was this affair abuse

[Weebitty]

this is the only thing in my life that plays on my mind. the only real guilt if you understand.
I was 16 and part of a tennis club. one of the instructors started paying me attention... he was 32. married with a kid.
I was being hit by my then boyfriend so it felt like he was saving me. I knew it was wrong but I tried to keep him.
this affair went on until I was 26. I eventually moved 200 miles away to get away from him. he never even hit me but he used to make me had sex even if I wasn't really in the mood. he would also cast up tiny thing again and again like how a man at the bar touched my back and how I just smiled and said it was ok rather than ignore/slap him.

he used to say if I left him it would be for a stupid young boy my own age who wouldn't be good enough for me.
I did get away eventually as my mental health wasn't good around him and I left all my family and friends behind to start new. but he still phoned. he phoned once after two years and I vomited.

I have a lovely husband now and two lovely kids but I can't stop feeling guilty.
when he told his wife he spent ages going back and forth... I didn't feel sorry at the time but I'm hoping now she's happy with a better man.
so I guess I'm asking was I in the wrong. or was it abusive. I look at my husband now and think if he went with a 16year old how that is just a child.... but I didn't feel like a child then. I still have bad dreams of it.

Weebitty that 'relationship' definitely sounds very abusive. Goodness, you have been through a lot. Any guilt is his. Counselling or therapy might help you clarify what went on and help you cope with it, so you can leave any feelings of guilt behind.

Weebitty No blame to you, you may have felt grownup, but you were just a child, he was old enough to be your father. He took advantage of a vulnerable kid from a position of authority.

Have you thought of trying a few sessions of therapy? It might help you to unravel what he did to you and give you peace.

Would it help you if you reported it to the police, this was abuse of power, just because you were 16 doesn't make it legal.

This man is a predator, I'll bet he's had other victims, and will have more.

thank you both. I wouldn't report it as I can't dredge it all up... my husband doesnt know. well not all of it. tbh I'm ashamed as I'm sure at the start i found it thrilling and I was sure i loved him. I see now that the age thing aside he was a classic emotional abuser... always my mental health being questioned. casting up tiny misdemeanors In arguments years later etc. I'm just thankful I'm free now. but yes it does prey on me.

I think a lot of 16-year-olds would find it thrilling and flattering at first. Especially coming from a violent relationship - you were extra vulnerable.
You can have therapy focussed on how you feel now, ie thoughts of the past preying on you, without necessarily dredging up the details of what happened. (First place to ask would be your GP.)
Have you read anything from the Freedom Program? It might be reassuring to see what 'type' he was, and how common it is to be manipulated by these predatory men.
Also, be very kind to yourself. You encountered (at least) two abusive men at a very young age, but you have survived, and created your own life. That is amazing. Put the guilt down, it's not yours to carry.