Feel so mixed up, has DP been financially abusive?

[DMX]

Warning - long.
I'm not having the best time with DP at the moment.
He does little other than work, drink in his local, and sleep.
All the mental load of the family and jobs that need doing around the house are shouldered by me and the joint account.
I am part time in a professional ok paid job, DP is a high earner.
When we first moved in, all my wage went into the joint account, and half of his. His portion covered the bills, and we were left with similar amounts of spends.
Although it started to drift that ll savings would come from the joint account, and any repairs, new household items would come from there.
Then the DC came and I went down to part time.
I pushed for both wages to go to the joint account but was met with lots of excuses that are too boring to list here. Anyway, he's had promotions, wage increases but never upped the amount. When I've asked him he says he's not getting a lot left over and doesn't really look at what is going into his bank account.
To cut a long story short, I ended up doing some digging and found his wage slips, and found out he is getting around 1400 minimum a month to spend as he wishes as all his and my direct debits come from the joint account.
I Get little disposable cash as I pay all household expenses, food etc, kids activities, savings etc out of the the money I have every left over every month.
I confronted him and he pleaded ignorance, that he had no idea what was left over of the joint account, and I seemed happy enough, I said ok, but did it not occur to you when you saw me struggling some months like Christmas or birthdays etc to contribute more when you're having that amount to yourself a month.
He couldn't answer where his money was going every month, saying he spent it on food at work .
So I did some more digging and found out he's 20K in debt with chunks of 5 grand taken out last year, with nothing to show for it. No new cars etc
When I confronted him about this, again he gives very vague answers and dodges questions. I literally can't get a straight answer from him.
I've told him I want full control of all the finances and access to everything. But 2 weeks on, nothing has been brought to the table and it's gone back to usual business.
Tbh, I've stood back this past 2 weeks and not pushed as I wanted to see if he'd be proactive and not expect me to do all the chasing and prompting.
When I look around my house at all the jobs that need doing, stuff he's done half a job on and then left, piles of rubbish he's left outside for months, jobs that need money thrown at it, that I don't have because he's hogged all the disposable money and now run up debts I could cry.
My initial feeling was to make plans to end this relationship as I feel very betrayed and I'm sick of him living like a 21yr old chap who does whatever he wants and ignores the bits he doesn't. But a few friends are saying, well he didn't know you were short of money and lots of people have debt and give him a chance. Which is making me have doubts.

He needs to show you bank statements to see where all his money is going.
If he won't then I think you need to untie yourself from him.
He could have a gambling problem, which would be my first thought.
Or a drug problem maybe?
Ask him outright, his response might tell you what you need to know.
You say DP, I'm assuming you aren't married?
Do you own the house you live in together?
I'd be getting some advice from a family solicitor on this.

20k debt when you have 1400 a month clear is inexcusable.

I take it there are no new "toys" (expensive computers, other gadgets) kicking around all of a sudden? Is he taking a lot of it as cash - in which case is he gambling? Has he ever been a "recreational" (hate that term) drug user?

I know the knee jerk reaction on this site will be "look for an affair" but in this case it's reasonable to check that - the money has to be going somewhere so if it's not toys or drugs or gambling then...

He's been financially abusive and he's also spending a lot of money apparently on nothing. Until you get to the bottom of where all the money has gone, you have no idea whether the relationship might be worth saving. But it sounds like it won't be.

Yes, we jointly own the house.
But have no other joint loans credit cards etc, I've checked on credit reports.
Part of the chat a few weeks ago, I requested bank statements etc. I'm still waiting for them. I said yesterday can you show me on online banking then, and he said he's forgotten password etc and he's calling them today about it.
Then I can have access to that.
I've asked if it was gambling and he totally denies it. Not that I trust that denial though.
I think a lot of his 4 figure sum is going on overdraft charges, and on the credit cards.
But I still have no idea where the credit card money has gone. And he is getting late payment notices as I've opened a few of his letters as he never opens his mail

No new toys, no big purchases or anything , anything like that he would expect paid from the joint account.

You need to know where the £20k has gone. Bollocks has he 'forgotten.'

OP I don't want you to fret- but are you sure he isn't taking drugs?

There was a young lad who cycles around the pubs in our area dealing marijuana and cocaine. He got caught by an undercover policeman a few months ago.

That or gambling would be my initial concerns.

I know it's snooping but look through any jackets he has, his car and if you can his phone or a tablet if he has one.

You don't 'forget' where large chunks of money like that go! He is stalling and trying to avoid you finding out what he has done with the money. Could be anything: drugs, gambling, OW/prostitutes, bad investments - but you need to know about it. Keep digging!

People can just be shit with money. My XH was -- wasting huge amounts of money on stupid food shopping, random crap at service stations, never shopping around for anything. The big difference was that he was willing to learn and be open and honest. We paid off his 30k loan (out of his salary, but with me doing the budgeting and helping him get his spending under control) then kept saving and bought a house with a decent deposit. If your DP won't engage then you have a real problem. Clearly he can't manage his money (best case scenario) and you need to step in. I don't mean to alarm you but this can affect your own liability and credit rating too.

