FLM-all becoming a reality now leaving an EA marriage. May I ask for some help?

[OmniwhoreDun]

Doing this completely on the downlow.

I've NC because I'm so close now and paranoid that my H will find out my plans

I have posted many times during my rocky marriage and I've gotten such brilliant advice. I hope I won't be judged too harshly. I made plans to go in the January just gone but a legal matter complicated things. A couple of months previously I went to see a solicitor and got some preliminary advice and left my marriage certificate with them with a view to filling out some paperwork nearer the time.

I'm so mentally and physically drained from the last few years that I'm stalling. I've literally frozen knowing that I now have a countdown. I have NOBODY in RL that I've been able to tell of my plans as I had planned similar 4 years ago and the person I trusted blabbed to my husband

I haven't even told my family because they love him and I know they will try to help and things will be disastrous for me like they were before.

Ok -sorry for the long backstory.

I do not know what to write for the reasons for unreasonable behaviour. I can barely string a sentence together. I've done a little research and this tells me that you can only include things that have happened in the last 6 months.

A small selection of the crap I've been through.

Our marriage goes through cycles. Cycles of my husband working away for long spells, never contacting me, being an absent parent (sleeping all weekends) to being present, very thoughtful- buying my flowers and perfume and lavishing the children with gifts to being found out being unfaithful-me withdrawing affection, kicking him out-him being remorseful, trying again

I am SAHM and supporting him for ten years to get to where he is -very successful in his field. I have physically single handedly raised our children including one who has special needs.

Over the course of our marriage he has

Stood by whilst his family systematically bullied and psychologically damaged me (including them threatening to take my children from me for being an unfit mother)

Made enquiries to see a prostituee for anal sex (I found the email to the prostitute when looking for house stuff
This caused me to miscarry our second child

When he came with me for the scan it was detected that there was no heartbeat -which he later used to minimise what I went through saying that "there was always going to be a miscarriage)

Been caught out using chat room and receiving sexts/porn photos

Been inappropriate with work colleagues wives (I have seen and made copies of e mails)

Created social media accounts that have had photos of woman draped all over him (which he made private when I saw them)

He has literally cut me out of his life but expects to be fully immersed in mine- he leeches onto my friends over takes the friendship entirely -makes himself indispensable to them then turns on me.

He does this usually by demeaning me in front of them and saying horrible things, usually when everyone has had a drink or two- lately he has done in in front on my children - last summer he said (when I mentioned that my friends husband and I had a hometown in common "oh yes she had to make money somehow to get her through uni" implying I whored my way through uni

He has a social media presence where everything is wonderful and he is a loving father, philanthropist and action man- reality is he's a cunt, misogynist, pays women for sex and does nothing but sleep whilst I'm at home keeping everything going.

He works then comes home and does fuck all but sleep

He sent photos of my child to a woman last year on whatsapp that he'd met and discussed me and in conversation they laughed that I had the life of Riley and that if there were no children he would not be with me.

After I insisted that he have an STI test he then refused to have a vasectomy or use condoms for sex. I have refused to sleep with him (been 6 months now)

I have to stress that the background to all this I won't go into but I have only stayed because my children (in particular one DC) would have been extremely vulnerable in the hands of my H and his fucked up family-but I can only take this so far and I'm at breaking point. I know I've had enough because all those nights spent crying knowing he's wooing other woman have gone. I pray that some idiot falls for his lines so that I can be free-there's nothing anymore

My parents are back in this country at the end of October and I plan to tell them immediately of my plans and to beg them to stay a month to help me with practical things whilst I leave the omnifucking shambles of a marriage. I will just tell them I'm asking for a divorce and serve him papers whilst they are here.

In the first instance could anyone help me prepare my written statement for reasons I'm divorcing him. I cannot do it without sounds like a crazed harpy.

Thank you for getting this far.

Anyone?

what country are you in? because in the UK you don't need to give reasons, you divorce by agreement after 2 years separation or 5 years without agreement.

The solicitor recommended I go for unreasonable behaviour.

I also feel like this is the only time I'll get my say.

