falling out with my best friend....

[pigwoman]

I need to let off some steam. I am quite upset, as last night me and my best mate had a huge argument. She has 2 kids, the eldest is 9, the youngest is 5. I have just had my first.

I was complaining that I was tired with the broken nights breastfeeding. I thought she would join in, saying how tired she is too, but she flew off the handle saying how I never appreciated how tired SHE was, how I never helped her out when we came over hers or when she came over, how I never considered her when we went out drinking / on holiday etc.

Now, before I had my daughter, I never knew what it was like to have kids. Very few of my friends had kids, and we led a hectic life clubbing, travelling, partying etc. She is right, I never considered her needs when she visited etc, as I never really knew what they were. I never knew what it was like caring for a baby, that it was exhausting, that you never get a break, how much you worry etc, and my mate never complained. I am not excusing my behaviour, as now I know what it is like to have kids, I can't believe how selfish I was. I am just saying that I never had any idea what it was like. I thought babies just slept all day and all night...

So I am not surprised she went mad at me, but I had kind of thought she would understand where I was coming from, and I was kind of reaching out to her saying I now know what you went through. During the argument, I apologised for my previous behaviour (as I have pretty much continuously since DD was born). When I was pregnant, I did the same, but she kept on inviting me down the pub / club etc knwoing that I couldnt drink.

You see, now I know what it is like, I feel sympathy towards other new mums and pregnant people, so for my best mate to be so not understanding is hard.

Any advice?

No advice, but she sounds pretty unreasonable to me... Very odd reaction!

it sounds like she has been bottling it all up and she had a release

i have a friend who has never had children and she has no idea what its like and it drives me insane

wait a few days til it all calms down and hopefully you 2 can put it behind you

try to talk about other things apart from children from time to time though

Unlike mumpbump, I think it is a totally natural reaction.

I was exactly like you, to my best friend. And feel that I hve continually apologised since ds's birth and even now that is not enough.

But, lets not be too hard on ourselves, we are selfish before we have children and we don't know what it is like to be a parent.
How could we ?

But I do think her reaction is a bit o-t-t, especially seeing as you have repeatedly apologised.

Like mnailpolish says, sounds like it has built up for her and she needed to release.

maybe she has other things going on , aswell.

Is her dh supportive ?

It sounds like you need some 'her-and-you-time'.

Could both your dh's look after the children for just one evening, while you and her have a lovely chat over a glass of wine.

That could sort it all out !!

I have looked at other threads, and people often comment that there is a huge gap between people with kids and those without. But I had hoped that now we would now be closer, as we both have kids and can share experiences. I didn't expect her to react like this, and I'm unsure how to broach the subject with her next time we talk. The idea of going for a drink whil dh's babysit sounds like a good one, but I really wouldnt look forward to it for once.

The idea that she has been bottling it up is a sensible idea, but it hurts me that she could never say these things to me before.

I would chalk it up to her having a bad day and not mention it if it were me. Chances are it will simply blow over. If it happened again, then I'd consider saying something.

does sound a bit like she overreacted - a lot of my mates haven't had kids and I fully accept that they have no idea what it's really like, and try not to hold any of the selfishness against them - I just think to myself. they'll realise one day!

but she's obviously bottled it up and chose that point to let it all out!

bit unreasonable, but if she's a good friend hopefully you can understand and put it behind you?

give her a call and say you're glad she told you all of that and got it off her chest and you totally understand now how she must have felt. suggest the dp's look after the children and can you take her for a meal and a few drinks to make it up to her. have a lovely night out. and forget it all.