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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't feel I can depend on my parents, and I think I see parental figures elsewhere...

2 replies

user1499590110 · 30/07/2017 20:16

Are anyone else's parents nice but don't really get your life and you don't feel you can depend on them? (i have a sister and she has a better relationship with them, but i think that is based on childhood and issues i had between me and her)

Few examples:

I lived with an ex in early twenties and it turned sour - one night we had a huge row and I wanted to leave the flat, so I took my stuff, went to my car and called my parents saying i waned to come home - they were hugely against it, they didn't want me to come back, thought i should work it out (despite crying down the phone about the argument - he had slept with someone).

I had no privacy at home. there was no lock on the bathroom door and my parents would walk in at any point even if i was in the bath. it makes me not want to stay at their house now. i don;t think they would still do that, but privacy is a problem.

Another occasion when I was doing a masters at uni, (I had paid the fees myself through saving but struggled with living costs), I called my mum asking for money for food and they gave me 10 quid to last two weeks. they told all and sundry about my achievements though, so they were happy to take part in that bit!

Recently, I had a terrible week at work and when talking to my mum one evening on the phone, she said i sounded unhappy, at which point i burst into tears. about 3 minutes later she said she had to go because her and my dad were watching Breaking Bad.

My last birthday - we met for lunch, they insisted on picking me up which was lovely - we had lunch, straight afterwards my dad drive's me and my mum to a huge shopping centre so my mum can do some clothes shopping as 'she never gets chance,' which meant i missed the dinner i had planned with friends. their reason was they had driven all that way they didnt want to miss the shops..

I won;t go into the things that happened as a child as I am trying to forget that, life;s too short etc, but generally speaking they are nice people - I've just never felt like i can depend on them at all emotionally. everything is a bit of a battle and about making a point. they;re not hugely well off, but they do ok, they own 5 homes (with mortgages as far as i know), and they are often planning their next trip together. i think that's nice and i am happy for them, but they dont seem to want to invest any time or emotion into my life. i seem to gravitate towards older colleagues at work and in hobbies - i really want friendship of mums and dads - i know that is weird as im over 30 - but i seem to crave that sort of relationship. my paretns werent crap parents by any means, but i really feel i lack that emotional bond and it makes me sad that i seek it elsewhere.

not sure why im posting - i posted already today so im just making the most of sunday MNetting! (and there's always fab advice and experiences shared!).

OP posts:
cheesytwistsarentthey · 30/07/2017 23:55

Could have written your post.

I had similar parents. They never, ever, even as a very small child, attempted to understand my emotions or feelings. I never felt emotionally safe with them and still don't, even though they make me feel like the classic parent-child relationship is my obligation towards them now and will talk my ear off about their own problems.

I also gravitate towards mother and father figures but it more often than not backfires as many people don't have enough energy to "mother" someone else. Having DC was a real shocker as I realised I had bypassed that part of my life where I could be properly mothered.

It is an attachment problem. Look up attachment disorder. I have had attachment therapy and it has helped me to some extent.

user1499590110 · 01/08/2017 19:57

i've looked up attachment disorder - made for sad reading!

my parents are lovely and like to give the impression to the outside world that they are fully there for me, but it just doesnt feel like that. they never seem to have time.

OP posts:
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