was this affair abuse

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this is the only thing in my life that plays on my mind. the only real guilt if you understand.
I was 16 and part of a tennis club. one of the instructors started paying me attention... he was 32. married with a kid.
I was being hit by my then boyfriend so it felt like he was saving me. I knew it was wrong but I tried to keep him.
this affair went on until I was 26. I eventually moved 200 miles away to get away from him. he never even hit me but he used to make me had sex even if I wasn't really in the mood. he would also cast up tiny thing again and again like how a man at the bar touched my back and how I just smiled and said it was ok rather than ignore/slap him.

he used to say if I left him it would be for a stupid young boy my own age who wouldn't be good enough for me.
I did get away eventually as my mental health wasn't good around him and I left all my family and friends behind to start new. but he still phoned. he phoned once after two years and I vomited.

I have a lovely husband now and two lovely kids but I can't stop feeling guilty.
when he told his wife he spent ages going back and forth... I didn't feel sorry at the time but I'm hoping now she's happy with a better man.
so I guess I'm asking was I in the wrong. or was it abusive. I look at my husband now and think if he went with a 16year old how that is just a child.... but I didn't feel like a child then. I still have bad dreams of it.

I would say you were abused as a teen and groomed by this person to be further manipulated and abused by him. He saw your innate vulnerability (your life at that time was not great either) and went onto totally abuse your trust as well as abusing his position in authority as a tennis coach.

You may want to speak to NAPAC as they could help you move further forward with your feelings of guilt from this time (which are totally misplaced). He is and has always been the sole one in the wrong here. It was not your fault this happened to you.

Yes, he "groomed" you and was abusive.

He was twice your age and a married father, who targeted a vulnerable girl so young she was barely over the age of consent. He manipulated you, bullied you and raped you whilst making you question your role in normal social interactions.

I have no idea whether you have anything to feel guilty about, maybe you said or did things across that decade that you can't feel proud about, but whatever small things those might be, he was a million times worse and I think it's time you forgave yourself and consigned him to history.

My xh had an affair and I do hate the ow, but even I would not have blamed you in the circumstances you describe.

I'm sorry, I was addressing the guilt you feel about his wife.

I agree you were groomed and in an abusive relationship for which you were completely blameless.

You were groomed. Even if you did have a crush or thought it was a good idea at the time, it's not your fault. Lots of girls have crushes on older men but it's up to the adult to realise it's just that and not to target them.

I'd of had his balls off if you'd been my daughter,and he'd done that...YES you were a child.he took advantage..nasty little man...you are well rid of him

thank you. I cried reading some of that. I don't believe it was rape as someone said as he was never violent... he would just keep on and on till I gave in. but yes its something I'm still struggling with. I often feel I don't deserve my nice caring husband.

I don't believe it was rape as someone said as he was never violent... he would just keep on and on till I gave in

Oh OP, that is rape... I have been through very similar with an abusive bastard of an ex who would just badger me over and over until I finally "let him" and would lie there silently crying under him.

Have you ever had any counselling? I think you would really benefit from talking through your feelings and confusion about the past, with someone who is not connected to the situation.

Op there is rape - the criminal offence held to legal standards and then there is rape - the violation.

For everyone who has been violated and abused the crucial issue is believing their truth, coming to terms with what it means and integrating the trauma.

I your case I would certainly think that you have valid reasons for believing that this behaviour was criminal as you were 16, he was twice your age and in a position of responsibility but I don't think that really matters as I suspect reporting him to the police is not high up your priorities.

As far as the violation side, yes it was abusive, yes you were groomed and no, he doesn't need to have been physically violent to have raped or abused you.

Still having bad dreams now could be a sign you have PTSD.

Recognising it for what it was - a predator who groomed and sexually abused you for a decade when you were young and vulnerable, that's the start of healing IME.

I have been through very similar with an abusive bastard of an ex who would just badger me over and over until I finally "let him" and would lie there silently crying under him
pocketsaviour. Been there, endured that.

OP, you've reached the stage in your life when you can look at this rather than pushing it down. Get some counselling.