Crushing on another man, ugh

[YGrasshopper]

Hello,
I am new poster here but have been reading the threads for a while. I'm in a tough situation and I don't know who to talk to about it. I'll give you a little back story. I'm American and married with 3 girls ages, 12, 11 and 10. My husband and I married a little young, I was 23, he was 25, and started I became pregnant with our first daughter when I was 24. We had all 3 kids in less then 3 years so the first 5-10 years of our marriage was pretty crazy. Since that time I have developed migraines, that have become chronic (daily). I manage them pretty well with meds and a nap everyday at 3 pm, but still, I am in pain most of the time. My husband has not been the most understanding or empathetic person about this over the last few years, until we started counseling a few months ago. Him and his family would act annoyed with me, and their were frequent remarks, sighs, or eye rolls when I had to bow out of things or wasn't able to help at get togethers due to the pain and fatigue of these head-splitting migraines. He has hid money twice and I discovered it both times, the last one being $3,000 he was hiding in an account with his mother. He admitted it was so he could leave me if he needed to because our marriage wasn't doing well (He makes over $100,000, I make $38,000 a year.....). Since I've discovered the accounts, he has put the money into our joint account, he has apologized in counseling, and so have his parents. The problem is he broke trust and I still feel hurt. I still hate his parents as I feel very betrayed.

On top of all of this, I started a hobby that I am very passionate about 2 years ago, improvisational comedy. It has been a life saver for me in developing confidence and close friends. The problem is that 6 months into it I started crushing on our funniest performer, a guy a few years younger then me, let's call him Jason, who's live in girlfriend also performs/helps run the improv group. I took last summer off to focus on our marriage, to move into a new home, and to try and get over this crush. It didn't work : ( I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual with this crush and myself, but it's weird. Sometimes he acts like he likes me, other times not at all, but it doesn't really matter, because I really just want to stop liking him! It's so HARD though because he's the funniest person I've ever met (and I have a thing for funny guys) and I'm struggling still in my feelings for my husband. I love my husband to death, am very attracted to him (he is incredibly handsome, much more so then Jason) but I can't stop thinking about Jason. I think Jason is struggling too. His girlfriend is a controlling B that no one in our group likes which doesn't help the matter.

My question is, how do I get over this guy, and will I ever???? It's been a year and a half now that I've had a crush, which is way too long. There are times when my husband and I are getting on better, that I hardly think of Jason, but then we'll start to drift apart, or he does something jerky that reminds me of his past lying/passive aggressive behavior, and I'm right back to fantasizing about Jason again. What do I do? I don't even know if there is a solution. I keep thinking I'll stop crushing on him at some point but dang, one and a half years?? And I REALLY can not stop doing improv, it has been a lifesaver and this is the only real improv group in our town. I can't tell my husband either, I tested the waters once and told him I had a crush on a guy in our group. He was furious, but then I told him the guy had moved away, because I knew where this was going. He would have said I had to stop doing improv. I just know him. sigh Any ideas or advice from others who have been in this boat before?

The only way you will stop this crush is to stop seeing Jason completely and cut him out of your life. Anything less will not work. I speak from bitter experience, years and years ago now and it took at least 3 years to stop thinking of him even after i'd cut him out of my life. It's not easy. Good luck.

Jason is a symptom and not a solution - he's young, hot, a performer so he has a certain charisma. He's also got a girlfriend. It's massively complicated. A few years younger is another alarm bell - he's not going to want to take on a family, classically these crushes on younger guys, even if he comes on to you in return fizzle put when he decides he prefers someone younger than him. It feel like you are setting yourself up for a fall if you use Jason as a catalyst for a breakup. Jason doesn't sound like boyfriend material. My brother is an actor and I spend a lot of time around performers because of him. Quite a few are funny, good looking and flirty. Jason sounds like he has qualities you are missing in yourself - but from what you said he also sounds immature. What exactly is the age difference?

Funny isn't a good indicator of relationship material - it's a superficial quality that we girls put big store in when we should be looking deeper. You've not said anything about his other qualities - kindness, compassion, gentleness etc. Sounds like you've not been able to forgive your partner - it's not your fault you've been ill and it must have felt like a terrible betrayal. But you also said he and his parents apologised in counselling. Do you still love him, are you still attracted to him? Is there potential in rescuing the marriage? What were his reasons for thinking he would have to leave?

I'm 37 and he's 32, so not a ton younger, but he's never been married and he has no kids, so even if I did leave or divorce my husband, he probably wouldn't want to be with me. I pretty much know he's not a good option, but knowing it wouldn't work out in my head, isn't extinguishing the fire in my heart. He is actually very kind though. Does a lot of fund raising for the cancer center here and is one of the nicest improv instructor's we have. He is not out-going, actually he is one of the most introverted people I've ever met, he doesn't say much. He is flirty though, sporadically, and I use to catch him staring at me all the time, though now that has lessened. So you think I like him because I want to be funnier? That may be the case.

AvocadoBathroom, he wanted to leave because he didn't feel loving towards me anymore, and he blamed me for all his unhappiness. While I have been pursuing a hobby, and found a good job, he was wallowing in self-pity. Anything and everything that wasn't going right in his life was my fault. The counselor helped him to see that he is in charge of his own happiness, and that he can't blame me for everything that doesn't go right in his life. We're doing better in our relationship, and if it wasn't for Jason we would probably be ok with getting back on track. I do still love my husband and find him attractive. The thing is trust is hard to repair, even in the best of circumstances, and my mother was physically abusive. It's hard for me to trust anyone as it is.

Sounds really really challenging on all sides. You might have to cut the improv out for now, at least if you want to save the marriage. Do you want to save the marriage? There must be other classes you would enjoy in your town, even if they aren't improv?

The crush is a side issue and, if pursued, would just cause huge pain for nothing.

You say your H was unsympathetic about your chronic migraine and let you down in other ways for years, and that the counselling is new. So it's early days with respect to whether your relationship with your H will recover.

Also you haven't done anything wrong, you are human and the fact that your H has been unsupportive in the past and allowed his family to bully you has taken down your self esteem. Like Loopy says the crush is a side issue. The age gap doesn't sound as bad as some of the age gaps I've seen with friends this kind of thing has happened to, so yes there is potential for a relationship there IF you both were clear of your partners. I suppose the problem is what happens next. You don't sound the type that would want to have an affair, you don't know for sure if J fancies you. You don't want to give up the improv - understandably as it gives you confidence.You could keep going and decide to cut off your feelings for J or just give yourself permission to enjoy it as a crush and not anything more, or you give yourself a couple of terms break from it, join a yoga class or something a bit different and work on the relationship with H. You've been through a hard time with your health as well, so a lot of this is about taking a day at a time. A friend of mine in a long term marriage says that whenever he meets anyone he feels attracted to - he actively looks for the reasons why it would be a bad idea and focuses on that. So instead of "his girlfriend is a B and he is struggling" - it become "he has a girlfriend. He's not available." Easier said than done I know :/