How can I make sense of this?

[AvocadoQueen]

Please can you help me make sense of this?

I met a man on Tinder, a doctor from a Gulf state working over here. He's mid 30s divorced with 2 kids. We saw each other only maybe 4 times before I ended it as I was experiencing excruciating anxiety and fear.

The thing I'm struggling with most is I cant make sense of my behaviour and I am finding this extremely frightening. I don't feel like I kept myself safe at all. It was like I became super compliant and insecure in only a few days and became completely unable to stick up for myself. Like I was frozen and couldn't breathe. He treated me like shit and I let him. I still feel like there is something toxic inside me which I can't get rid of. I feel terrified and panicky. I am frightened knowing that I did things which he manipulated me into doing while knowing it wasn't right.

Examples of his behaviour which really affected me.

• Openly show me he was ignoring me by being visible online but ignoring my messages for over a week
• Invite me over and then ignore me later when I tried to find out what time to come, and again I would be able to see he was online and ignoring. After this I said I'd had enough - he messaged me then but said he was 'conflicted' due to the fact I had found him pushy over sex the first weekend. We did have sex in the end, but it was shit and he knew I thought it was shit (I think he was angry over this and wanted to punish me). Then, this is hard to me to write - somehow he engineered the conversation round to sex and I agreed to go over to (get this) give him a blowjob the next day
• Next day he cancelled extremely last min saying I dont have good enough hygiene and he couldn't see me. I was gobsmacked by this one. He relented and I fucking went over and gave him the blowjob. WTF. Knowing I did this kills me inside. That was the last time I saw him. I went on holiday with my family then and managed to end it while I was away.

I understand how emotional abuse works and the manipulation behind it. I knew at the time that was what was happening but floundered in knowing how to deal with it as I felt completely silenced by his ignoring. What I don't understand is how it happened so quickly. I feel like I wasnt even worth him being nice to for a few weeks. I feel utterly used and worthless now but only seem to be able to blame myself as I cant understand why i didn't act to protect myself. I knew his behaviour was weird even when we first matched on Tinder - why didn't i unmatch him? I was like a moth to a flame.

Logically I'm happy and glad I ended it and that it only went on for a few weeks, but inside I feel addicted to him and keep longing for him. My brain and emotions are a mess. His behaviour was nothing like I've ever experienced before I and cant find a place to fix my thoughts in order to make sense of it. Why did I freeze and become so compliant?

You froze for a bit, but you DID have the strength and wisdom to break it off. Which is obviously a very good thing. Personally, I think seeing a therapist might help a lot. You're very confused, and worst of all, you're doubting yourself. Have you had this type of experience before in a relationship?

I personally think you need to work on your self esteem. Why would you let someone treat you this way? He sounds vile!! If someone doesn't treat you with respect and care, grab your coat and move on.

I saw a doctor on Tinder who could have been from the Gulf state - wonder if it was the same guy.

Aquamarine

Yes, earlier in the year, again same terror, fear and feeling like I was powerless. However I worked with him and when I ended it, he started chasing me so I got my 'power' back if you like. I'll never let him in again emotionally.

He also ignored me come to think of it. I've never been involved with men who ignore like this before. The sense of powerless and worthlessness it creates in me is awful. And then to think I went back for more with both men after that - I hate myself for this.

This was another relationship which started in with weird behaviour from him, which (again) I noted but carried on anyway. Why do I carry on when I KNOW their behaviour is not okay?

I've started seeing a therapist - thank you.

User

I agree. My self-esteem could be better and is totally shot now.

It's weird because I logically know all those things about being with someone who treats you well and of course agree with it. But I couldn't seem to put it into action.

I wonder! I live in Ireland though?

But you did put it into action! Bit later than ideal but you recognised the red flags and ended it.

I've let men treat me in a way at the time that I wouldn't normally. I do come to my senses eventually, just like you did.

BitOut

Thank you. Yes I did. I can't seem to get that thought or feeling to stick.

I don't feel safe in my own body now and I dont have confidence that if the Dr did come back I would be able to stay away. It's like he took my self-worth and I want to get it back from him.

I believe you are far more powerful and capable than you're giving yourself credit for. Stop obsessing about the negatives of the past and remind yourself of the great things you did, and try to recall the positive feeling of taking back control.

You need to implement some serious boundaries in future. The minute someone treats you like shit, just walk away - especially some random dickhead off tinder! Your self-esteem is going to be shot if you entertain the likes of him, he sounds like he had issues!! I'm not in Ireland so it was probably not him - strange coincidence though.