Relationship going down the pan - step advice really needed!

[GoingtotheZooZooZoo]

I'm not sure if this posts belongs in here or step-parenting. There's been a lot of talk recently on stepping so i'm sorry to join that bus, I guess it's that time of year with school holidays.

I'm new to posting (although I've lurked for a while) so I apologise for any mumsnetting faux pas. I'll try and not drip-feed.

My story is straight forward, there's no huge back story. I met DP just over two years ago. We fell head over heels. He has two children both teenagers. One about to fly the nest (almost) and one early teen. They live with their mum most of the time and although things aren't perfect between DP and his almost ex-wife, they are polite and courteous to each other. I live with DP and we have his children every other weekend plus a couple of nights in the week where we don't have them at the weekend. Both DP and I work in stressful, busy jobs and 12 hour days are the norm for both of us.

I consider myself a good person (I hope), I try to help others in every situation I possibly can. I'm a good friend, daughter, sister, auntie, colleague. I find saying no very difficult and often put others before myself.

I have a nice relationship with DPs children, we get on well, I treat them with kindness and respect and DP and I split the cost of their weekends with us equally so we can all do nice things and eat good food, etc. This is how I feel it should be. I don't love them unconditionally, I find some of the things they do as teenagers incredibly difficult to deal with but I chose to be with their father so I must put up with it.

So the problem is DP has taken up a hobby which takes up A LOT of his spare time. He says he needs it to distress away from work. This means on "our" weekend he is quite often not around. I am now becoming irrationally precious about our time together and it is destroying what was a very loving, caring relationship. It is of course impacting on the time with the children as he protects this time away from his hobby which in turn is making me resent this time with the children. I have never resented them before but it's getting worse.

I know it's wrong, please don't flame me and call me vile, I'm asking for help on how to deal with this.

Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling?

Yes what have you said to him and how did he respond?

Why would you be vile when it's not you they has upset the status quo?

You need to focus your resentment on the hobby, not the time with the dc.

Your dp has to prioritise your relationship over the hobby. Think what time with him you need to keep you happy, whether it's a date night or sitting down together for the evening meal or whatever, and tell him you need this.

Yes it's interesting your resentment has centred on the kids and not the hobby/DP's obvious preference for it over time with you.

Why do I get the strong feeling that you struggle to get properly angry with DP?

Do you perceive DP as a "catch" that you should be grateful for? What are your arguments usually like - how good is DP at admitting he is wrong or apologizing?

Often folk will get angry or resentful of things/people who are "safe targets", rather than the person they should actually be focused on. I'm wondering if this is what's happening here.

You are allowed to be put out and cross that your partner is spending less time with you. Equally, your partner is allowed to want to spend less time with you. He may refuse to reduce hobby time, or agree to and make an effort short term and then relapse. In which case you should leave the relationship.

It's actually got nothing to do with the children at all.

Your frustration at his children is misplaced. My guess is your dp is past the new relationship stage (2 years always seems like a period of time when true behaviour emerge) and has decided he doesn't have to invest more time with you.

Try and talk to him as his responses to you will show if he's prepared to hear and respond to your needs.

The adage apllies here "Where you spend your time shows what you care about"

His children are important to him but you will need to work out if he puts himself and his needs above the relationship/you on a constant basis.

It's fine to prioritise yourself and everyone needs downtime it's just how he handles the issue when you raise it and if he's prepared to compromise.

Crikey, @afterthestorm that sounds like my ex!

This sounds exactly like my situation, even down to the teenagers! The hobby is all he wants to do and talk about, he's just on his way back from a five day trip!! It was always something he played but it didn't seem to be quite so important when we were first dating. We're 2.5 years into what is otherwise a lovely relationship with a great bloke who'll do anything for anyone. Any advice @afterthestorm I suppose the ex in your post is the telling part!

Haha golf!! Yes that's it!

Intrigue, but sadly not, he's driving back from St Andrews as we speak after a trip that probably mostly involved drinking and some golf. There are probably a lot of golf widows out there.

Thanks @Afterthestorm I hope you're much happier now.

I wonder if angry confrontation when challenged on said sport were part of your experience too?

Thank you @Afterthestorm I'm not sure he will snap out of it, it's probably more a situation I'll have to like or lump. Men come with compromises as we all know, it's just a case of how much I'm prepared to compromise and if what is left is worth it.

Sounds like he's reverting back to his 'married' role....

i.e parenting is shared on the time he has them so he doesn't need to put that much effort in.
He thinks the time you spend together with the dc is good enough.

My suggestion would be that you take a step back, leave him to organise food/activities/washing/cleaning etc for his dc
Leave him to have 'quality time' with just his dc

Let him feel the impact of you not 'slotting into his schedule'.

2 years in and you're expected to 'like or lump it'?

Doesn't sound like a man who's head over heels for you.

You have accommodated him into your life as much as possible and he hasn't returned the favour. This man has shown you where his priorities lie, it's up to you wether you go along with it (I wouldn't) but don't hang around for him to spontaneously become different.