I can't work with him (long-sorry!)

[Missionocrity]

My ex and I were in an 10 month relationship which ended in October last year after he ghosted me. At the time it was horrendous, we'd started as friends (knew each other at uni- years ago but had stayed in sporadic contact, we were never romantically involved before). I confided in him about a previous abusive relationship which I was having therapy for and although I felt no attraction to him at first we ended up getting together and things were amazing. I'd never felt this way before, he promised me the earth, told me how he would do anything for me, he'd never hurt me etc. Our mutual friends from uni all said what a nice, genuine guy he was and I let my guard down.

It starting going a bit off when he wanted to meet my DD (age 4), after about 3 months of dating. I didn't think it was right as 3 months was still quite early but when I told him this he was really sulky and off with me. We only ever saw each other when DD was with her dad (we are on good terms) but we spoke on the phone daily and had spoken about marriage and kids.

Anyway one morning in October I wake up from a text saying "sorry, can't do this anymore. Never meant to hurt you." That was it. No explanation, no apologies. Just silence. It really broke me. How could I be such an awful judge of character?! How could he treat me like this knowing about my past and what I had been through? I've heard through the grapevine he is trying again with his ex, part of me wants to believe he was single when we got together- everyone we knew mutually thought he was but to be honest I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Have I been the OW?! He told me how he fell out of love with his ex after they had kids (he has a 4yo and 8yo) and they split because she'd cheated on him.

It's taken me until now to start feeling better, my self esteem is still on existent. I haven't seen him at all since October- mysteriously he vanished into thin air (!) but this week I found out he has applied for a job in the same company I work in. Not only that, a job in my department. I can't work with him, I don't trust him and we'd have to work in a team if he got the job. There's no bloody way I even want to look at his face again. I'm not a violent person but I keep fantasising about ways to torture him (being tongue in cheek here!)

What do I do? My sister thinks I should talk to HR but I feel that will make me look childish and like I am demanding my own way. The brazen part of me thinks I should just brazen it out and if he gets teller job, learn how to live with it but there are still days when I randomly burst into tears. I feel like I was just starting to feel better and now he's somehow violating my work life.

Who is interviewing for the job, your line manager? Do you get on well with them? I'd talk to them about it. Please don't take that as proper workplace HR-sanctioned behaviour, but it's what I'd do.

I'd talk to my line manager too, if they are a decent manager they will see how unporofessional it would be to employ your ex.

This sounds all too familiar. From what you have said I'm not sure if we was still with his ex but clearly they weren't entirely "finished".

I had a situation like this. Months of speaking with an ex who I still had a connection with. He assured me he was single after breaking up with his ex. Then completely ghosted me. Found out he was back with her a few months after. Wasn't until this year I randomly came across her profile on Mumsnet and saw her posts from the time.. not only were they still together they were actually trying for another baby at the same time he was talking to me.

I pressed post before I'd finished oops!

I'd definitely speak to HR, I can't imagine being in your situation!

I would do what Buttery says. Unorthodox perhaps, but needs must. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I would be the same as you. I have actually worked with someone who I was in a relationship with who dropped me for someone else (years ago) in a cruel way. I had to face him every single day for months. It was hell. I was consumed with rage and the longing to get revenge - and that was only because he was in my face every day. He moved to another floor after a while (nothing to do with me) so he was easy to avoid and the ragey feelings died down quickly. You do right to want to not see him. The twat.

I disagree with posters saying talk to your boss, I think that's very unprofessional. And if your company doesn't employ him based solely on your opinion of him, I think that's really wrong, maybe even illegal if it was found out (I don't know employment law at all though!)
The most I'd do, is if his name is mentioned or you see him, I'd maybe say I knew him. Then if asked about him, you could say, we dated and it didn't end well.

I get you felt hurt OP, but it was 10 months. Yes he was a dick not to discuss it with you, but he didn't exactly ghost you, he text to say he couldn't do it anymore (which was him breaking up with you). Not sure on the ex business, would have been very risky of him if you have mutual friends, but who knows.

My line manger would be interviewing but as a company we always have 3 people on each interview panel. Ironically I have been promoted to a more senior position since we split so am now more involved with recruitment. I'm panicking because at what point do you say you know a person?! I wouldn't be able to be on the interview panel that's for sure- massive conflict of interest but equally I don't want to look like I'm behaving like a school girl and being bitchy. I get on really well with my manager, when ex dumped me I was a bit of a wreck and totally honest with her about why etc.

Ever it sounds like you actually had a lucky escape- makes it so hard to trust people though doesn't it?! We always expect people to treat us as they would want to be treated but it doesn't seem to work that way! I'm at a place in life where if any man now told me he had split up from his wife recently or "seperated" I'd actually want to talk to his ex and confirm it. I think we'd be amazed how "separation" and "still living in same house having relationship" appear to be the same things

Time I don't know how you managed to do that- you're a better person than me! The irony is I don't actually give a shit about him or the lies he may or may not have told me anymore but he's really bad at his job and I couldn't trust his abilities uni had to work with him. He's moved around a lot of firms since we all qualified (7 years ago now) and tends to go somewhere, stay for a year, cock up and then leave. So I'm not in all honesty sure he would even get to interview based on his CV etc. His name is already quite well known- people tend to roll their eyes and say "oh, him."

I would let them know you know him and it would be a conflict of interest to interview him. But other than that although he treated you badly, you have no influence over his job prospects and nor should you. Might sound harsh but he should have exactly the same opportunity as everyone else. If he is successful, you are both adults and would have to see if you got along or not. if you didn't then you would have to deal with it.

I know that sounds very unfair, but work place and personal life should not mix. Just because he was a shit ghosting boyfriend does not mean he won't be a good colleague or employer.

Sorry employee.

Just saw your update, so he has a bad reputation at work. Let the interviewers work that out and decide whether to take him on or not. He will I am sure have to provide references, which are a fairer reflection of how he functions in his job.

Emboo19 it depends on the type of relationship you have with your boss, I work closely with mine and I know for a fact she wouldn't want anyone's relative or spouse/ex working with them or even in the same office as them, its very unprofessional and has the potential to lead to drama.

I do think you should let them know you know him OP, and how you know him, they may not want an awkward atmosphere. Only you know what type of relationship you have with your line manager, if you feel they are approachable then you need to at least say just wanted to let you know I know this person who has an interview etc. so don't feel its right I interview them, they will most likely then ask how you know him.

I guess Glitter but it was a 10 month relationship! They weren't married with kids, he wasn't abusive, hasn't been threatening the op or anything. I'm only young so not experienced in work place politics or anything but I'd think it quite unprofessional to let a 10 month relationship effect your working environment and I'd say that says more about the op than the ex bf.