Help! Will it always take energy to be in a relationship with a childfree partner?

[Newnamenow100]

What did you do? They are 55, never had kids of own but work with them every day. Lived with kids on and off but were a relative's.
Now we are seeing each other, I am 45 with two DC under 12.
Lovely though my DP is, after 18 months I am feeling the strain as I explain that their sometimes "thoughtless" behaviour is also simply "egotistical kid under 10" stuff. They're just learning how to be people!
The difference is stark as of course at work my DP garner's respect, here there is more tired grumpy child testing us by saying how it is, how they feel.
I don't want to be single forever but this is HARD, not ignoring DCs' feelings but also not letting DC split me and OH.
We don't live together but DC are now getting the feeling that we are a serious couple..

HELP! Advice from someone who's been there? And to anyone who recommends that I stay single and devote my life selflessly to my DC until they leave home in their thirties - I don't believe that will do ANY of us any good 😉

Can you give any examples of the kind of behaviour that your dp doesn't like and what his/her reaction is to it?

Just a word of warning; my mum's childless partner was mostly intolerant of me, especially during my teenage years and it made me totally fucking miserable and lacking in self esteem. Don't let a dick head partner ruin your child's childhood.

Just find some else your own age. Dp will only get more selfish and set in his ways as he gets older.

Just live apart until the boys leave home

Step sons and childless men don't go together very well.

Is the DP definitely a man though Quitelikely ?

Your DC are very young, so the best is yet to come shall we say. If it's hard now, it will only get worse as raging teenage hormones kick in.

Personally I'd save myself (and my DC) the stress of living together. My current DP and I live apart. We both have late teens living with us, and both have differing parenting styles, I am far more relaxed this way, and I'm pretty sure so is my DS.

I'm not saying put your life on hold, but there has to be an agreeable compromise for all of you..good luck

Some teachers/care workers who've never had kids etc have no idea how to deal with children in family life, I've seen that first hand.

It will not get better. Please don't inflict someone on your kids who doesn't get them and can't cope with their normal behaviour. It's very unfair on them.

You don't have to stay single but you do need to make good choices in terms of partners.

I'm 45 with one dd (15) my brand new DH is 39 and never wanted children and has none - however he is to all intents and purposes dd's dad now and they get on well and he handles her moods and hormones like an actual boss. Sure, there are times she drives him nutty, but is approach is totally parental ie I could kill you but I love you unconditionally. It came naturally. I've also been in the position with exdp where it absolutely did not come naturally and ime you cant make it fit.

My childless dp is fond of my DC. But we don't live together and won't until DC much much more independent and less housebound (they are just reaching primary age now). Children need peace in their home. Don't let this man into their lives unless he likes and respects them, and is willing to let them be kids.

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I think you ought to finish this relationship and find someone more compatible with your DCs or decide not to move in and have him more as a background partner they rarely see. Your children's self esteem is really important and the position of stepfather, official or otherwise is, from a child's standpoint, one of very considerable influence and power. Please do not give it to someone who may not truly want it, or wield it in their best interests.

And to anyone who recommends that I stay single and devote my life selflessly to my DC until they leave home in their thirties

Don't pretend the only options are "stay with this person regardless of the effect of my kids OR stay single for the next few decades". It's perfectly OK to have a partner, it just sounds like THIS PARTICULAR ONE isn't compatible with your current situation.

It sounds like you have a couple of options:

1. Continue the relationship, but accept that you will have to see your partner separate from family life for the time being. I know this isn't what you want to hear -- you want the magic words that will make your partner and kids love each other like you love them both. Those words don't exist. In a few years, when your children are older, you can re-assess how much time you all spend together 'as a family'.

2. End the relationship and find someone who is going to be less crap for your kids to be around.

3. Force your partner and kids to spend time together. Your partner will not enjoy this, your kids will not enjoy this, you will feel pulled in two directions and you will make dramatic statements to both like "don't make me choose between my kids and my own happiness". Guilt and stress all round.

4. Dump your partner and martyr yourself by staying single for the next decade because "the kids come first". Be sad and resentful because "apparently you're not allowed to be happy when you're a single parent".

I don't recommend the last two

As a fellow single parent, I would never put my desire for a relationship above my children.

If your partner is intolerant of your children, find a different partner

When I first got together with my DP my kids really resented him and things were pretty tense for a while. This REALLY upset me and I was all set to end the relationship, funnily enough it was my exh who told me to hold fire and let them adjust to having him around and wait and see what happened.

I'd be on my own with them for 4 years at that point and they just weren't used to seeing me with anyone and had got used to having me all to themselves and their noses were a bit put out of joint!

I'm sooo glad I didn't end things with him as 2.5 years on he lives with us and they absolutely ADORE each other. He's looked after them for me all week while I've been at work and they've been baking cupcakes and all sorts and are best buddies now.

He is only 27 and they are 13 and 11 so maybe a bit different to a 50 year old? But it's a big adjustment for everyone and to a degree teething problems are normal and to be expected.

But my DP was never critical of my kids, it was the other way around! I'm not sure I would have persevered if he had been unkind or intolerant of them. Maybe keep him as a more casual boyfriend for now, don't move him in but spend some days together and see if things improve? If not though he'll have to go unfortunately.

Actually better advice could be given if we knew what kind of behaviour we're talking about. There is the possibility that being around your DCs all the time, you are possibly underestimating bad behaviour as you are used to it. It's difficult to tell since you don't provide specific examples. But if it is just run of the mill childish behaviour, then the advice on this thread remains pertinent.

Do you think part of the problem is that he wants a peaceful, quiet life being 55 and never having had kids? If so then I think you have problems. You aren't well matched in terms of living together.

But it's hard to say without specific examples.

Brilliant advice, thank you.
My new DP (only 18 months) brought up her relatives kids from toddlers, they're now in their twenties. And lived with ex's kids until they were young teens. That was ten years ago.
I think hadron hit the nail on the head - maybe I'm so knackered and used to stuff that I occasionally overlook stuff I wouldn't before! I mean, I'm superstrict and my friends come to me to ask about their kids!!
Examples of what I'm talking about - none of it is such terrible behaviour tbh! Since school hols we have had DC11 answer me back in a shout (so I made her take 10 mins time out, she apologized) and DC6 stamp and throw her kindle on floor cos I said bedtime and no more screens.

Psychedelic. It was me that held it together for them in the family home before, whilst being bullied by their DF for not being strict enough or "sorting that out". Prick.. Now they run rings around him EOW and the 6yo even sleeps in his bed, FFS!!

Stepping back I can see that my DC respect and miss my new DP. I frequently find them on the phone chatting, asking when they're next going to be together etc. This morning they've asked if we can all go out.

I'm just supersensitive that all will be well. We live in separate homes and talk about things like this ALL THE TIME, so different to my other relationship.

This forum advice has been so helpful. I will step back, slow down and consider everyone's viewpoints.

Thank you

And my new DP NEVER responds to the kids behaviour when it's less than brilliant, but ALWAYS speaks to me afterwards.
In fact, I think this post is more about me not wanting to hear that my DC aren't gold plated little angels

I think people were asking for examples of what your DP I'd doing?

*is