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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dp doesn't show any love for my dcs

26 replies

Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 11:51

I'm feeling really low, my dp has 2 dcs and I have they're all a similar age 11/14. We've been together 5 years and I think things have got worse. He does a lot for them practically , builds wardrobes takes us all on holidays out for dinner, fixes things, but he shows no love to them at all, he shouts and criticises them quite a lot. He thinks he treats them all the same but he doesn't. I understand he's not going to feel the same about my dcs as his own but why can't he show he cares at all. Is it too much to expect from a step dad?

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 02/08/2017 12:03

As a step dad to three, some of it depends on how young the dc were when you met, and whether you live with them or not.

I would do almost anything for my SDC, but it's not the same relationship as with my own children. Would you say you're exactly the same with his two as your two? Probably not, if you're honest.

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 12:07

No of course I feel differently about my own, but I never shout at his never put them down, I run around after his like I do my own I treat them the same, look after them when ill etc I do show some love. But the relationship is never the same as with their actual parents but I'm feeling resentful towards dp as he just shouts and shows no love or compassion

OP posts:
category12 · 02/08/2017 12:07

It's not right to be unfairly treated at home. The shouting and criticism are harmful to their self esteem.

Naicehamshop · 02/08/2017 12:10

That's not fair on your dcs, op. Sad
Sit down and think carefully about whether you want to continue a relationship like this.

Brahms3rdracket · 02/08/2017 12:29

I would say from the point of view of someone brought up by their stepdad it's entirely right and normal for you to expect your DP to show love and affection to your DCs.

My lovely, late SD showed me he loved me, possibly more than my DF. I knew his relationship with his own DCs was different, but that was more to do with the fact they lived miles away and he only saw them a handful of times a year. He's been dead for about 25 years now and I still miss him dreadfully, he was a fantastic, caring father figure to me from the age of 5.

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 12:46

Aw brahms, thank you for sharing that.

Sometimes my dcs do need pulling into line I accept that, but when it's constant it's really causing resentment. My dd 14 is starting to answer him back more and more too, which makes things worse but sometimes I think I don't blame her! I think I need to step in but I don't think he'll take it well he seems to think he does a lot for them which like I said in practical ways he does.
My dad their grandad has just died my mum died quite a few years ago, plus they have no grandparents on their dads side were as his dcs do, his mum is a lovely caring person but it's obvious she doesn't feel the same way about my dcs it's all just building up!

OP posts:
Finallyatlast · 02/08/2017 13:23

Yes you need to step in and it's your job as their Mum to protect them! Unless you want your kids to grow up resentful towards you put them first. Yes it's difficult as a step parent but children need love and guidance not to grow up with no self esteem due to be constantly shouted at and criticised.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 13:31

Geezagirl,

And you are with him still because...

Does he show you any love and or compassion?. What is he like with you?. What are your children learning from the two of you about relationships?. He is shouting at them whilst you in their eyes stand there and do/say nothing. If you continue to do that your own relationship with your children going forward could be harmed too.

Adora10 · 02/08/2017 13:44

he shouts and criticises them quite a lot

So they will grow up into shouting critical adults, it really is that simple, this is not normal, whether they are his children or not; he is ruining their self esteem and you are their protector, start protecting them now by telling him he either changes his attitude or it's over.

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 15:53

It's not really constant shouting it's more moaning at them but for everything, when he raises his voice I do say that's enough but then he gets moody with me and just off! It's more, clean up that that pan you've just used, which is fair enough then no not like that your doing it wrong, oh for gods sake you can't do a simple task. Then starts shouting so they're a bit jumpy doing it, so then I will step in and say right that's enough of that and I go and help them. His dd then makes some beans and he cleans up after her. Hmm

He used to be loving towards me but recently he has become more argumentative. I feel the family is splitting his lot v my lot. I do step in but maybe not enough and I feel crap about it. I feel we were so much better on our own sometimes. If I was like this with his dd particularly the 13 year old not only would she hate me but he wouldn't put up with it. I'm sick of it and your all right I am their protector and a crap mum! I was better on my own with them.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 02/08/2017 16:05

My mum's marriage to my ex-stepdad didn't last long, but even though I was a sometimes stroppy 14 year old when they married, he was still kind and caring and would give me a hug if I was in tears about something. Never treated me noticeably differently to his own children. I got attached to him and was upset when they split (mainly for my mum but felt a bit sorry for myself too). So no, it shouldn't be too much to ask that he treats them all fairly.

