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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I tried to make friends with someone and it didn't work

27 replies

shouldaknownbetter · 31/07/2017 16:40

I was recently on a friends hen do and car shared with another woman, we seemed to get on really well and had some good chats and then connected on facebook. I saw her again at the wedding and had a chat, and said hey we should meet up for a drink sometime, she seemed enthusiastic.

I was going to try and do something with our mutual friend but she's away, and I don't like to renege on my promises so I facebooked her to say hey still fancy meeting up for a drink, what about next week and she's basically ignored my message. I know she's read it because the thing tells you, plus she's been on facebook lots since then (this was about a week ago).

So.. I get it...she doesn't really want to be friends and that's fine but it's just made me feel like a bit of a fool to be honest. What did I do wrong...did I try too hard? I guess we didn't know each other all that well but I thought I'm unlikely to see her again spontaneously so I'll go for it and suggest meeting up. I think I might just go back to being shy after this......

OP posts:
mrscropley · 31/07/2017 16:43

Good for you for trying op. You may be shy but at least you aren't rude. Wouldn't have hurt her to have declined politely.

I too am shy, have no friends and wouldn't have dared do what you did!

Strawberryjam34 · 31/07/2017 17:33

Good on you! Please don't let this hold you back? Just think that ultimately you wouldn't want to be friends with someone as rude as this anyway.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 31/07/2017 17:58

Thanks... I'm just thinking maybe it came across a bit weird or desperate? Initially I was thinking to get my mate out too and then it would have been a bit more informal as the 3 of us... but logistically that wouldn't have worked with my mate being away (and also has small kids) and it would have ended up not happening. I did think about just leaving it, but didn't want to be the kind of person who says 'hey lets meet up sometime' and never follows through.

OP posts:
Bubba1234 · 31/07/2017 18:31

Well done on trying to make a friend. It's for sure not easy. She could have replied that was rude.

LesisMiserable · 31/07/2017 18:41

I think friendships need to grow organically and for me going for a drink one on one with someone I've met twice would feel a bit too intimate. I dont think she's rude, I think she just assumed you'd probably see each other next time mutual friend and you two and others got together. I suspect she feels a bit put on the spot to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2017 18:47

There is some folks like this. But fortunately not many. It's simply rude and says more about her than you. Only a complete mannerless loser would not even have rhe decency to respond. Don't take it personally. You don't went to be friends with someone like that. Don't let it change your behavuour or make you shy.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2017 18:50

Yeah don't be discouraged

She may just be super busy and intending to reply but possibly not interested. Either way you were brave and it's good to try so don't stop making effort with people.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 31/07/2017 18:51

I think you're right LesisMiserable! To be honest I'm not sure I felt that comfortable about it myself but I didn't want to suggest meeting up and then not... it's a tricky one as how are you supposed to make friends with someone if you connected but then are not likely to see them again?

I think I should probably have stuck to plan A of agreeing to go out with mutual friend and then maybe suggesting to mutual friend that she came too.

It's a shame as we car shared for four hours, and had a giggle at the wedding and it seems like I could have made a friend there... the kind of person if I did see her organically it could have grown a friendship but we move in different social circles really ( I tend to do mum stuff with mutual friend as we met at toddler group and she doesn't have kids) so I guess our social orbits are unlikely to really collide again. And if they do it will be awkward now... d'oh, live and learn!

OP posts:
JetBoyJetGirl · 31/07/2017 18:53

She might not have replied because she couldn't think of something to say and now it seems less 'urgent' so she feels less pressure to do something she is uncomfortable with.

It's not great, but don't take it personally.

pictish · 31/07/2017 19:03

Don't be discouraged. Here's the thing...this has happened to me a handful of times in 41 years. Made the connection, extended the hand, got effectively rebuffed. It happens. I think the difference is, I can shrug it off. This means I don't fear extending my hand again and usually get a positive result. I have a few friends, loads of mates and even more happy acquaintances. I just don't care if someone doesn't take to me. You can't win them all.

Good for you putting it out there. Don't be put off doing it again. Think of it as her loss and move on. x

Sassy306 · 31/07/2017 19:07

On another note...my children constantly take my phone to play games etc...facebook messages pop up and they open them and close them and 3 weeks later i notice a message that it looks like I have seen but haven't as I'm not a constant user of the private messaging so don't open it often . Could be another possibility as to why she hasn't replied

Jellysparks · 31/07/2017 19:14

I'm kind of with Lesismiserable - it feels a bit "putting on the spot" to ask someone for a 1-1 meet? ( and speaking as someone who has both done this AND been the one being asked?)

i guess my perception (rightly or wrongly) as well as perhaps other people's perception of me as the "Asker" "might" be a bit too intense and the "asker" will have expectations which I can't necessarily meet?