My DP use to fritter money when we were first together as well OP. He would have £300 odd in his wallet and I would question why.

When we moved in together I sat him down and told him if he was serious about our relationship he would need to tell me why as my mind was going to all sorts of places and I couldn't help him unless he told me.

With him it was just a case of he was spending it on shit and drinking but if your DH won't tell you it's because he has something to hide.

YY to stupid costs like overdraft charges and credit card payments. They REALLY rack up. Check if he has PPI too or anything. You could get entitled to a rebate but there is a time limit. Was horrified /delighted that XH ended up getting 6k back! Goes to show...

My feeling is may have gone on gambling, and he's also a big drinker.
Reading what the responses are confirms my first instinct which is to leave the relationship.
I don't think I can ever forgive him keeping most of the disposable cash from our family no matter what it's been spent on - drugs, gambling, women. And as for the credit cards etc, I don't even know where to start.
Looking back I could kick myself I didn't insist on a totally joint account

That'snot good OP, I'm sorry.

He is being financially abusive, but more than that, he is lying to you and hiding something very very big.

My first thought is definitely drugs and/or gambling.

5k chunks to pay dealers or pay off debts.

It would make sense, especially if he might be the type to play "billy big balls" with his mates, and might be dishing out the gear to them as well.
Coke is fucking expensive, and it's easy to spend hundreds in one night.

I have seen blokes who are regulars in pubs I've worked at, rock up after work at 2ish in the afternoon, blow hundreds on rounds of drinks, and they were definitely on the gear all that time, probably at work as well.

I worked out that in one day a group of 5 work mates would burn through £200+ in drinks and god knows how much on coke, I reckon at least £400.

Fuck knows where they got the money from.

I'm so sorry op.

If he won't be honest with you I don't know what to suggest except, obviously, LTB.

Is he ever likely to be honest?

He doesn't sound like a very nice man tbh.

I'd suspect drugs. Especially if he's in the pub all the time. Does he struggle to get up in the morning? Permanent cold? Grumpy? Falling asleep at random times? Check his phone to see if there's any suspicious texts, check his wallet, check the glovebox in his car.

It is financial abuse to keep one half of the couple, and your kids short while you have £££, absolutely.
Did you not know what he was getting paid though? You must have known he was a lot better off than you every month? I think women often fall into paying for kids/birthdays/Christmas though.
I would end this relationship, you cannot trust him at all.

But first get a really good solicitor. And by good I mean a rottweiler. Take him to the fucking cleaners, show no mercy.

After all he didn't give a shit when he was depriving his family.

When we first moved in, all my wage went into the joint account, and half of his. His portion covered the bills, and we were left with similar amounts of spends.

Maybe I'm just in need of caffeine, but how could you ever have been left with similar spending money with this setup?

Dixie- he told me we had the same amount left over every month when we went through the bills etc initially. This was going back about maybe over 10 years ago I think, so can't remember the exact process.
Ifnot- I didn't see any payslips and thought he was getting a lot less than what he has been getting.
He's always been very vague about what he earns, and never gave me a figure so I could work it out. He was always very insistant that what he put in the joint account was a big chunk of his wage and he used to say he was always skint.
I trusted him, coupled with the general full on family life I never stopped to think about it really, I probably sleepwalked into the entire thing.

Could I still go to a solicitors even though we are not married??

You should go anyway yes.
Some will do a free half hour.
It may be they can't really do much but best to know for sure.
It's actually good you didn't have totally joint money.
And even better than you aren't married but do own the house together.
How much equity is in the house?
Are you absolutely sure he hasn't re-mortgaged?

In hope you get to the bottom of it. That is massive amounts of money to forget about spending.

Am sure as I can be hellsbells- it would come up on the credit report and I've had a recent letter from mortgage company stating all the particulars and payments made.
Equity would be in the range of about £40000.
I'll make an appointment with a solicitor, I'd rather get it from the horses mouth, although I've been reading stuff online.
Not sure how he'll feel about leaving, and not sure if the house will be protected as a family home until the children are 18. But even if we have to rent for a few years, it's better than being pissed on and it being called rain.

I was in similar situation 6 years ago. . . When I found out his actual income and how much I had been struggling - like you with dc (not his though) and borrowing from family to pay bills, I threw him out and filed for divorce. .
No going back form that deceit for me personally. .

Sorry to hear that mrscropley, it feels like a kick in the stomach doesn't it.
All the comments of 'well you'll have to save for that from the joint account' when talking about house repairs etc. Or shelling out for solicitors fees, house moves while moving house, or buying all furniture and being absolutely skint while they are sat on 4 figures makes my heart harden.
How was he after you separated, did he quibble about child maintenance, contact etc??

Sorry just read properly that kids were from a previous relationship.