Would really appreciate some thoughts about XH texting DS

[YouKnewWeHadToDoItEventually]

First of all there is a huge backstory here which I know sometimes taints the way I look at XH's relationship with DS.
It isn't really relevant to this post though so I've decided to just post the question I have and would really appreciate some unbiased feedback.

DS is 12. He's never been a great texter and will only stick to texting what he thinks is necessary. Therefore no emojis, love you's, kisses etc.

XH left last May (it was his choice, I wanted him to stay) DS was devastated and at first blamed me. I've worked really hard to keep our family life as normal as it could be given the massive changes being a single parent brings. I talk to DS and DD about how they're feeling, how I'm feeling, what's happening and why. We seem to be doing ok. (This is explaining what's happened at its most basic)

DS needed me to sort out some technology on his phone and I had a nosey at some of the texts XH had sent him.
There's some texts that I'm pretty sure upset DS at the time (although he didn't tell me) including 'well I guess you haven't missed me then' 'feeling crazy because he is there all on his own' and similar.

My question is, should I have a chat with DS about it? He wouldn't be angry that I've looked at his phone so I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried that the time stamps on those texts coincide with DS being quite moody and emotional for no reason that I could fathom at the time.
If I do talk to him, how is best to do it? I know he misses his dad too but he wouldn't text him telling him that because it's just not something I think he feels comfortable doing.

Any advice is more than welcome.

You could talk to him about the fact that you and your ex are adults and that neither of you should be putting your feeling on him. Introduce the idea of guilt tripping and manipulation and how that is not ok when people are adults, let alone adults doing it to children. Even worse when the adult is a parent.

Then offer him the chance to tell you if he has felt either you or your ex has done it to him. That may open the discussion.

X sounds like a twat...

I would talk to him about it but NOT refer to those texts.

So for example, invent a neighbour/grandma/cousin who tries to guilt trip you. Say something like 'oof it's upsetting but it's their life etc'. Alternatively, use a tv show or news story as a way- in. (Not sure how but!)

Yes X is a twat thank you for spotting that without me saying so histiny
That's a good idea about not actually mentioning that I've seen the texts.
Thank you for your post too Aussie I will address the guilt tripping.
I'll see if I can use a bit of both of what you've suggested.

Just thought I'd bump my thread to see if anyone else had any different thoughts on the matter?

My love, your ds is 12. Our job as parents is to protect our dc.

You will have to say that his phone will be potentially looked at, to make sure he's safe etc.

Say you saw the texts from his dad and that you'd like to talk about to him about them.

It doesn't have to be tough or the third degree, just ask him if he's ok, and how did the texts make him feel.

It may be that he's not bovvered. Blokes are a lot less hung up on things that we are I think.

Thankyou Hissy you're right, under any other circumstances I would have addressed it immediately.

I think I'm being so careful what I say about XH in front of DS that I've lost sight of when I need to step up on his behalf.

Thankyou for replying, it's good to know my initial reaction was the correct one.

It's about being there for them and encouraging them to open up to us and talk I think. My DS is almost the same age as yours, and although I have not been through his phone lately, I do check up from time to time and I do ask questions about anything I see that I want to know more about.

DS dad doesn't know DS number, doesn't even know he has one. I'm keeping it that way because I can't trust ex. I prefer to be the buffer and make sure ex is on speaker. he has form for not being able to prioritise anyone except himself... He lives abroad. it's easier.

I agree you should talk to your son about the texts, and yes his father should nt have sent them but perhaps your son could show his father more attentive and t ft more frequently

I know that DS can be quite aloof at times but I really don't think (at 12) that he should be worrying about showing his dad more attention Northern

But as I said I was looking for advice and I will take on board what you've said and keep it in mind when I broach the subject with him.