Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave?

13 replies

vsg1963 · 02/08/2017 14:28

We've been together 14 years, married for 10 years. No children together, but each have 3 grown up children from previous relationships. My youngest still at home.
DH is semi retired and I work full time. I've been unhappy for 3 years or so. He's happy, has many hobbies and generally does his own thing. We have infrequent and unsatisfying sex. I get little affection unless he wants sex. I have been sexually rejected by him many times. This has stopped as I feel so awful when this happens that I no longer initiate anything.
I feel unloved and unwanted, unattractive and depressed. I feel I can't live like this for the rest of my life.
I left an abusive marriage and very quickly met DH. Looking back my self esteem was so low I didn't think anyone else would want me.
DH is aware that I'm unhappy and why. He has type 2 diabetes and is overweight. He also has low testosterone and is not responding to treatment. He doesn't understand why I'm unhappy and gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. I know he can't help his medical issues but I feel if he really cared about me and my feelings he would try harder to make me feel loved and wanted. There is no flirting, no sexy talk and he turns away or shuts his eyes when I dress/undress. Am I being unreasonable to want more than this?

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 02/08/2017 14:41

If you want more, you're unhappy, if you've tried to talk and nothing changes, if you have given it your best shot to fix it and its still the same, then leave with a clear conscience.

Adora10 · 02/08/2017 14:42

No not unreasonable at all, if he wont address it OP it leaves you no choice, go and find a man that actually cares enough to be wiling to work on things, he sounds completely detached.

Original poster
vsg1963 · 02/08/2017 15:54

Thanks. In my heart I know that I need to do this but it's hard. I know he will play the victim and yes he is detached from my feelings at least.
There is also a certain amount of gaslighting going on as he keeps telling me that other people our age (50s) don't have sex Hmm. He is devaluing my feelings and laughs and dismisses me when I try to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 16:27

Some people will always go for the 'easy win' - playing the victim etc. Show him you are not a weak person and this will build your confidence, be prepared to leave if that's what it takes.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/08/2017 20:51

Perhaps make an active decision to let him be the victim. He will be happier being the victim and you won't waste energy arguing about it. You don't have to agree with him, just don't argue against you being the baddie. Say as little as possible beyond it isn't working for you anymore and it is over.

Original poster
vsg1963 · 03/08/2017 07:43

Thanks both of you. I know I have to go for the sake of my own happiness and that he will be the victim however and whenever I do.
I agree that just telling him it's over without going into the whys and wherefores would be best for me, but doesn't he deserve to be given a reason? I know that if I were in his shoes I would want one.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 03/08/2017 10:16

He obviously has erectile disfunction due to illness. This must be taken into account. In the same way as a woman after childbirth menopause whatever. How is he outside the sexual area. Do ye chat together holiday together go out together etc. Men dont find it easy to acknowlege their issue in this area. Has he spoken to his GP?
Are you going to be happier without him ?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/08/2017 15:09

Listing specific reasons makes it either a negotiation about what must change for you to stay or a character assassination.

Why would you want to list all the things that piss you off or hear all the things you apparently do wrong? If you think he deserves to be hurt and you want to hurt him then go ahead and list the reasons why you don't want him any more. Personally I would find it mean.

"I am not happy any more" is a good enough reason. "This just isn't working for me any more" is a good enough reason.

Original poster
vsg1963 · 04/08/2017 15:47

Junebirthdaygirl These problems have been going on for a long time and I have honestly tried ny hardest to be understanding and supportive of his medical problems. I have gone with him to the GP and the consultant. I know that it is embarrassing and difficult for him to talk about these things.
Maybe I am being unreasonable but there is little affection or intimacy of any kind. He doesn't understand that I miss the emotional bonding and closeness even though I have tried to explain this.
I work full time and he works part time. We each have our own interests. We do have some common interests.
I think I probably would be happier on my own 😐

OP posts:
Original poster
vsg1963 · 04/08/2017 15:49

Runrabbitrunrabbit I wasn't intending to list things that 'piss me off' it's just that I think that if I told him that it was over he would want to know my reasons.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 04/08/2017 16:17

Of course you should tell him the reason and tough if he doesn't like it, you're just being honest.

Isetan · 04/08/2017 16:20

He knows, you've told him repeatedly, tell him again if you must but don't get sucked into a negotiation.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2017 17:58

If you have to ask whether you should leave, you already know the answer. Move on.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page