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Original poster

Old friend terminally ill would you go and visit?

14 replies

buddhasbelly · 02/08/2017 08:15

Hi I wasn't sure which topic to post this in so hope I've got this right.

DP phoned (working away at the moment) and said that an old friend of his is very ill. From the cancer described and the operations the friend has had, it sounds like he wont make it. He doesn't want any more operations after having numerous ones this year alone.

DP is wondering if he should go and visit him. He's on the other side of the world (can afford it, cost isn't an issue), he hasn't seen him for years but they were good friends. He's just not sure if him visiting is a bit of a selfish thing to do? By what DP has said, friend is on numerous palliative care measures to make him more comfortable, had given up a bit but seems to be trying to prolong his life in any way he can. DP isn't sure if a spontaneous visit would be well received or make the poor friend feel as if they are a 'zoo attraction' (my words not his just not sure how to phrase it?)

I said that we very much regret the things we haven't done as opposed to the things we do. Any advice on how it would make the friend feel?

Oh he phoned DP not to solely tell him he was ill, but due to the industry DP works in I think the friend is looking at any alternative treatments / pain relief. Thanks

OP posts:

rumred · 02/08/2017 08:20

Yes I'd visit. Life is short. He's reached out. Do the decent thing

superking · 02/08/2017 08:20

I think your DP should just ask him how he feels. If he's accepted that he doesn't have long to live he might welcome the opportunity to see and say goodbye to friends. Alternatively he might find it too difficult and upsetting to make deathbed farewells.

It's impossible to say as every individual is different. Perhaps if your DH emailed him about it it would give him an opportunity to consider it carefully before replying, rather than a phone call which could make him feel put on the spot.

I think a spontaneous visit is not a good idea at all for someone so unwell.

carnationlilyrose · 02/08/2017 08:22

Yes absolutely he should go and visit - presumably your DP can contact his friend first to check that will be OK? I think he might regret it if not. People put a lot of emphasis on attending funerals but I think it's better to make an effort to see the person while they're still alive to say goodbye if you possibly can!

EllaHen · 02/08/2017 08:22

My brother died young. I don't know if he would have wanted friends visiting when he was very near the end. However, they came to his funeral - from all over the UK and from the other side of the world.

I cannot tell how much that meant to my family and me. Something I will always remember fondly. It greatly helped.

I know it's not what you are asking.

Hulder · 02/08/2017 08:25

I wouldn't visit spontaneously, I'd ask the friend.

As you say, they may love it, on the other hand, they may feel like a zoo attraction.

Your DP has to remember the visit is for the benefit of the friend and not for him. Would he feel it was a long way to travel for 10 minutes if the friend was v unwell?

Angelf1sh · 02/08/2017 08:46

Ask the friend. My friend died of cancer a few years back and she didn't want visitors at the end, she was too ill to cope. He will appreciate the thought even if he doesn't want the visit.

lemonzest123 · 02/08/2017 08:47

Ask the friend or, if he can't communicate, the family. My Mum refused all deathbed visits as it stressed her out. It's nice to say goodbye but not if it stresses the person.

Ginslinger · 02/08/2017 08:49

I agree - ask the friend if he would like a visit and make it clear that your DH would stay in a hotel or somewhere other than with the friend.

Crumbs1 · 02/08/2017 08:53

Ask the chap - and don't assume he's terminal unless specifically stated.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/08/2017 08:53

I've just lost a close friend and she had visitors right up until the day before she died.

It depends how your husband's friend feels and how much pain he's in tbh he needs to ask him.

Isetan · 02/08/2017 08:54

Ask, that's the only way he'll know. A spontaneous visit is all kinds of wrong because it gives his friend very little choice and cancer has already robbed him from a lot of them.

Original poster

buddhasbelly · 02/08/2017 09:15

thanks for the replies all, was along the lines i was thinking, i just couldn't quite verbalise my thoughts properly. again many thanks

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 02/08/2017 09:31

You must ask friend. I have a close friend who is very ill again with cancer and she is not up to visitors. I'm only a short drive away but she has put me off until she is feeling better.

I am dating a widower who says he wishes he'd asked friends not to visit as they did, so he and his DC's could have shared the precious time with his DW

Original poster

buddhasbelly · 02/08/2017 10:04

Many thanks for all the replies and advice, they've echoed my thoughts. I've asked for this to be deleted, just as it's an emotive subject and the DM seem to be picking up lots of threads at the moment (I realise there isn't thousands of responses so may be being a bit precious!)

Again, thanks for the advice, for those that have been in where DP's friend is/loved ones are

OP posts:

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