How to stop the thoughts of the affair

[WhatHurtsTheMost]

So about 6 weeks ago i found out my partner of 8 years had been cheating on me with a work colleague. It had been going on for 2 months mostly flirty emails and they had sex twice. It only stopped as i found out.

Previous to this our relationship had been going down the drain. We were both miserable for months before this incident though that does in no way justify it. DP admitted to me that he had only stayed with me for so long as we have a 6 year old DD. I also had thoughts of leaving my DP in the past few months as i was so unhappy but also stayed and tried to get on for DD's sake. DD was unplanned and we were both young, everything happened very fast.

I do admit i did not put much effort into our relationship for some time before our problems began . DP did make more of an effort than me to do things together and spend time together. Anyway he has said that the way our relationship had been going and how unhappy he was is what led to the affair though he has reiiterated that this is no excuse and he should have either spoke to me or ended our relationship instead of doing what he did. He has said he felt unnapreciated and the attention from the work colleague made him feel appreciated. I know from emails i have seen that she is very persuavive and she did start the flirting though my DP should never have took her up on this and in my opinion they are both as bad as each other as she is also married with kids.

So fast forward to now. I have decided to give things another shot as i really do love him and i know he is desperately sorry and is doing whatever he can to show me he does not want to lose me. I left for a while and stayed with my DM and during this time DP said that he realises now how much he loves me and wants to make our relationship work . Since i have come back (approx 2 weeks ago) things have never been better. He is like a changed person as am I and we talk a lot now and are so much closer and happier and i know our relationship could be great if we can move past this.

But my problem is that i cannot get the thoughts of them together out of my mind. All day long i picture them having sex and it hurts me so much and i am finding it very hard to not think about it.
I often feel very angry towards DP and he understands this and does his best to talk to me and support me but it just tears me up inside. I feel like i have a constant pain in my heart !

Does anyone have any advice on how i can help myself move on and stop thinking about all this ?

We are going to counselling this week and i am hoping that will help but i was hoping for some advice from others that may have been in this position before ?

Well I haven't but many years ago now my dad did and from both my parent's descriptions of the whole thing it sounds very similar - the regret, the admittance from my mum that she'd not responded to my dad's attempts to keep the relationship going beforehand, my dad's complete acknowledgment that this didn't even begin to excuse it.

And.... sorry, I don't know how my mum managed to deal with it, I can only tell you she's glad she did and that 'never been better' bit that you're describing has lasted ever since for them.

Every now and then I have a drink with my dad and it comes up - the utter contempt he still carries for himself shocks me sometimes, which is fair I guess.

I do know they sort of 'rebooted' the relationship mentally, rather than feeling like they just carried on.

Obviously I can't promise any of this for you, but maybe a glimmer of hope is worth something.

I think it's very early days.The link below might help though. Good luck

www.goasksuzie.com/guide/surviving-infidelity-betrayed-spouse/

The website I linked to has lots of articles and advice on how to move on - you don't need to purchase anything.

He's only sorry he was caught; no matter how bad the relationship, he CHOOSE to cheat and hurt you beyond belief; he didn't have to do that just because he was seeking attention, some people can go off and have affairs and some just can't, you now know he CAN.

I'd not trust him either OP, it will take a long time to regain any trust in him; he's full of excuses but the fact remains, he never valued what you had and decided it was better to shag OW, no wonder you can't get them out your head, has he even had a consequence for this awful behaviour, cos if not, I'd guarantee he'll do it again next time he feels justified, poor baby...!

Thank you SillyLittleBiscuit i will read that

Adora yes he has had consequences i did leave for a while so he knows how it is without me and he is also leaving his job next week as OW still works there and that was part of the conditions of me giving us another chance that he find a new job. I do not trust him and have access to his laptop phone and emails if i wish to check. I and he both know that trust will take a long time to regain. He is upset and sorry for what he has done i can see it he has cried a few times something he never does. And he has made a real effort to show me how much he doesnt want to lose me. He is fighting hard for me which is on of the main reasons i have even considered to give him this chance

Well that's good OP but I'm afraid, crocodile tears, the affair would still be going on if you hadn't caught him out.

Sounds the right path, he should be fighting for you, he's bloody lucky you are giving him one chance.

And to cheat with a work colleague, eugh, the talk of the office no doubt.

Long road ahead but you may get there, you may not, only time and his attitude and behaviour from hereonin will decide the final outcome.

I wish you well but for me some people can cheat, some can't, he's the first one and I'd be very careful with your trust from now on.

Two weeks isn't long enough to begin to get over this. It will take months and you will never forget what he did although the pain may be less in time.

I wouldn't be able to stop the thoughts. I wouldn't have gone back though.

DP admitted to me that he had only stayed with me for so long as we have a 6 year old DD

This is not good OP, just be 100% sure he's with you for the right reasons otherwise you forgiving him is a waste of your emotional energy, you both are either 100% committed and in love with each other or else, after this, I'd be calling it a day. Don't accept half a relationship or half a person, it's all or nothing.

Only time will help and him being remorseful.

He needs to show you how grateful he is to have another chance and reassure you that he can be a trustworthy partner.

It won't happen overnight... But in time the thoughts fade away.

Have a look at at www.survivinginfidelity.com

There are many in your shoes there.

Nah. I'd call it a day, if I were you.

It is possible to recover from an affair provided both parties work at it. It sounds as though he is making the right steps by leaving his workplace, being open about you seeing their emails and you both talking to each other.

You'll never forget the hurt you've been put through but it does lessen as time goes on, and as long as things are moving forward in a positive way it will ease. You can't constantly hold an affair over someone's head though as a reminder that they mucked up, it;s not going to help build back up a good relationship. you both have to be with each other because you want to be.

Not Just Friends a book by Shirley Glass is a pretty helpful book for you both to read.

Wishing you all the best, it's a horrible situation to be in but it is recoverable!

Thank you sandy i will have a read of that

Hi howcomes thank you for your message. I know i will never forget the hurt and i am hoping the counselling will help me deal with it in a better way. I am my own worst enemy for dwelling on things and i am a major worrier. I am also quite nervous of the counselling as i have never done anything like it before