Is DH not pulling weight or am I expecting too much? Opinions please!

[slightlyfrazzled35]

Because I really don't know. All I know is I'm sitting here feeling really pissed off...

We got a puppy a week ago. Mutual decision. DH has never had puppy before, but I explained clearly that they are hard work, need endless attention, that we would both need to chip in etc. He was in agreement.

Fast forward a week and I have been the one up and sitting with puppy every single morning while DH snoozes in bed. I'm not a good sleeper and tend to wake around 6.30am whether I need to be
up or not. DH could (and frequently does!) sleep for England.

We both work, although I do less hours that DH. I do community outreach work very locally. Lots of freedom to come back for pup etc.

DH was on 10am starts last week so not as if he had to be up and rush out. I would just appreciate one morning where he offered to sit with pup so I could go back to bed to chill. Fat chance

I also left him puppy sitting her for four hours yesterday and came back to dirty dishes in sink, washing still left on kitchen counter. Bugger all done basically.

We're ttc atm after I had an early miscarriage last month. I've heard a puppy is a good indicator of parenthood. In which case I'm more than a bit concerned!

Am I asking too much?

Hi yes he's clearly not pulling his weight at home re housework chores. Re the puppy- was it a joint decision and did you talk about sharing the responsibilites. When you have a child it's going to be harder. You need to set some boundaries about responsibilities with him otherwise you will be doing everything. Good luck

Have you said to him - "I'd like to go back to bed, it's your turn?" Or is it just you're waiting for him to offer? If the latter, stop being passive and ask him to step up. If he won't or backslides into not doing anything, then yeah, reconsider ttc.

It was a totally a joint decision and I expressly told him how much hard work a puppy is. Luckily she's quite an easy pup and a delight to have around. It would just be nice if I wasn't the one sitting with her ever morning because DH sleepy times are apparently sacrosanct

He usually does wash dishes eventually, but usually at around more midnight. I hate dirty dishes left all day in the sink, which I tell him repeatedly to no avail.

Just feeling very sorry for myself I guess. I had an operation last week, and that combined with miscarriage last month has left me feeling really emotional right now.

My DH was also very keen to adopt a rescue dog and made all the right noises beforehand about how we would share the responsibility equally but the reality turned out to be very disappointing (him, not the dog!). He would sleep through all night wakes, would forget meal times if not reminded and if left to his own devices would not participate at all in any walks, vet visits, or decisions to be made about her health and care. It used to make me absolutely livid as I felt I had been misled into imagining we would share things equally, so now I just tell him what he needs to do and although he sometimes has a whinge or will say "I was just about to do it anyway" he does actually do it. When she wakes in the middle of the night and needs letting out I am the lighter sleeper so I tend to hear her first but I refuse to do all the night wakes so I literally elbow him until he wakes up and ask him to go and let her out. Ditto at weekends I tell him he needs to walk the dog as I do it every other day of the week and if he shows any reluctance I kick up quite a fuss and make it very clear that he needs to pitch in until he does it. I sympathise because it's no fun having to ask your partner to do his share but I learned a long time ago if you don't ask you don't get, so these days I'm very direct about my expectations. Sadly we are not at the point where he does it out of his own initiative but we are getting there. FWIT it also made me see him in a different light as it is a good insight as to how someone will coparent with you and I would be much more wary of bringing a child into the world with my DH now as I can see I would be the only one doing any of the work. That might sound like a really depressing, negative thing to say but the reality is he and I have always been on the fence about children anyway and our marriage is generally very, very strong so at this stage in our life that's not a deal breaker. If I wake up one day and desperately want kids I'll have to do some serious thinking, however I acknowledge there is still time for him to change and perhaps as he learns to be more proactive with the dog it will be a good learning experience, who knows. Sounds like you are in a similar position so I'm afraid I can't offer much reassurance other than to say be direct and tell him what you expect him to do, even if it means kicking him in the shins at 5am until he wakes up and goes downstairs to see the dog! Your time and your needs are just as important as his and by doing everything you are subconsciously indicating that your needs are less important so I'm afraid you will have to be really strong and forthright and ask him to do things until he falls into the habit of doing them himself. Neither you or the puppy should miss out just because he's not yet taking the initiative to pull his own weight. Good luck x

Just so you know slightly frazzled your not alone. We got a puppy 5yrs ago. Very same story in that dh had never had a dog and really wanted to get one now he had his own place. I didn't want one as knew the hassle and how much work they are. But I gave in. The dog is now 5 and I feed and exercise him every day. If it was left up for dh the pup wouldnt be alive I'd say and if he was he'd have a pretty miserable existence. In that time we've also had 2 kids. To be fair dh works longer hours than me so I do most of the things with the kids. I can leave them with him if I want to go anywhere though and he is well capable of looking after them but is very slow to do things off his own back. I'm happy to do most of the things most of the time but sometimes it does pee me off. But the kids are getting easier now as they are getting bigger but we did have some massive arguments when they were smaller. Just some food for thought for you.

