the new guy. Sorry but got little sympathy for someone who has a problem marriage but creates further problems through it. Leave him if you aren't happy and want happiness. Your son is well aware you aren't and probably knows you're cheating on his dad too. Not a great role model from either parent really.

You need to break up with your dh if you're already cheating on him. It's not fair on him or your son or anyone really.

Your sons probably having a shit time already. My mum finnaly left my dad in the middle of my alevels over similar stuff (except my dad was doing the cheating and drinking) and I was relieved more than anything. I didn't do well in my alevels but I don't think it was because of that!

You should have divorced years ago. There is no justification for an affair. And your DC will know what is going on. You sleeping on the sofa and him drinking at breakfast - kids are not stupid or blind.

Well you know my position OP. I think you have given, and given, and given, and given, with little in return, and due to your background, you never expected better; in fact you probably never even felt deserving of better and would never have actively searched for better, or capable of getting it, so leaving was a hurdle just too much beyond you. Having a shit past tends to make you cling on to dear life to anything remotely stable, which also would have made leaving a herculean task without proper support. So this is the better outcome.

My concern is that even if you give yourself a year to leave, you may find it very difficult to make the break. I think beside obvious things like getting better work, you ought to get some support, maybe women's aid is a place to start. There may also be organisations that provide help for partners of alcoholics. I think there may be issues as a PP said of co-dependency, and definitely you should get counselling for your past. Just simply being on your own abruptly without support may be too much.

Anyway, as I said, all power to you. Its easy for people to say 'just leave', and be disapproving of infidelity, but not everyone can 'just leave' and if this new 'doug' is waking you up, hang on to him. You shouldn't put anymore energy into this marriage, its clearly dead. The best you can hope for is that you both move on. It may make your husband wake up to the destruction his alcoholism has caused.

Your husband betrayed his vows ages ago. Being faithful isn't the only vow people are required to keep.

Best of luck for the future.

"@AttilaTheMeerkat my intention throughout my marriage was to be a good wife, for better for worse and all that".

You clearly believed in that but your H has not.

With your familial background and family of origin being as it is you were conditioned from an early age to not expect any better from relationships. What you have now is basically another version of what you already know and was taught from those days.

This is no legacy to leave your son and out of the two of you he is the most vulnerable. He will take the full impact of his parents choices and actions (just as you have).