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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to tell this man I don't want a relationship

17 replies

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 22:46

I have known this man for about eight years, and this year we started a relationship

I've been a single parent since 2002, when I left my abusive XH, I've had one other relationship since then, but I came to realise (with support from lovely mners) that he was using me for sex and didn't care about me at all. That ended in about 2010/11

I'm perfectly happy on my own with my now adult DC, but entered into this new relationship. All was going well but DD2 has been very unwell recently and has been hospitalised five times in seven weeks, her physical health is fine but she is struggling mentally

I have my own battle with my mental health and partly as a result of this my house has become a real mess. I'm a council tenant, and it's been mentioned that we go into temp housing and the council will come in and clear and sort my house for me

This is causing me major worries and I'm also worried sick about DD2, I really don't have the time, energy or headspace for anything else

With regards to this man, it's like a switch has gone off and I am not in the least bit interested in any kind of romantic relationship, though I do value him as a friend, as we had a really good friendship before

But every single day and night he messages me, saying he wants to be with me, he can't wait to see me again, that I must make time for me, and DD2 is not the only thing in my life, sometimes he gets suggestive in the messages he sends.

I just want to be left alone sometimes! I can't go to bed but he's messaging me and if I don't answer I get texts asking if I'm ok, etc

I'm feeling so hounded, and I want to tell him to get off, but is that fair? My life has changed since this relationship started, and I feel like I don't want this man in it anymore, at least not as a partner

Sorry for the long post

OP posts:

annielouise · 02/08/2017 22:56

I know it's not easy but you have to be assertive, which you've clearly not been enough for him to get the message. Just tell him - XXX, you're a good friend, but that's all I want, sorry. Hope you find someone that is good for you. If he persists after this tell him you have to end the friendship. If he persists after that you get the police to warn him off.

Original poster

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 22:58

Thankyou annielouise

Being assertive has been a problem for me my whole life, I am better than I used to be, but I still struggle with it

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 02/08/2017 23:02

'she is the only thing (not a thing - the most precious person) in my life so until you wrap your brain round that, best stop hassling me. Got it?'

Original poster

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 23:08

I like that reply Alternative!

Maybe I should just stop being so meek and tell him that, definitely gets the message across!

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 02/08/2017 23:12

yes you should. how dare he?

Ohyesiam · 02/08/2017 23:18

Ask him for some space. You have a massive amount to deal with right now, and you can't handle anything else.
You don't owe him, your time or attention.
You can be bunt, you can be gentle, but tell him op

pumpkinmoon1 · 02/08/2017 23:19

I have been where you are. I was seeing someone for around 4 months a few years ago. At first I really liked him but then after about the three month mark, a switch went off and I didn't feel that way about him any more. I wished I did at the time as he would have made a great partner, but I just couldn't feel that way. We stayed close friends for about a year after and we still message occasionally and have the odd catch up here and there.

You have to do what is best for you. Tell him that you want some space if you can't end it completely, and of he doesn't respect your wishes, block him for a while. The man I just spoke about used to hound me also, and it really had a negative effect.

Original poster

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 23:22

Oyesiam

I thought I had told him already, but either I wasn't clear or assertive enough, or he chose not to listen

He's trying to message me right now, and get me to talk, and I really can't be bothered with any of it

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/08/2017 23:22

Just stick to the bare minimum

"I've been thinking a lot about my life and about what's important to me. Our relationship isn't going to work out I'm afraid, I'm calling it a day"

Original poster

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 23:25

Thanks for the advice everyone

I'm going to block him for now I think, give myself a bit of breathing space, hope he doesn't turn up at my door

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/08/2017 23:28

My love, he's not listening to you because he's in this FOR HIMSELF.

This is another form of abusive man. He's not listening, because he doesn't want to.

Your needs aren't important to him. Sure he'll say they are, he'll dress it up to manipulate you into thinking it's all about you, but it isn't.

I had this once with a guy I dated a few times, I was ill for about a month, it wiped me out, yet this bloke when I'd say how exhausted I was would call me and chatter on and on. Initially I was too polite to say anything, then I'd ignore calls and eventually I said no to him a couple of times, he didn't listen so I ended it.

Text the guy, tell him it's over

Expect him not to take no for an Answer, you will have to block him probably, and sooner than you think.

Hissy · 02/08/2017 23:29

If he turns up, don't answer, or tell him to leave you alone

If need be, call for police back up.

Original poster

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 23:33

That sounds about right Hissy

He's good at saying it's all about me, and how special I am, I did fall for it before, but now with everything that's going on, he hasn't exactly been supportive, just keeps going on about how much he wants to see me

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 02/08/2017 23:35

I don't think its your fault that you've not been assertive enough with him to get the message hammered home to him. He doesn't sound very perceptive and you are going through so much at the moment OP that he should back off. He hasn't got much self-awareness has he? Your DD has been hospitalised 5 times in 7 weeks, of course you have other things on your mind.

Him hounding you is not your fault or lack of assertiveness, I think it sounds more like him with the problem. Hope your DD and you are ok.

Jellysparks · 02/08/2017 23:35

He sounds like a needy pest. he doesn't "love" you despite what he says, it's all about HIS needs.

Original poster

zukiecat · 02/08/2017 23:39

Yes I am fast finding out just how needy he is, he doesn't seem to care much about what I need or want

Thank you Botanical

We're just taking it one day at a time, but even just doing that is exhausting in itself

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 02/08/2017 23:50

Taking it one day at a time is sensible, I have suffered from MH issues and I understand how overwhelming and exhausting seemingly simple everyday things can become.

As PP say, this man is not on your side or being supportive when you need it most so fully prepare to block him. It is entirely fair to tell him that in no uncertain terms that any relationship is off the cards. Who wants to be hounded? No-one, not even at the best of times

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