Divorce or stay? Please help.

[KipperTie]

Hi,
I feel like this is going to be a very long intro sigh. I'm 36, no kids, been with DH since 2003. Basically, a financial trauma has caused me to put a microscope on our relationship and I now am totally confused about how to go forward.
About 2 years ago, I discovered through opening post that he had bought £16000 of shares on a credit card without telling me and had acted as guarantor for a £5000 loan for a woman I'd never heard of. I went absolutely mad but after talking we agreed a plan for him to pay off the card and his other personal debts (which he has also always been cagey about). Last November I started opening post left on the table and discovered that the debt is now at £35000 and there was evidence of £600 gambling on a credit card in a single month. He denied being an addict etc. I asked him to tell his parents so that I could get some support in helping him but he refused (I told my parents the previous time and was ashamed to tell them again). Every time I brought the subject up, he shut it down or pretended he didn't know what I was talking about. Recently I einkles out of him that he didn't tell me in order to protect me, and that he felt stressed when I had some problems at work, implying that was why he gambled?
So, I've been very unhappy about that and started mulling over other things in the relationship. Before the money we got on well, had a laugh etc and were physically affectionate, but our sex life was pretty poor. We averaged once every 2-3 months for the last 10 years and I've only orgasmed twice since we've been together. We didn't even have sex on our 3 week honeymoon in 2008, which at the time made me unhappy but I didn't know what to do. I've tried reading books to get tips, and bought toys etc. I always inititate and afterwards suggest we should do it more often. He agrees but then no change. I think we were never that sexual even when we first met but I'd had a lot of issues with sex in the past so didn't think that it was that big an issue if the companionship was great. Another part of the problem is that he was a virgin when we met and I just feel too inhibited to talk openly with him about the issues. I've asked him loads if he's happy with the situation, and again just feel like he shuts me down. I had thyroid problems for about 7 years and that repressed my sex drive, but since being treated over the last two years my drive has come back and it's more of a problem. In that two years, I've started thinking about kids, but the thought makes me irrationally scared; it's like the final hurdle. Basically, I think I've now got to the point where he's my companion but not a lover. Of the few times we've had sex in the last year, I ended up crying at the end of two of them - I'm not sure why, I just felt so overcome with emotion. At the time I wondered if it might have been an emotional orgasm or something; now I wonder if it wasn't just loneliness etc bubbling up.
And to make things worse, I changed jobs at the end of October and around April time my boss, who I get on with great and had become friends with, admitted that he felt that he was in love with me. He had been married for 22 years but separated amicably at the beginning of April, apparently the final straw being meeting me. I have feelings for him too as we have quite similar personalities/outlooks on life and there is definite sexual chemistry.
I am so confused and can't understand how my life has suddenly turned into a Jerry Springer episode. I'm trying to work out what to do about my marriage but it's hard to be objective when another party has some influence on my feelings. DH and I are currently in joint counselling but I'm just not sure that our problems can be fixed at this point, or to some extent, that I want them to be. I don't want another 30 years of a sexless marriage and maybe would like to have kids. Is it unreasonable to leave for the reasons I've listed, or is it selfish to stay because I'm scared of change or not meeting someone better? Any advice would be welcome but please be gentle as I'm at the end of my tether...a cave in Tibet is looking very attractive right now

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I don't think you should stay in your marriage and definitely don't have children with him. I can't see that that would make you happier.

You have the debt/gambling issue, the unknown woman and rubbish sex.

Taking the new man out of it or even with him in the picture, I think you should call it a day.

I would not stay with your gambler of a H and this new man who has shown an interest in you is not a good bet either. He I think sees an opportunity and you are very vulnerable currently and thus ripe to be further exploited.

It is certainly not unreasonable to leave for the reasons you have listed; the debt and gambling issues themselves are dealbreakers in their own right. Your H has never been honest in this relationship.

You already know what you want to do, you're just afraid to make the decision without reassurance, which is natural. There is great societal pressures on women to make all of our relationships work. I don't think any marriage has to be "bad enough" to leave. If it's not working now, it hasn't been working in the past, you don't see it working in the future, why would you stay? Life is too short to be miserable. Base your decisions on what you want for your future, not on your fears, and you will be happy.

My heart goes out to you. It really doesn't sound as though you are happy in your relationship. There are so many red flags. I have to say the gambling and debts would have had me out of the door , quite apart from the sex life issues. He isnt; the right man for you, face up to it and end it. Find someone who really makes you happy. xx

I really feel for you. Obviously it goes without saying that this has to be your decision. But you asked for advice....I can honestly say you should leave him. Thank god you don't have children with him. People who are out of control with finances like this create so much pain. He cannot be trusted. Make the break. You deserve happiness. You deserve a better life. Good luck xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The situation is just horrible; I'm currently at risk of redundancy too - never rains but it pours, ha! 2017 has been crap.

I think I am coming to terms with having to leave; husband just doesn't seem to get it at all. In one of our rare convos the other week, he said (and I quote) "if we end up splitting up because of the money, that's quite sad after all I've done for you." Agreed he does half the housework and gives me lifts etc. but does that make it OK to deceive about the money?! The woman he guarantored for was a random at work apparently - I don't get why she asked him, but believe he is that clueless that there was no ulterior motive on his part. I just thought he would learn from that (and the shares) and recognise that money is not something to take lightly. The thing is, even if we sort that out, the sex issues will remain and I am not sure he/we can change in that regard.

Re: the other man...definitely not thinking of jumping from frying pan...we have become close friends so I genuinely don't think he is preying on my vulnerability - he has stated that his behaviour is totally unprofessional and that he is shocked and surprised at himself for behaving inappropriately with a colleague (was with his ex for 21 years, although she is amicable with the split apparently and gives him advice on how to cope with current circumstances; she suggested my husband might be secretly gay ). Thanks to restructuring he will no longer be my boss in a couple of months so that is good at least.

I think if I leave I will need some time alone to process things and get myself back to normal before contemplating starting anything new. :(