I don't mean this unkindly, but look at all the "she has no manners" responses or all the threads about X friend who isn't adhering to someone else's contact expectations and you understand why some people are reticent to connect at a deeper level early on, because they don't want to get into s dynamic where expectations are created too soon?

It isn't your fault op, you sound lovely and I hope you make done good connections moving forward x

guiltybystander · 31/07/2017 19:21

It is very rude not to answer someone's msgs and texts. Even bringing up some excuses and fake reasons for not meeting up is better than ignoring someone's msg.

LesisMiserable · 31/07/2017 19:28

See I dont think its rude either. We are not obliged to answer every or indeed any speculative messages we might get sent or acknowledge them at all. It would be far worse to make some shit up which would have the OP questioning the answer. Better instead to just see each other next time - organically.

LesisMiserable · 31/07/2017 19:30

And OP, I think it was nice to ask and ok for her to choose no (current) response, for whatever reason.

mctat · 31/07/2017 19:39

I agree with LesMis. I need to build up to a one on one. And would avoid if I was busy/tired.

Not saying that's the best way to be, but I can certainly empathise with the friend not jumping at the thought of meeting up, despite having most likely genuinely connected with you, OP.

justchanged · 31/07/2017 19:45

Don't take it to heart, but maybe a one on one drink was just too much too soon. Next time suggest an activity together - a movie, exercise class, a play, a musician, see an exhibition - so that there's something clear to talk about/do. E.g. I'd love to see this movie, are you interested?

I did this recently with a neighbour who I kept chatting to in the street and decided to be bold and take the plunge to know better. I. I invited her and her DH to the theatre and whilst it was nerve-wracking it worked out. So do try again - even with her as you've let her know you're interested in being friends - but next time make the initial meeting less intense.

Northernpowerhouse · 31/07/2017 19:47

The trouble with making excuses/false reasons is that the person may believe you want to meet but just can't - and will keep on asking. It then gets more and more awkward to come up with excuses so as not to hurt their feelings.

My rule of thumb is that I will ask twice and if I get excuses both times i figure this person doesn't want to be my friend so I stop.

Desmondo2016 · 31/07/2017 19:49

You sound lovely and im sure she just read it at a busy time and forgot to reply or something like that. Making up a crap excuse is one thing but it would take a real rude bitch not to reply at all and you'd probably not have felt the click with her if that was what she was like.

Mittens1969 · 31/07/2017 20:00

Here's another thing, I actually would struggle to know what to say in reply to such a suggestion. It's not like you can say, 'Sorry, this is too much too soon.' She probably doesn't feel ready to meet with you one to one but doesn't want to sound unkind.

If it was me, I'd just stick to chatting on Messenger on and off and liking each other's posts and commenting as appropriate. And leave meeting one on one until you know what your mutual interests are.

Well done for stepping out of your comfort zone though. :)

hmcAsWas · 31/07/2017 20:05

Don't let it put you off making friendly overtures to others in future. ...

As other posters have said, there could be all sorts of reasons why she hasn't replied ..and she may still reply in time..

Good on you for being proactive

ClashCityRocker · 31/07/2017 20:11

I must admit I like things to have evolved a bit more before meeting on a one to one basis. I'm horrendously socially awkward though and can never think of what to say in one on one situations!

I would have replied, though - maybe something along the lines of how busy I was at the minute, or perhaps suggested something with a group.

This probably sounds a bit defeatist but I've found that 'trying' to make friends is like 'trying' to have a good time.. For me, it either happens naturally or it just doesn't happen at all.

Don't get disheartened though op. She may just not be one for replying to messages quickly, or may have forgotten. And even if she hasn't, it's not a reflection on you.

Lweji · 31/07/2017 20:26

TBH, I wouldn't take it personally and just leave it. Act normal next time you meet.

Many people wouldn't be comfortable "meeting for drinks" with a recent acquaintance. Others would be fine.

Maybe she's just "not that into you", not that she didn't like you particularly.

YellowAardvark · 01/08/2017 04:48

I think it's really hard to move from friendly chit chat to actual friendship so you shouldn't feel bad.

I've had this recently too with a school mum so get it

OldGuard · 01/08/2017 05:12

She might have read your message on her phone whilst out and meant to respond after looking at her calendar and then completely forgot

If you want to, id ping her and say "hey I'm doing [xxxx this thing] on Friday - want to join?"

You'll either hear nothing - nothing ventured nothing gained - or you'll get "omg sorry I didn't respond earlier - yes love to"

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