Relationship woes

[Mrs40]

I'm feeling bullied by my husband.

Just typing that makes me so sad. We've been married for 18 months and have a 6 month old darling baby (who is a complete joy).

I've put on some weight (more than a bit its 2 stone+). That's the main issue. I've never been someone who enjoys going to the gym but I feel I'm forced to go or accept that there will be an atmosphere on the days I don't go. Everything I eat seems to be logged too and snide remarks like 'no cake for you' when we've visited relatives.

This constant weight watch by him is actually having the opposite effect. I'm eating too much and doing it in secret when he is at work.

He is also quite negative about housework related issues. I've always been a bit messy and with a baby some things are just not priority. I think he thinks I'm doing nothing all day but we are out a lot (baby groups etc) and as far as I am concerned as long as my baby is well cared for other things can slide.

I just feel so criticised all the time and get so mad as he isnt perfect and could help more but doesn't.

I can't believe I'm in this situation as I used to be so assertive and strong but I'm worn down by it. I know I'm not married to a monster he doesn't mean to upset me but its kind of like he's thinking how did I end up with an overweight lazy wife. He of course denies he feels this way.

It's all blown up tonight and I just don't know how to fix it all.

Have you tried talking to him about all this?

You are right, your on maternity leave to look after your new baby not to be a cleaner and maid. He could offer to do more.... but doesn't.... therefore he's lazy. Does he help with the baby or is that just your job too?

As for the weight you gave birth 6 months ago!! Give yourself a break. Your will loose weight when you want to not because your pig of a husband thinks you should. I assume he's not an Adonis flexing his muscles round the house?? How about you recommend he starts to look after himself a bit better too.

I would speak to him about all this and explain his "support" is having the opposite effect and is making you resent him massively.

Thanks Glitter, I have actually hit back tonight as he smokes and I don't like that but I don't make him feel like shit every time he goes outside for one. My weight is clear to see but his black lungs are not.

I have tried to shrug it off and ask him to stop going on in a nice way but tonight I lost it as I've had enough of crying in private. I don't think he realised how upset Ive been.

Well there you go then, every time he goes for a cig make a comment about it! See how he likes it.

If he makes excuses and doesn't realise or care how he's effecting you then I don't know what else to suggest other than leave him. You deserve better. Maybe he will stop now he realises how upset you are?

I lived with someone for 4 years like this, started off as a very fun guy, charming and attentive and houseproud, he did though like a lot of unhealthy food, I ended up putting weight on, then the digs started, all said in a jokey way, then the comments about housework, then iy got that you couldn't do much as put a cup on a table for 10 minutes, he suddenly metamorphasised into a complete odd control freak, at the point where his career turned to shit and mine has blossomed, got out of it as quickly as I could!!!! Seriously OP don't tolerate this kind of shit, you are not a show pony, combined with a domestic , you are a new mum , a real person and he should love you whether 9 stone or 16 stone , that's not to say encouragement is nice if you decide you want to get fitter but it should not be compulsory!!

What a poor relationship.
End it now and leave him.

I think he just has no idea how ground down even the loveliest easiest baby can make you. I doubt he is a c&@£, he's just misguided. I remember those days, and my DH was the same. He was also on at me all the time to get a job, constantly cutting out job ads for me and saying "what do you DO all day?" And also asking how it is that he has to go to work each day to support me while I swan about doing nothing, why can't I go back to work so he can give up his job because he could start his own business and look after the baby. When we went to Relate and heard (with a counsellor there so I could be allowed to speak) just how awful he had been he was genuinely shocked and surprised. Not a c£&$, just totally clueless. He thought his constant comments about my weight and what I'd eaten were showing concern for my health and he thought my being "down" was partly caused by my weight and he thought he was supporting me in helping me lose it. As it happened we did split up eventually, but loads of other stuff happened first!

But I think people are very quick to say "leave him, get out". It's no joke being a single mum and presumably you and he had a lot in common and will do again. He's probably struggling too with this third person in your relationship, it's all difficult.

Try talking to him now that you've had your blowup and a bit of time has passed. Tell him you KNOW you're overweight and you do intend to lose it, and maybe set a reasonable timeframe for that. Say perhaps he might consider giving up fags as well now he has a baby to consider - but not in a tit for tat, throwing it in his face way, more a mutually supportive way?

I'll say it again, new parenthood is very Dark Days in a relationship. You've lost so much that used to define you as a couple (blah blah gained the most precious thing yeah I know, but the effects on the relationship are massive) and you need to work hard to understand each other in this new situation.

Of course it may turn out that he IS a total c#%^ but I would say he deserves a bit more time :)

Thanks everyone for all your comments. We're not speaking at all after last nights blow up. I'll try and have a reasonable discussion tonight but I know This can't go on. So very very sad. My darling baby is making me smile this morning though.

See right there though how DH is becoming a bit surplus to requirements in some ways? Before DC was born you only had DH to go to for comfort and smiles, now you've got someone else. Of course it's all natural and right and as it should be, but it's going to be hard for him. He needs some understanding too.

Just don't apologise as though its your fault, its not at all. You blew up because of how he was acting, he needs to apologise and mean it.

Maybe send him a text today and let him know how you've been feeling and then you can have a proper talk tonight when he's home face to face. The text will give him time to see your side and sometimes text is a good way to get things off your chest as face to face people tend to go blank (like me)

Don't apologise

His behaviour is controlling and not acceptable

So we had a big talk (argument) last night.

He thinks he's being encouraging and supportive - he's not.
He says it's about health - it's not otherwise how can he condone his smoking
He says he wanted to help me as he knows I am down about my weight - he is right about this but I don't think I wouldn't be half as down or half as heavy actually if he hadn't been wearing me down with his attitude and remarks.

He says he's been really down about it and worrying. Seriously if my baby weight is causing such angst to him I'd hate to see him with a real problem.

Anyway he has apologised and will not make any more remarks and will leave me to lose it if and when I'm ready.

I should be pleased but I still feel a big weight on my shoulders. It's shown up a side of him I hate and I'm still feeling so hurt that he's even been thinking that I'm too heavy and it's made him "down". It's so shallow.

Anyway we shall see how things go in the next few months but mentally I've kind of detached and I don't know ultimately if it will ever be right again.

I can see why you are still not feeling right, its a bit of a half arsed apology really isn't it and now he's sulking no doubt.

He does sound very shallow. 6 months isn't a long time when your getting used to life with your new baby, all your energy goes into looking after them not getting your body back. The weight will come off when its good and ready to.