I feel so lost and I'm terrible at being single

[StephenKatz]

I was with EXDH since the age of 16, we broke up 8 months ago after I could no longer take his jealousy and controlling nature. He's not a bad person, just don't insecure and didn't understand that his actions were wrong. I'm in my mid thirties now and we have two amazing DC that we amicably share custody of.

Since then I seem to have had a string of boyfriends that all end because they make me feel empty inside. I don't know how to break the cycle. I know I probably need to be on my own for a while but I seem desperate to prove there are nice guys out there that I can live happily ever after with. And when each one fails after a few weeks I end up feeling shit and immediately replacing him with the next one.

The guy I'm seeing at the minute is funny, nice looking and so attentive in many ways. But I feel so low. I blame myself for being oversensitive. He's an intelligent guy and he occasionally makes jokes about me being stupid. I pulled him up on it last night and reminded him that I'd already told him I have self esteem issues (as does he, massive ones). He was very apologetic to be fair, but I feel like he constantly makes jokes at my expense. But then I'm so low I think I'm just incredibly oversensitive? How do I tell the difference?

How do I break this crappy cycle? I so desperately want to find a nice man, and I know they exist but I seem to invest my whole self esteem in it. The whole world thinks I'm coping marvelously but the truth is the only time I don't feel like I'm faking life is when I'm with my children.

Sorry, that's meant to say *just insecure in the first paragraph

Echo previous poster. Spend time with your friends, enjoy (or endure!) the summer with your kids, give yourself time. Tell yourself no dating until 2018 or something, then you can leave off your constant agonising over men and having a relationship, and just be you (mind you, so soon after a relationship of around 15 years you probably hardly know what is, so you'll be needing time to figure it out!)

Have you got friends? That whole situation may need thought as I guess many of your circle were mutual friends with DH, so you'll need to unravel which ones you want to carry on with as a single gal?

Grass is always greener and so on, but I'd love to have that bit of freedom to regroup and choose how to define myself!

I would start by working out what you learnt about relationships when growing up. What sort of an example did your parents show you for instance, particularly your dad?. They were the template for your future relationships. All this needs going over with a therapist. BACP are good and do not charge the earth either.

You were in a relationship since you were 16 and at that time really had no life experience behind you either, you were so very young and but a child yourself. I am wondering if you actually know who you are even now because it seems to me that you are still using men to validate you. What is the longest period of time you have actually been on your own?. You need to love your own self and the last thing you need at the moment is yet another relationship that is going nowhere. He does not seem at all right for you either; he making jokes about you being stupid is not on and is a big fat red flag. He is using you to make him feel better. That also says to me that your boundaries in relationships need work and lots of it; your boundaries seem to be so very low as to be almost non existent. Swapping one say abuser for someone who is also just as abusive is probably what you have done here this time around too; you are repeating the same old same old because you have never been shown anything else different. Do you know what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is - no and this current man is not going to give you what you still so crave. You do not know yourself what a loving relationship actually is or entails too.

Give this man you are currently seeing the boot and love your own self for a change. That may sound trite but you are still very vulnerable and thus being exploited. I would also suggest you enrol yourself on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme and talk to them as this could also help you no end.

You feel empty because you're obviously just trying to replace the gap left by your husband asap!

You had been with your husband since 16, split only 8 months ago and have had 'a string of boyfriends' since? You need to relax! Be yourself, on your own and come to terms with the end of your long relationship and change of life before even dating

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, you've no idea how much I need a bit of a 'talking to' at the minute.

Fortunately I'm very lucky and have a couple of good friends who have a lot of life experience behind them who born say the same as you all did. They say I was never single, and that I need to embrace my time alone and discover who I really am. I just feel so stuck in a rut that I'm not worth anything unless some guy wants me. It's ridiculous I know. I just feel like I'm not moving on in life and I'm an unlovable failure

The man you are with now does not sound right at all for you.

