Broody after losses

[MeriWitch]

Hello
I'm new here (though I've been lurking for a long time.) I have a fantastic DS who is 3 but am no longer with the father (broke up when he was 6mo)
Sorry if this is long, I tend to ramble.
Last may I was pushed into a termination I didn't want, by my XP and my DM. I had therapy to help me with the guilt but it didn't do much good.
I have some MH issues, depression & anxiety, I struggle to sleep too & im currently waiting for a first appointment with a psychiatrist to see if there's anything else going on in there.
I met someone new in October 16, he seemed great. On December 29th 2016 we found out I was pregnant via the hospital after I was admitted for a severe kidney infection. 3 days later I started to miscarry, we were both completely devastated (or so I thought.) days later this man started to sleep with somebody else all while I was still going through an mc. 3 weeks later I found out (it had carried on throughout this time) and left him. I've struggled with the guilt of the termination and the MC every day since.
I had a very close friend hold me through my miscarriage emotional pain after we saw eachother in February 17 after 6 months of not much contact. We've known eachother 10 years & this friendship quickly turned into a romantic relationship, and he really is wonderful. We took it slow to begin with and just recently it's moving faster and we're moving in together. He's known my DS since he was a baby so it wasn't an awkward introduction thankfully.
We've discussed children in the future and we've said around 2 years we'd discuss trying.
Now the thing is, I'm unbelievably broody. So much so it physically aches, I hate coming on my period, I struggle to look at newborns and pregnant ladies without feeling tearful.
My OH is wonderfully supportive as far as he can be, but obviously doesn't understand in a way you guys probably will.
I need advice and help on how to I suppose get round this for the next couple of years. We don't want to rush into that part of a relationship.
He is adamant he doesn't want any for a couple of years at least, whereas I would be over the moon if it happened now (but I do know that it's too soon!)
Is this just the grief/guilt/emotions talking?
I know my due date would've been September so the faster it approaches the more I seem to be struggling.
So sorry for how long this is.
Thank you for reading

Anyone?

MeriWitch sending you a hand hold . I can't really provide any advice as never been in your situation but it sounds like you have had a very rough ride. I hope your Psychiatrist appointment helps. Try to be kind to yourself.

Im sure someone who has more experience will reply to you soon. Big hug.

I lost my son halfway through my pregnancy in 2012 and every year I get exceptionally emotional close to his due date...

My first year of it I felt physically sick when I saw a baby or pregnant woman and cried my eyes out. Felt like I was being slapped everytime someone went past with a child.

I met my husband in 2015and he had a DSD and I felt like I was so broody from watching her. Her mom announced she was pregnant and I cried my eyes out cus she had got pregnant unplanned and we had tried for months, then I sat a baby shower (must of been v.early pregnant and didn't know) and cried after. And then 3 close friends announced their pregnancies and I was going crazy... but by march that year I was pregnant again and because I hadn't sorted my head out properly when I got pregnant I really couldn't enjoy any part of it just got scared he was going to go as well. Then I nearly lost him in labour, and then to sepsis when he was born and I lost the plot and ended up with PTSD and then to top it off grieved for my previous baby.

Guess what I'm trying to say is deal with this baby's loss and your emotions before even getting pregnant I know it's hard and easy for someone to say but you'll regret it if you don't it overshadows every single thing about your new baby. And I think if you had one way subconsciously you would be over compensating for the one you lost before because you haven't completely dealt with it.

Neither baby for you should make you feel guilty the first would have been bad timing and caused you a lot of heartache with your ex partner. And the last one wasn't meant to be but the next time could be a healthy baby and you will have a loving partner to support you now.

Good luck though OP

mrsmama

Thankyou so much for sharing your experience with me, and I'm sorry to hear about your son
I agree with you about having to get my head around it all first, so I don't try to 'replace' them.
It's all so so difficult and I wish I could just shake it off.
After my MC I was convinced it was karma because of the termination, which I know is no way to think.

I'm so sorry to hear of your traumatic labour & ptsd, I also had a bad time of it with my DS.
I guess it never really goes away does it? I'm glad my DP lets me talk about it and encourages me to deal with the trauma & pain of it, rather than letting it bottle up.

Thankyou for the handhold earthangel

@MeriWitch it does get easier though Hun it never leaves but does get easier ..

And yes I think sometimes we convince ourselves no one else will understand so bottle it and I dont think that helps so we are lucky to have partners who listen. :)

When I lost my son everyone kept saying "your only 18 you have your whole life ahead of you" so I sat on everything rather than open up and thought I'd forget it all but you can't..

But honestly never blame yourself for a MC or a termination... if you'd kept that first baby yes you'd have loved it and wanted it but you'd have been on your own, struggling and to worn out to enjoy it as much so don't think it all as just a negative thing because it's just one of life tests.. my advice would be come to peace with the termination and forgive yourself you did nothing wrong you put that child's needs before your own and that already makes you a good mom! Also the miscarriage was just a bad case of luck that it didn't stick around it's not karma .. it just wasn't meant to be.. I think from the sounds of you that you'll be a great mom when the time is right but let yourself heal and come to some sort of peace over the past ... keep building a solid relationship for your baby to come into when you get to the point of having one..

And your welcome I just hope telling you my story shows you there is some light at the end of the tunnel...

One more bit of advice when you start trying for a baby don't become obsessed it's harder then when it doesn't happen straight away and causes you to pull everything you do apart just let it happen naturally:) just have fun whilst trying :)

Good luck op I honestly wish you all the best and send you lots of love💕

Thankyou so much mama .
I don't for a second doubt I'm a great mum to my DS, and that I would be again, which is probably why I struggle so much with the losses.

Thankyou for your advice & story 🌸