I'm Free....kinda!

[badassbitch]

After 20 years of marriage with a controlling bully I now free. We share care of our four kids and I have been in my own beautiful space for 1 month. I'm in heaven. I get to choose how to live, without constant digs, put downs, and bossiness. It's frickin awesome.

However, I know it's all early days but I need the collective mums net wisdom and how to co-parent with a man like this. I initially tried no contact and it got ugly. Threats, turning up unannounced, stalking on fb etc, solicitors letters. I am now pretending to be 'friends' stroking his ego and it's all calmed down. If we are at loggerheads he gets very grumpy with w kids. I know I shouldn't have to placate him but if you have been where I am you will know how much of that one has to do for a peaceful life. For those who've been there what it the best strategy here? He's a good dad, the kids love and need him, but he is strict - very different from me, and does like to control them. That's all fine, different parenting style, but if he has fallen out with me or something else is stressing him he can be awfully hard to live with so I feel for my kids. What's the best way to handle
Him now?

Firstly congrats on being free! How old are the DC? Difficult to advise on co-parenting without knowing if we're talking about toddlers or teens.

7, 9, 15 and 17

Don't call it a "different parenting style" if he is controlling the kids by bullying or screaming at them. They need safeguarding, just like you do. Be careful. He can cause them damage if hasn't already.

I was in a similar spot to you a few years back OP

I found, like you, that he was fine as long as I was playing Mrs nice, e.g. still doing what he wanted, like times and days for pick up etc. I also found however, that whenever I needed to say no to something he would revert to a nasty childish bully. If I tried to put my foot down about something, like say I needed him to pick them up at half ten rather than 11, he would have a massive strop and then not pick them up. If he did get them he would be an arse to the kids. At one point he went NC with the kids for six months because I wanted to take the children away for a few days in the holidays.

The best solution is a clear plan for contact that is set in stone and drawn up and agreed by you both, or you might find he will still try and control/bully you through your dcs