Where to start? I'm a 42 year old man, married (not happily at present) with three beautiful and lively boys, 11, 9 and 5. I've lost both (adopted) parents, dad from pancreatic cancer in 2003, mum from sudden heart attack in 2014. My adopted mum was (I can now admit to myself) was a bit of a cow to me. Mum remarried an alcoholic waste of space who remained in her house as per her will until last October when my (narcissistic) younger brother and myself found his decomposing body in the front room. Fast forward to now, the house has been sold at auction and is in the conveyancing stage. Although I can't do much about how my mum was with me, I can change how my brother treats me. I work for him but he's basically a carbon copy of my mum who also treats me like shit. He's split from his wife and for the last three years has dissected, moaned about, bitched about and generally talked about himself never once asking how it was going in my relationship ( he knows but doesn't seem to care). This then brings me to my marriage. I'm 7 years older and we've been together nearly 17 years, since she was 19. We married albeit hastily before my dad died and now have three boys. Outwardly we have a good life. We live in a nice house, in a nice area but inwardly it just isn't right. It's become apparent that we have very little in common apart from the boys. Our hopes, dreams and general outlook on life are worlds apart. They say opposites attract and I guess we never noticed but now we grate on each other. Being older ive done the pubbing, clubbing and wild nights and I think she feels, understandably, that she missed out. We've separated three or four times over the four years that this has been going on but somehow we're living back together. I've tried to get her to do counselling but she refuses. She won't talk about it on anything like an adult level. She has a reactive approach to anything I try and discuss with her 'I only do 'that' because you do 'this' and therefore it's all your fault. If you didn't do 'it' first then I wouldn't have to react like I do'. I can't go on like that. I'm the first to hold my hands up and say yes I f*ed up. And I'm no angel, this isn't a finger pointing bitch session at her. I'm a pain in the arse. I'm moody, overly sensitive, pessimistic and downright difficult sometimes. She's optimistic, not moody and generally sunny but she has her faults as well and it drives me crazy that she can't at least acknowledge my concerns when I raise them with her. I can't take the 'it's really all your fault' response she gives. The sexual side of things is a major problem. Our sex drives vary wildly with mine sky high and her's at rock bottom. She says she's kind of happy a few times a year where I'm happy a few times a week however unreasonable that is (I know she has the boys and a home to run) but I'm a builder grafting physically and I still could chase her round 😀 But really it's an excuse that I don't think she fancies me anymore. There's no
Passion from her anymore. I see the fire in her eyes when she sees a guy she likes and it crushes me. I'm no Brad Pitt but she's had three boys and it hasn't been kind to her body. She hasnt lost the weight she gained but to me she's the most beautiful creature to walk the earth but she just goes through the motions with me and it kills me inside. I've got a beer belly but I'm clean and okay looking (though I've never had high self esteem, mum saw to that). I think I'm trying to get her to love me (like I did with my mum) but whatever I try it's never enough (like with my mum) and I've contemplated leaving for good this time but it's the thought of what it'll do to the boys that keeps me hanging on. I've explained it in the past to the older two in a way that they understand why we separated before so it's not like it'll be a massive shock but they make it clear they don't want me to go again. I feel desperately unhappy and trapped by my situation and don't know the best way forward. Head and heart and all that...