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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Young girl - possible abuse.

21 replies

Almost13 · 31/07/2017 09:58

This is long so I apologise.

My ex and I have been split up for a couple of years now, we get on fine, he has contact with our child at my home every weekend, with me there, because he has no where else to take him, he has been sofa surfing since he split up with his last girlfriend.

His last girlfriend was 16 when they started seeing each other, he had known her all his life. She is a very vulnerable girl who had been and still was under the care of social services. His sister (exSIL) worked with the girl previously as she works in a care role and warned him when he started seeing her that she had a history of making false sexual abuse allegations against the staff where she lived.
They had a very volatile relationship and on one occasion she contacted me to tell me that he had cheated on me with her. When she was 13 years old. She told me a family occasion that I hadn't been at when the rape (because although that's not what she called it, that's what it is) took place.
He denies it ever happened.
Now she has since made other allegations which are definitely not true, she rang his employer saying he was using his work van to do drug runs. She tells everyone he was having an affair with me (definitely not) so she lacks credibility.
However when we were together he did look at teen porn. When I questioned this he said they were all 18/19 so not like it was illegal. it has always stuck in my mind though especially since he started seeing a 16 year old.

Anyway I will get to the point. He is now seeing a new girlfriend, it has been a matter of weeks and he has pretty much moved in with her, he works away most of the week but has been staying at hers whenever she he is home.
The thing is, this woman has 4 daughters, the eldest of which is almost 13.
Now I really don't want to believe that he is some kind of child abuser but what his ex has said is making me really uneasy and now he has moved in with a vulnerable single mum with easy access to a teenage girl.

Am I being hysterical or making a mountain out of a molehill? Do I do anything? What? keep out of it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Almost13 · 31/07/2017 10:03

Sorry - don't want to drip feed. I was abused by my step dad when I was a teenager so I don't know if that could be colouring my view.

Ex is late twenties, new partner is early 30s.

OP posts:

Onecutefox · 31/07/2017 10:06

He does sound dodgy. Not sure what I would do in your place.

Onecutefox · 31/07/2017 10:08

Almost, sorry to hear about the abuse when you were a teenager.

Thinkingofausername1 · 31/07/2017 12:39

I had a friend who wouldn't date because she wanted to protect her children
Sorry to hear what you have been through.

HarmlessChap · 31/07/2017 12:44

Sorry to hear that you were a victim of abuse and I can totally see the dilemma.

I don't think that you can take anything the vulnerable 16 year old has said with any level of confidence that it's true.

Nor do I think you have any significant grounds to suggest that, despite clearly finding young women attractive, he would escalate that to the level of grooming his GFs daughter.

Original poster

Almost13 · 31/07/2017 13:26

I really don't think he would do that but then I never thought that he would have slept with a 13 year old. I am not saying he did because as I have said she is not exactly known for being honest.

I just didn't want to sweep it under the carpet but I know my own experience is probably clouding the issue for me.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 31/07/2017 15:58

Is it likely that you will speak to his new partner at any time? EG is it likely at some point that you might want to discuss him having your DC at her place? If so, I'd casually drop into the conversation something like you being glad that he's with someone with kids of their own who understands about parenting, after all his last GF was only 16 and couldn't understand contact days etc.

However if she's in his social circle anyway and is aware of his last GF being so young, I don't think there's anything you could or should do.

His SiL's warning about the ex GF's history of false allegations would carry more weight with me (presuming you have heard this direct from SiL) than a troubled teen who contacted you presumably during one of their frequent fall-outs.

I'm also an abuse survivor so I do understand your concern. But I don't think you have any duty, or even any right, to basically tell his new partner "Oh BTW make sure my ex isn't perving on your DD."

lifeinthecountry · 31/07/2017 16:17

I do think his current GF needs to know about his history, if she doesn't already. (As others have suggested, if she already knows about his background, then fair enough, although I'd then be questioning her judgement, tbh.) I really don't like the idea of him being in a house with four young girls.

His relationship with a vulnerable 16 year old who he has known his whole life (even if everything else she has said is untrue) suggests he has very poor judgement and a problem with appropriate boundaries. The fact that everyone seems to dismiss everything she says makes her a perfect victim. Only two people know the truth about their relationship. Add to that the teenage porn.

His current GF at least needs to be made aware. Better safe than sorry, surely.

Desmondo2016 · 31/07/2017 16:20

I'm presuming you have ensured the possible sexual contact with the 13 year old has been reported to the proper agencies?