Yeah, force him to agree on a split of responsibilities. Ask him to suggest a plan that seems equal (harder for him to huff about the plan if he has made it - write it down as he says it, point out any inequality) Split the days down the middle, if you are doing more popping back in the day, he does more in the mornings or evenings. Do the same for chores. Don't pick up his slack, otherwise it will continue that way. And don't take respinsibility for the mental load of organising it all - put some of it back to him.

You need to be more explicit. The last thing DH and I do on weekend nights is decide who is getting up with the dog the next morning. If you're waiting for him to volunteer, you'll wait for ever.

Sounds like dogs and DHs not pulling their weight is a bit of a reoccurring theme

I tried speaking to him about it this afternoon and he said he'd be perfectly happy to get up with puppy if I wake him up in the morning. He says I do everything myself and then it's done before he get the chance!

Also tried to speak to him about housework etc, but tbh I feel he's being very dismissive of my feelings atm. If I hear him tell me once more this week that something I'm unhappy about doesn't matter then I might scream! Then he apologise, but ten minutes later he's telling me it doesn't matter again.

Honestly get sick of being told he can't see what needs doing in the house. He'll do stuff if I tell him it needs doing, but Jesus Christ, why does everything have to be delegated from me?

Off to read my copy of Wifework again and quietly fume...

Sorry for dreadful grammar there. Can you tell I'm furious?

Me and dh set the schedule for the dog. In turns during the night and early mornings.

But we already had 2 kids and dh had pulled his weight there as well .

I rehomed our pup in similar circumstances. Killed the relationship anyway, realised the micro to macro
impacts

I'll rehome DH before puppy jayho

Sorry to hear that was the outcome for you. I'm hopeful it won't come to that in our case.

I've gone out for the afternoon and left him on puppy duty. He can learn the hard way!

Why are you getting up and sitting with the dog? Is it not allowed in the bedroom?

We got a dog knowing it would have the full run of the house, it sleeps on our bedroom floor and comes on the bed in the morning. No 'getting up and sitting at 6.30' - hell that stopped once the kids grew out of CBeebies!!!!

She's only nine weeks old BabsGaboush She sleeps in a crate in our room. She wakes early to be out to go to the toilet and then she wants to play.

She can't just be left to have run of the house yet. She's not house trained and it would be dangerous for her. She's only a tiny baby!

Oh yes OP they are wonderful at making it sound like you're expecting too much. I frequently used to hear "I'll take her for a quick walk around the block and then she can wear herself out playing in the garden" (erm, no, our breed needs at least 1-1.5 hours proper walk outdoors across fields AND THEN playtime on top otherwise she's a ball of energy for the rest of the day and guess who has to deal with it) or "she's fine she'll come back when she's tired" (his reaction to the sight of our dog ignoring all commands to return to us and bounding blissful into the distance at 30mph, said "distance" being a minefield of various hazards including potential access to main roads, wildlife etc etc Honestly it beggars belief sometimes the way they are so good at making out like the bare minimum is OK and like we're overreacting and need to learn to relax, so yes I empathise with how livid you're feeling right now!

As I say if it helps he has got better over time and when i leave them alone for the weekend now I fully trust that she loved and cared for, is fed at her regular feeding times and gets at least an hours walk every day. He genuinely loves her to bits but I think the reality of having a dog came as a bit of a shock to begin with and made him shut down. Now that we have a better routine and have fully bonded with our dog it's a lot easier for him to use his initiative to think about her needs and the situation is so much more manageable but I remember how difficult those first few months are.

In some ways I would compare it to moving in with someone and realising that you both have different thresholds when it comes to tidiness at home. Your tolerance is probably lower than his and accordingly you are more conscientious and quicker to use your initiative to respond to situations regarding your dog and put the dog's best interests first, whereas his threshold is higher so until the situation reached his version of "breaking point" he wouldn't think to do anything about it.

Frustrating but I promise it gets better. New dogs are very, very hard work to begin with so go easy on yourself and try to be kind to each other even when he is being an absolutely useless arse

Get him told op. I have a dog and a husband. We share walks, vet stuff, feeding etc. Puppies are brutal, our ddog is a lab and was an arsehole as a pup !