I'm not entirely sure that I've posted in the right section here so apologies if I have and apologies in advance if I offend anyone with the title of my thread. I know that in comparison to so many people, I should be grateful for the life I have. But I feel like I'm drowning.
I have two children, a 5 year old boy and a nearly 1 year old boy. My 5 year old, for the most part, is a very sweet and well behaved child. My 1 year old is the polar opposite. It's not his fault, he has multiple health problems which results in him being miserable for most of the day, never sleeping and being incredibly clingy. I can't put him down or even leave his line of vision for a couple of seconds without him going completely ballistic. Because he is so unsettled and clingy, volunteers to help give me a break so that I can do anything (other than carry him around) are short on the ground. I try desperately to get on top of cleaning and washing and general household chores, but it is all mounting up around me and making me feel utterly depressed. I know it sounds silly, but I feel a real sense of embarrassment and shame and this is all added to when people turn up at the house at short notice and I can see them casting a critical eye. My mother is one of the worst and just says 'well I managed to keep on top of everything when I had children and didn't get any help'. And of course, she's right. It shouldn't be so hard, but the screaming, the sleep deprivation and the constant need to carry a miserable baby around all day, is zapping all my energy and motivation.
To make matters worse, my husband does very little to help. In his mind, he does loads, but in reality, he's absent- emotionally and physically. Well, physically in the sense of actually parenting, he is, however, in the house but spends most of the day sitting on his computer in his study. Room is a real issue in our house but he still insists on having the study for his computer, leaving the house looking constantly cluttered. If I ask for help he is snappy and usually flies off the handle, which then always results in an arguement with him calling me a 'ct, arle, bitch or any other expletive that takes his fancy that day- in front of the children. He refuses to leave the house when I try and approach the subject of going our separate ways as he says it's his house and I should go. The mortgage is in both our names with me paying the lions share. He honestly believes I should find alternative accommodation with the two children. He sleeps in at the weekends and then goes straight to his study. He does cook, so he's not entirely useless, and when he wants to be, he can be a loving father, but he does act like a bachelor a lot of the time and I find this frustrating and exhausting. I often take the children out for the day and when I return home, he hasn't even picked up the towels from the bathroom floor or put toys away. He's just sat on his PC for 8 plus hours- or sometimes gone back to bed.
As awful as it sounds, things have become infinitely harder since having our second child, and I now regret the decision to have more. I know many people have multiple children and cope perfectly well, but I'm not a good cooper, clearly. And our second son, unfortunately, has a very miserable disposition. But it's probably a product of the environment, although I do my best to feign happiness for the children, but I'm probably doing a terrible job.
Anyway, sorry for going on, just feels good to get it off my chest. Now back to trying to clean the bathroom with a baby strapped to me!