Aggressive and out of control

[rambleon123]

Hi,
I've been married just over a year. I love my DH dearly. When times are good, it's brilliant. We can laugh all day long, spending all our free time together. But when we argue.. it's bad. I find he doesn't listen to me, never admits fault in anything, and always blames me for everything that we argue about in our relationship saying I'm the one that starts the arguments about petty little things. I get very frustrated and angry that he's blaming me and not listening to my point of view. I've recently started to become aggressive. slamming doors, throwing stuff etc. I can see it getting worse and I don't know what to do but I feel such so angry upset and frustrated.

Any advice? I recognise I need help, although I may not admit it out loud and in real life but I'm scared as to how this could escalate in the future

You do need help. What are the arguments about? Your behaviour is unacceptable.

You could seek professional help for your anger.

Is there a specific thing you keep arguing about?

Stupid thing is we argue about the petty things - the things that shouldn't even matter. The things that if one us just let it do it wouldn't even be that big of a deal. I think I am gonna seek help, I'm scared it's gonna get to a point which we won't be able to come back from and I don't want that for DH. At the moment it's slamming doors and throwing loo roll across the room, not even at him, just at the wall but I just feel like it will escalate. DH thinks I don't need to see anyone and the argument can resolved by both of us apologising but I have this fear.

Where is the anger coming from? Is it something that you are projecting from behaviour witnessed in your childhood or is it of the 'red mist'. variety where the anger appears from nowhere in response to a situation that's usually 'fight or flight'?
Understanding the triggers for your anger has to be a priority. Try keeping a daily diary of your feelings then look back at what you've written a week from now. Hopefully, it should give you some answers.

Ok.
You say he doesn't listen, finds fault in everything and never takes the blame for anything.
Do you find yourself in arguments that you tried to avoid?
Do you spend time trying to anticipate his moods then somehow end up upsetting him despite your best efforts ?
It sounds to me like he is manipulating you.

This happened to me, I thought I had some sort of anger problem, but turns out I was with an abusive arsehole and he was actually pushing my buttons until I lost it, so then he could stand back and say 'see, look at you, you're crazy'. It went away when I left him, and has never ever happened since.

I would be at your level of anger too if you are not listened to and blamed for everything. I don't see this as entirely your fault OP.

I feel like it's a sort of red mist that comes over me. My first response to anything has now become anger and I hate that. I get so angry and frustrated and really so feel so much hatred for DH.
DH isn't a bad guy, he's just reacting to me being angry. We bicker, neither of us wants to admit we're in the wrong so we defend our positions. I get more and more worked up because I know I'm right and DH is so stubborn he thinks he has to be right all the time and I think that's how it starts...

I think you should read Crypto's post very carefully. You say your DH won't take responsibility for anything, so everything is your fault? Yeah, right.

You both need to communicate better and let petty things go. It's not worth it.

All to often people want to prove their point, so they go on and on, until they actually loose sight of the issue in a bid to prove that their right.

It won't get you anywhere. I also have a DH who always thinks he's right. It's bloody annoying tbh. It can be something almost irrelevant like which actor was in a film or what year a major event happened... He always thinks he is right.

So now I just Google it and send him the link to show I was right... I couldn't do that before the Internet, so I just used to let him carry on and walk away or keep absolutely quiet.

I've realised that's who he is. His family members know that he'd argue black is white and he's also what I call 'wrong and strong'

Now... My older self just laughs about it... With the kids, who just say that "Oh Daddy" and shake their heads.

If he argued aggressively I wouldn't tolerate it, but I just let the petty irrelevant things go.

If I'm getting angry, I leave the room and say I've got something to do. I think he realises that arguing by yourself is pointless.

Google covert narcissism OP

your DP never admits blame and always says it's your fault for everything? Sounds like a red flag to me.

Society makes us feel bad for being angry but here I think your anger is telling you something

Why do you want to continue a relationship with someone who never accepts blame and puts everything on to you, that is nasty and soul destroying so don't be too hard on yourself although your behaviour is no better, maybe you'd both be better off apart.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a man that blamed me for everything, I'd have no respect for him.

I'd be looking to separate. Anger is inevitable sometimes in life but if it's a regular visitor in your home then you're not working well as a couple.

Exactly what SandyY2K said.. that feels like my life! My DH is seriously an awesome person. He doesn't do it intentionally, our arguments get out of control without either of us realising. And where he can take a step back, reflect and apologise, I get angry that we're in that situation once again.

This post was more for me, I realise I have an issue. That kind of anger isn't normal, i would be ashamed to tell anyone IRL the horrible things I say to him when angry.

OP, that's a bit sad to read, please don't take on role of martyr, it can't always be your fault, you can't be a team or a partner ship with someone who blames you for everything; I don't think you're taking on the advice here.

Yes, your anger is also an issue but it's not coming from nowhere, it's not a nice trait to be a person that never accepts blame, I think you need to take off those rose tinted specs,

May not do it on purpose but if he accepted some form of blame then the arguement wouldn't escalate and you wouldn't be getting as angry and then lashing out ect.

If you want it to work go to couple counselling people like him need a mediator. Trust me I know mine was and is sometimes still like it... but I can get a better response if I haven't lost it... but then not loosing it is hard

Thanks for the replies.. it's kind of comforting to realise it's not all me. I've been beating myself up about it for ages, but I guess it does take two. Altho I still think my level of anger isn't justified at all and if this was the other way round, I have the opinion, it would very quickly be classed as DV.

Researching counselling online and trying to find someone as we speak.