Children shouldn't feel on edge and constantly criticised in their own home. I always felt (and still am) criticised by my stepmother when I go to visit my dad and stepmum. Very glad I didn't live with them growing up and only had to endure weekend visits once a month!

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 16:07

I just don't feel he shows them any love, 😔

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/08/2017 16:11

You are not crap, he is so put an end to it; they will feel second best all their life by his horrible treatment, if you are noticing it to the point you have to police him it's time to call it a day OP.

Adora10 · 02/08/2017 16:12

You answered it already above when you said you were better on your own with them, go back to that, can you not just date him until the kids are grown?

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 16:13

We posted at the same time sugar. You obviously felt loved by your step dad, of course we have the added problem of jealousy if he hugs one of mine which is never his dc gets jealous. On Mother's Day he helped my dc prepare some dinner, there didn't seem to be much shouting then but his dc came back from her mums and was moody and jealous cos he was helping her! She was a bit stroppy with me too! So the whole thing is a tad difficult

OP posts:
MotherPie · 02/08/2017 16:16

Just tell him to back off your kids or he's out!

Adora10 · 02/08/2017 16:23

Not many blended families actually work well OP, he probably is not meaning it but gets easily frustrated at YOUR kids more than his, I'm sure; I was the same in a similar situation, was shocked at myself for how little patience I had for partner's children; if you get them later on it's very hard to love them the same as you're own, there's no history there, no bonding; if you can I'd highly recommend living apart until all children are full grown.

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 16:42

Sounds doomed then Confused

OP posts:
NoBloodyMore · 02/08/2017 17:10

I had to end my marriage after 8 months for the exact same thing (together 9 years) but his attitude towards my then 12 year old was awful, nothing positive whatsoever and no love shown at all.

We had children together and my eldest told me " he makes me feel second best like I'm not worth as much as the other 2" I kicked him out and the fall out has been horrific, I felt like the worlds worst mum but my son will always know that as soon as I was aware of his feelings I put him first. I will forever feel guilty that I didn't act sooner.

SandyY2K · 02/08/2017 17:13

If he can't change how he speaks to them, then it's best you live apart... Because your children will forever remember his treatment towards them... And blame you for it.

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 17:30

I would rather do a clean break than living separately. I feel resentful towards him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 17:48

I don't know if it's possible to change or if it's possible to find someone who's better with them since splitting up with my husband and meeting dp there was 2 other boyfriends and I ended both of them because of the kids. One just couldn't cope with young kids and the other one shouted a lot and expected them to love him more than their father. They were both dumped , my present dp seemed more understanding of them and had children the same age so knew what to expect but it seems to of gone a similar way. The answer is to just be on your own till they've left home I guess

OP posts:
NoBloodyMore · 02/08/2017 18:52

I'm dating at the minute but not in a place where I'd consider anyone living with me & the kids, I'd be terrified of the same thing happening again. Not sure if that would change if I met the right person but can't imagine it at the minute

Original poster
Gezzagirl · 02/08/2017 19:36

Oh it was so much better when dating, we've had nothing but problems since moved in together. His ex wife the children's mother got jealous and caused problems, I suddenly had the children hating me and I had no idea what I'd done. We think lots of lies was fed to them so I've had to work hard to build a relationship with them again. He hasn't had any of this mine have been so accepting. He has a child that is possibly autistic so she is hard to handle. I'm just so fed up!

OP posts:
lilybetsy · 02/08/2017 22:28

I split from my ExP for exactly this reason, and I should have done it much sooner. He was Horrible to DS1 critical, mean, hostile and just unkind ... he bullied DS2 and one day I woke up to what was going on under my nose. There is a lot of reparation and talking to do and some of the damage will never be repaired. We are now a much happier family of 4 - DS3 was pre puberty and was "loved" by ExP ....