I'm also 'intelligent' but I wouldn't dream of ever making a joke about someone else's perceived lack of it or call them 'stupid'. This man just doesn't respect you.

What are your hobbies? What are your passions? What do you like to do? Where do you like to go? What are your beliefs? Your values?

Go away for the weekend on your own. Go to a festival on your own. Go to the pub on your own. Go camping on your own. Cook new recipes. Make your own clothes. Learn a musical instrument. Join a choir. Start a band. Go on picnics. Visit all the parks in your local area. Go to a new city...

It's only when you really know yourself that you'll be able to meet someone who is truly compatible with you and who enhances your life.

You read a lot on here about how someone can't love you until you love yourself. That one I find really difficult to understand. But I thought about it a different way, and it makes perfect sense.

You will never be with a man who truly knows you until you know yourself. Find out who you are. What makes you tick. What your must haves are and your dealbreakers are. Not just in a man, but in life in general.

I'm going to add to this.

What do you want in a partner?

Some of the things I consider are their: kindness; compassion; social attitude; intelligence; curiosity about the world; attitude towards self improvement (but not financially or materialistically); political leanings; hobbies/interests; how they spend their free time; what is important to them; the diet they follow; their approach to 'self care'... If they've got dark hair that's a bonus...

They don't have to be the same as me, but they do have to be compatible/complementary with my position on these things.

What do you look for in a man?

What do you have to offer?

Mapping these out can be a really effective starting point for finding and discovering yourself and also working out what you do and don't want in a partner.

You finally have the space and time to examine and exorcise your fears. A relationship right now, without learning the lessons from your last, just increases the probability of history repeating itself,

You can't invest in a relationship, if you don't take the time to invest in yourself. If you don't know where to start, speak to a professional.

Don't short change yourself by letting your insecurities dictate your path.

Thank you again.
What do i have to offer? I don't know really. I'm warm and I put other's needs first. I wouldn't dream of being mean to someone. To be fair to him he was so apologetic and stressed he was only joking. But it made me feel so small.
I've joined the gym. The last time I was depressed (I had PND worth my eldest) it turned my life around. I lost so much weight and gained confidence in my body for the very first time in my life. I'm desperately trying to motivate myself to go to a class this afternoon. One voice is telling me 'What's the point? You've already eaten around 3000 calories today!' and the more sensible side of me is arguing that I'm not going for weight loss, I'm going for self esteem!?

Apologies, I don't know where my paragraphs went!

Morning. Did you go to the gym yesterday?

Warmth and kindness are two of the best qualities you can have. It's just that not everyone appreciates it and some people take advantage of you for it.

Putting others' needs ahead of your own is what has led you into this repeating cycle of seeking validation from men who don't respect you. I think that's what your friends are trying to say to you - it's time to put yourself first, treat yourself as well as you treat others, and the rest will follow in time. Your needs are just as important as the needs of these men. Your needs are not being met by them.

Don't blame yourself for being oversensitive - congratulate yourself that your instincts are spot on. Now listen to them - as you haven't done in your entire adult life. Stop making excuses for those around you whilst condemning yourself.

You really do need to be alone. Your sense of self-worth cannot come from another person; in giving them that power over you you are leaving yourself open to your self-worth being destroyed.

Good morning and thank you again.

I did manage to get to the gym yesterday. It was awful to see how unfit I've become but it was well worth going and I'm glad I did.

I feel down again today. Tired and worried and depressed. Boyfriend has been messaging me and I don't know what to say. He's been perfectly nice and friendly but I just feel a mess inside. You're absolutely right, I seek validation from others. I wish I knew how to stop. I'm terrified.

I get DC back this morning though so that always helps.

If there's a choice of going to the gym or not, always go to the gym. Regardless of what you ate. It's good for you to on so many levels.

Men aren't the be all and end all. Your primary relationship is with yourself, you have to be happy with who you are before expecting anyone else to make you happy.