Jumping off the dating merry-go-round! What is the key to being alone and content?

[MrsDaveGr0hl]

Hi,

38, 2 DH (14 & 16)

Just bombed out of another short term OLD disaster with no warning and explanations of being too nice and deserve much better. Which is an improvement on being ghosted I guess.

Truth is I am stuck in limbo between liking being single and wanting a relationship. If I'm honest, relationships scare me and I am terrible at them. I have no idea what is right and wrong but they never work and I end up getting hurt. Day to day I am happy being single and only really miss sex on a regular basis but I would like to get to a point where I no longer need that too as it complicates life. Relationship wise, I think it is society pressures that make me think I wont happy if I don't settle down

Does anyone have any tips for being happily single and celibate long term? I have a great career and two DH but not they are teenagers they need me less. I have a fairly full life so not needing hobbies etc just tips on how to manage it psychologically. Definitely can't go back to dating anymore!

Please help me get my head straight x

Write down all of the things you enjoy about being single and remind yourself of these things when you're feeling down. Really, there are benefits and disadvantages to being single and being in a relationship, so it all comes down to perspective. I'm married and often times wish I were single, but I know if I were single, I would want to be married LOL

Do you want to be alone or are you just fed up with being bombed out? The dating game is horrible, particularly when you're nearing your 40's and older. I dated for three years between splitting with a long term partner and settling down again. In that time I met and dated a fair few, some revolting characters and some who just weren't right. I always knew I didn't want to be single but I did have to rest from the dating game a for a few months at a time. Perhaps that's all you need, a break from it. Sorry I haven't given you the advice you asked for, just my experience. Good luck.

I have decided to have a little break for the same reasons. Maybe a little break might help? In the mean time I feel there are a few things I need to work on for myself and I am hoping to find new things I enjoy doing too. I know exactly how you feel OP. Just turned 40 with 3 Dc's and I feel like Im exhausted by the whole dating thing. It should be fun surely. When its not, STOP! For a little while anyway :)

I feel pretty much the same. I think I want to be with someone but dating has been a disaster. Most of the time I enjoy being single but miss the sex and intamicy. Most men I date I just can't imagine being in a lng term relationship with. I wish I could feel happy just being single.

Why do you want to be celibate?

"If I'm honest, relationships scare me and I am terrible at them. I have no idea what is right and wrong but they never work and I end up getting hurt".

Why do relationships scare you and why are you so terrible at them?. Why have you chosen presumably so badly?.

I would try and determine though counselling exactly how you got to this point. Look properly at all the stuff that you have learnt about relationships along the way and start unlearning any damaging rubbish. It may well be that your own relationship template is warped and that this all started in your childhood as well (your dad is a huge influence here re future relationships). What did you learn about relationships when growing up is a question that needs serious consideration.

Love your own self for a change and work on you further regarding boundaries in relationships as well.

I think I am messed up and I am going to have some counselling but I don't really know where I go wrong. Everything seems fine one day and then the next it's all over!

I want to be celibate because I have tried to establish friends with benefits type situations in the past and they have always got complicated.

I think ultimately, even when I am not that into the guy, such as the case with the last one, I always end up feeling like there is something wrong with me (and that my friends are lying when they say there isn't) or that I'm not good enough.

It's just a horrible game, dating at this age x

If you have poor self esteem in the first place, it can destroy you. It's a game for toughies and those that aren't will struggle. I was never tough enough for it but I got lucky. There are a few nice ones out there, it's just sifting them out of the crap.

Recognise that there will always be times when you don't want to be single. As well as the hopefully lots of times you enjoy it. So be kind to yourself.

Cultivate good relationships with friends and family as far as it is in your power to do so.

That's all I've got so far, but I'm five years in and currently enjoying it.

Being single can be great!

You have freedom but need to be happy being alone and feel motivated to do things, take care of yourself and yours and find the fun and happiness of little things

I guess I've been single for most of 16 years with a few short dating things. I'm not cut out for friends with benefits but no sex is easier with time I'm trying dating now but omg it's time consuming and confusing and a good long walk is better for the soul

Not a very coherent response sorry

I stayed single for 3 years after I finally managed to break up with my abusive ex. Didn't want to be with another guy after him as I just didn't trust any and frankly I wasn't even attracted to any. I decided to just focus on myself and be happy by myself.

Best thing I did really. Became more confident, much happier, and I'm with someone now who makes me even happier. Don't give up on finding someone else, learn to be happy by yourself and the right person will or won't come along. Doesn't matter if they don't though.

Agree with the PP above, that it's about becoming happier in yourself (I know that sounds a bit cliched, but I do think it is the key).

I have apent a lot of time since the end of my last relationship (over two years ago) reflecting on my life and relationships, and having some counselling. This has all helped me to reach the conclusion that I probably don't want another relationship again. I have spent many years being kind and considerate and giving much time and emotion to relationships, with very little to show for it. I've worked hard at relationships because I thought I 'should' (sunk costs fallacy).

Now, I don't think I 'should' and I'm focussing on me, my friends and family and living a good life. If someone wonderful comes along to enhance that life, great. But I'm not anticipating they will. I'm also not cut out for a FWB situation and can't at the moment even envisage sleeping with someone again. The idea of not having to do all the dating and related drama feels like a relief and an empowerment.

I think what we're not allowed to do often enough is simply not to be looking.

I'd love to think I could reach a point where I am single and do not seek out a partner. I have managed longish periods of celibacy before so will aim for that again. I guess I need to work on myself and on a few aspects of my life for a bit and then see where I am after that. I'm just not cut out for FWB either. But I don't really have a lot of stuff in my life that is comforting for me so I do find it hard to not want sex c

Try being single in your 50s... It's a shallow pond to fish in.
But, I've grown to love being single. The key factors are feeling OK about yourself and having good friends, preferably also single but a range is good.

Oh and a dog. Dogs are ace on so many levels

Funnily enough, I think a dog would make me very happy but my daughter won't let me have one 🙄

Lots of friends and interests is key. My sister lost her husband 9 yrs ago and has been single and celibate ever since. She is happy with her life but does have dogs!

I'm a similar age, 13 year relationship with my DDs dad and some crappy short stuff afterwards. I won't argue that sometimes I feel very lonely, but have my two dogs, they get me out to chat to nice dog people. I love my autonomy. My daughter also hated the idea of a dog, but she loves them to bits, you could always offer to foster a rescue to give it a go and see if she likes it? My big sticking point with relationships is do I want to share my house with the person...the answer is always no!!

Yeah I've pretty much given up. The constant disappointment is a bit soul destroying. So, my tip for being happily single and celibate = new hobbies, throwing myself into exercise and setting challenges such as running a half marathon etc and invest in good quality sex toys. This website has a brilliant returns policy :www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/

If you don't like your purchase send it back - within 365days of purchase and you can have a full refund.

Good luck

It's lovely to hear that people are managing to achieve what I want. And lots of good tips on how to get there.

If I'm honest, I don't want a long term relationship, I couldn't see myself living with anyone but I think I need to work on my self esteem so that I don't think it's because I'm not good enough rather than being a lifestyle choice.

I have quite a robust life, I have my kids, I am very career driven and I have lots of friends. My family lean on me a lot so I am working to set some boundaries there so I can carve out the life I want.