Original poster

Almost13 · 31/07/2017 16:39

The new GF knows that the ex was 16, I don't think she knows about the allegation of the sex when she was 13 though.

Desmondo the girl is now 18, she was 16 when they got together and they lasted about 18 month on and off making her just turned 18 now, I assume if she wants to make her allegations official that she is quite capable of doing so.

Yes I heard about the other false allegations from SIL before any were made about Ex, when they were still in the honeymoon phase and all was rosy. She told me she was worried and why.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 31/07/2017 19:37

If she doesn't make any allegations you are sat on information that could help protect other children. If nothing else make an anonymous report to the nspcc with concerns for the new girlfriends kids and include all the information about everyone involved that you have. You've done your bit then. We all have a duty to safeguard children .

Offred · 31/07/2017 20:02

I don't think it is you who needs to make anything out of it TBH. I think you need to report the concerns to the NSPCC/SS/police and let them investigate. It would be very wrong if you to think you need to make any kind of determination about whether this is true or not before you report it.

You shouldn't need to be involved. This is his mess.

I do think you should treat what xSIL said with caution - it is rather worrying that when her brother started dating such a vulnerable child he first thought was to warn ppl she is a liar!

There is definitely something going on with a child who is in care who is gravitating towards grown men like this and making numerous reports of sexual abuse and I would think even if the other reports have been false it is much more than possible that what is behind it is that your Xh really did abuse her when she was under 16.

Offred · 31/07/2017 20:03

It is highly likely that someone has TBH.

MyrtleKrebsbach · 31/07/2017 23:11

I'm sorry - but what is a 20 something year old man doing with a 16 year old child? Inappropriate at best. It is irrelevant whether I'm an abuse survivor or not. I've never posted on here before, but the thought that you would let a 13 year old girl into the life of someone who thinks that someone only a couple of years older is ok to have a 'relationship' with has somehow changed that. Please do the right thing and notify the authorities - as Offred says, you can do this anonymously. It's too late once its happened. Every grown man I have ever met has shown no interest in young girls, apart from the man who abused me as a child.

Iris65 · 31/07/2017 23:15

I was 17 and got involved (via a lot of pressure from my mother) with a man twice my age. I wish someone had protected me.
I would definately contact the NSPCC and Social Services and share your concerns.

Offred · 31/07/2017 23:19

My neighbour has recently been arrested for sexually abusing my friend's daughter who is 13 over a period of months. He is 31, he has admitted to believing they were in a relationship which is as good as admitted to the sexual behaviour. It does happen and there are adult men who genuinely believe that this is ok. Don't take the risk, don't investigate it yourself, just tell the authorities. She disclosed to me and I called the police straight away, sat with her for the video statement as her mum was too upset. It was horrendous and sickening. You know that he has had an inappropriate relationship with this vulnerable girl already. You don't need to think about whether it is true or not, you just need to report it and let the proper authorities investigate.

Original poster

Almost13 · 01/08/2017 09:05

Thanks for the replies, sorry I didn't come back yesterday, got caught up with the kids. I will talk it over with NSPCC and leave it in their hands.

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newdaylight · 01/08/2017 09:12

I think they will need to speak to this 18yo girl as well do you'll need to give them don't information.

It sounds strange that he had such a young girlfriend and clearly finds younger women attractive and then had started going out with someone one so has 4 daughters. It's a lot of conjecture at the moment though so hopefully nothing in it I guess!

ChicRock · 01/08/2017 09:25

Your ex and his SIL sound like a vile disgusting pair...

SIL knows her adult brother has targeted a vulnerable young teenager under the care of social services to start a "relationship" with. and her first thought is to go round tattling that the girl makes false abuse allegations . In the SIL's position she should have been flagging the relationship up to her SS/safeguarding team - not fucking spreading nasty gossip.

Report them both, SIL shouldn't be working with anyone vulnerable, she should be bloody sacked, and he shouldn't be anywhere near underage and/or vulnerable teen girls.

picklemepopcorn · 01/08/2017 09:35

I agree that ex SIL should have warned her brother off a vulnerable person she works with, and reported their relationship as inappropriate.

Original poster

Almost13 · 01/08/2017 10:11

ExSil did warn her brother off, that's how it came out that she had made the allegations previously, SIL telling Ex that he is an idiot and when it all goes wrong she will do the same to him as she had done previously. I agree though she should have flagged it up. The girl was living in a care home, well her own home but with a support worker to visit her and budget for her etc, she still has a social worker I think.

OP posts:

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