I really feel for you, that sounds horrendous. Id start by factually listing anything that has happened in the last 6 months. Definitely include the lack of parenting and sleeping all through weekends plus any unfaithfulness that has happened in the last 6 months.

I think you're right to go for unreasonable behaviour. I've been separated 4 years so went for 2 years separation and my ex now refuses to sign the papers and there's nothing I can do except refile for unreasonable behaviour (including extra expense) or wait for the 5 years.

Raspberry if things don't pan out with the ladies he is chasing and if I get on with my life that's exactly what I think my H will do. He's not going to be happy that his beard and cushy life has been taken away.

My concern if he's completely locked down everything. Locked me out of his social media, fingerprint locked both of his phones. I have no grounds. He's been on "Project repair then creep back into old ways" mode. I however recognise the signs and he couldn't be faithful if he life depended upon it.

I want a clean break. As clean as is possible.

It sounds awful but you might be best to go for 2 years with agreement. Or 5 without.

I would also highly recommend counselling for yourself xxx

I've already started counselling. The first experience was awful- the bloody therapist started crying

I won't go for the 2 years . That will be hell.

Part of your initial post would be valid things to put in your statement. It helps if you can also add in dates - keep a diary somewhere he can't access if thats possible - because when he finds out you want to leave his behaviour is likely to escalate and this will give you further examples of unreasonable behaviour.
It's easier for other people to understand if you can put things in date order and also if you are able to take out all the emotion. [you can do this later if you are typing on a laptop]

Cannot risk keeping a diary
May I can email myself something from a new account.

He has access to a lot of my tech stuff as he sets it up but no access to my phone. I also had access to all banking stuff until last year he needed a private account for his expenses- so he claimed.

Only phone records.

Rizlet

I think part of the problem is im really struggling with the emotional side of things and not able to get my head around writing anything -

Not being able to share is hell. At least this is an outlet.

Thanks for listening.

It is easy to divorce in the UK as England is the divorce capital of the world. People from all over to world come to London to divorce, mainly women as they know they will get a good deal. England has earned a reputation as “the divorce capital of the world” after a series of huge pay-outs to spouses who have travelled to the UK to bring their cases to court. A Nigerian woman, Sikirat Agbaje managed to increase her settlement to £275,000, almost 10 times the original settlement awarded to her in a Nigerian court, after bringing her case to the High Court in London.Tthe English courts’ emphasis on equality in settlements had fuelled the growing number of wives travelling to the UK to seek divorces from their husbands. Another factor credited with encouraging foreign-born spouses to seek divorce settlements in London is the fact that English courts have the discretion to decide on a case-by-case basis whether prenuptial agreements are binding.

Ghanchi im uk born and live here.

Omni - is your phone completely protected? Might you be able to hide a diary somewhere safe indoors? It only needs to be paper with dates and a brief outline of what he said or did. It is a struggle when men are like this and I can see that you have worked hard to get to this point and are continuing to do so in order to arrange your escape. You sound like you are really thinking things through.

Have you considered speaking to womens aid - for some RL support? Even if that's just talking about how you feel?

Keep posting on here too if it helps.

Riz- phone is safe

I have a counsellor now she is brillaint and just about keeping me sane.

OmniwhoreDun you may have a counsellor but additional help is available here :

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.ncdv.org.uk/

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

Do the right thing for yourself

Hi Omni.
I divorced my husband last year on unreasonable behaviour.
I asked him to come to counselling with me, he went twice then said it was pointless. The counsellor was where I said I wanted to divorce him.
My solicitor used the reason that he'd refused to attend to try to discuss our marriage as a reason.
Would this work for you?

Omni - for you, it's a horrible time. I'm in divorce process myself and my solicitor wrote my initial statement after interviewing me. I could barely think straight at the time so that really helped. I've read lots of threads on MN and a few good books incl Lundy Bancroft to help get my head back together. It slowly is but it all takes time to process and figure things out and recover. Be kind to yourself and keep posting if it helps

I cant offer advice but a decent solicitor will tell you exactly what to use if you want to divorce on those grounds--what I can say is you deserve a bloody medal that you arent currently being done for murder.

Thank you yetmore

It's only the half of it.

Thanks, that made me smile.