'Accepting' that a marriage is over - what does it actually mean?

[Whereisthesunshine]

Motivated by the chat I had with a colleague today. I told her how, a year on, I still struggle with having been left by my h and that the looming divorce has triggered a lot of sadness and upset. She said "Surely, by now you have accepted it?"

To use the words of that annoying Sex and the City woman, I couldn't help but wonder what 'accepting' actually means.

Do I logically know the divorce is going to happen? Yes.
Do I want it to happen? No.
Does is still hurt? Fuck yes.
Am I working hard to pick myself up and move on? Yes (although not always successfully).
Would I take him back? I would entertain the thought of trying to see whether there would be a way forward, redefine, work on us, even if the outcome is unclear. It was a marriage after all, not just a few months of casual dating.
Do I know he doesn't want me back? Yes. He is happy on his own.

Have I 'accepted'?

What does/did it mean for you?

Accepting something isn't the same as liking it. You have come to terms with the facts perhaps, but you are still hurt and still have feelings. And getting to a point where you really dont care (I suppose that's what she means by acceptance) is different. It takes time, for some it will be quick and others it will take longer, sometimes years.

What a flippant remark

I don't think she meant it to be flippant. I just got me thinking really. 'Accept and move on' is a phrase which is thrown around so often so I was just wondering what it meant for people.

Accepting it to me means getting to the point where you realise that you cannot change what has happened. Therefore you have no choice but to move on. You know he doesn’t want to be involved anymore therefore there’s nothing else you can do except work on your own life. Doesn’t mean you have to like it but what other choice do you have?

Split 1986. Fully at peace with it - around 2011. Not that I wanted him back, not at all, not ever. But you commit to something for life, and then that doesn't happen, it all has consequences. If anything reminds me, I can still get angry, about the relationship not the divorce. So perhaps I've still got some distance to go before I 'accept it'!

I still haven't fully accepted my ex-DP leaving (it was sudden, discussing marriage one minute then his secret family came out the next) and that was years ago. I don't love him anymore, not even close, and am happy with my DH but part of me still wants to hurt him for how he made me feel.

What shelagh said - that's it exactly.

Shelagh, yes this makes sense and is probably closest to what I think. Genghi, it's encouraging to hear you could move on even though there are still some feelings of anger.

I am coming up on two years out from split of a 10+ year relationship. I have been with someone new for quite a long time (met him early on, though only got serious about a year ago). Divorce paperwork has just been set in motion.

While I've accepted that the marriage is over, am I fully at peace about it? No. Seeing my ex makes me physically sick afterwards. I am rattled by his antics and still worry about how he will behave in future (we have DC).

My answers to your questions...
Do I logically know the divorce is going to happen? Yes.
Do I want it to happen? Yes.
Does is still hurt? Fuck yes.
Am I working hard to pick myself up and move on? Yes. Sometimes I am very rattled, sometimes I feel big pangs of pain over it, over the loss, the waste of it, and what I used to believe would be my future.
Would I take him back? No.
Do I know he doesn't want me back? No. I think he mostly doesn't, but I also think he is very angry with me for upending his world.

I initiated the split though, which I think makes a bit of a difference, especially for a woman.

My heart goes out to you OP and I don't think you should be "over it". I think it's natural to be still working on acceptance. It's like a bereavement, the feelings work themselves out on their own timetable. x

Thank you, stamp. I wish you all the best.

Let's hope your colleague never finds out how off the mark her comment was.

It is like a bereavement. I left my husband early 90s. It's still a sore point. Divorce is sad.

There was a time I'd beat myself up for not accepting the end of my marriage. I couldn't quite reconcile my actions (being the one to initiate the divorce, settlement, house-sale, new house, new job etc etc) with my feelings (trauma and then an emotional pain that lingers even today).

I now accept that I will always have feelings about the end of my marriage because it meant so much to me. I can't answer your questions straightforwardly because for me, each one presents me with precisely the irreconcilable dilemma's I've described.

Sometimes I feel so sad I cry, even now. At other's I feel so relieved I don't have to live like with such unhappiness any more. Sometimes I marvel at how far I've come and how strong I am. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I fear what will happen (i.e. how I will feel) when the day inevitably comes that I have to face him again, as I went no contact at the end of the divorce and haven't seen him for about 5 years now.

So when I realised that people saying I should accept and move on was not helpful I just stopped mentioning it, I shut the 'have you seen/heard anything from..' questions down.

Acceptance? Of course one one level I accept my marriage ended. On another, deeper level it's much more complex than that.

Thank you everyone everyone for your views - it's interesting to read everyone's stories and views. I think I will always find this chapter of my life very difficult to reconcile. The way he behaved and what he said and did, and what I said and did in the thick of my emotions. I am 'only' one year in and not even divorced yet, so I hope that time will bring the acceptance I probably don't have right now. Or maybe 'making peace' is a better way to describe it.

I am worried though that all of this might have an impact on a future relationship I hope to have. I'm mid thirties but always wanted children. The institution of marriage is also very important to me so I struggle with getting to grips with the fact that my h chose to walk away rather than try to work on it.

Did/does it play a role in your current relationships?

This may help
More Here

Radical Acceptance
xx

Yes, it does, in all my relationships. I think there's a lot in the link that user gave which fits for me.

I think acceptance does take practice and it's kind of a life skill but it's not something that can be accomplished early on in a situation of bereavement especially a sudden, unexpected, traumatic one, IME.

Thing is, in many ways I'm a different person now to the woman I was years ago. I got to know myself as an individual and in doing so worked through what I would want from a future relationship. At the moment I still need to be single and I don't question that any more, it just is the way it is.

OP, you are in that difficult hinterland of not together but not legally connected either. I think what you're asking yourself is understandable and the answers you reach now won't be the same answers you reach in a year, two years. And if making peace is a better way for you to understand your own process, then that's good enough.

not dis-connected

Thank you, aka, this makes a lot of sense.