A bit of background: my OH cheated on me last year with a work colleague. We split for a bit and then I took him back as I still loved him and could see that he was truly sorry, loved me and trying to change himself to be a better person.
We have been together 12 years and moved into a new flat at the start of the year.
Things were going good he was coming home after work and only went out with friends on a Friday night.
Then I noticed one day there was some messages on his phone by a name I didn't recognise on his lock screen.
I shouldn't have done it but I then read the messages. There was quite a lot of messages from a girl and I can see they work together.
They were asking to go on cigarette breaks together or just general chat about how drunk or hungover one was etc.
There wasn't any flirting it was just "banter"
I decided to meet him one night after work with his work friends and she was there. She's about 20 tomboy type girl.
One night he came back at midnight from a beer festival with work colleagues.
I saw a message pop up on his phone saying "are you really willing to mess everything up for me?"
Curiosity got me and then later that night I looked again. He wrote back" I meant everything I said."
She said "omg shall we mess our lives up? Are you being serious? "
He was asleep so didn't reply. I couldn't sleep.
The day after I questioned him in a calm way about who was this girl and what that message meant.
He apologised and said he should have told me. He said she is just a friend we get on well.
I asked him about he message and he said she wrote that because he was staying out late and ignoring my calls whilst with her.
He then said I wrote "everything I said" because I told her no I have to leave now my girlfriend would be upset."
I said it was upsetting me the amount of messages going on and he said ok I will cut down. He said I know it looks bad but there is nothing in it. I wouldn't have let you meet each other if it was.
Fast forward this week,
I thought he seemed not himself on Monday and (after weeks) decided to check his phone. There had been quite a few texts over the weekend (more then texting me) and she sent a photo of herself. He wrote "cute pic, I've saved this" he said he also told his mum and showed her this photo.
I felt sick, and decided to ask him what was wrong. He denied nothing was wrong and then said he was just tired. I kept pushing and then finally he said he isn't happy with life. He said he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He doesn't know if he wants to work at his job, live in this city or be with me.
I asked him again about this other girl and again he said they were just friends but said he has developed small feelings for her. He said that he loves me though and it's not love with her.
I said if you want to continue being with me then you need to stop communicating with her. He said but she's a good friend and we get on well. I said I'm sorry but you can't have both.
He said he wants to go away for a month and think about things and then come back and let me know what he feels as he is confused. I said no you need to make a decision, I'm not waiting for you to decide.
He said he is confused with life and that he loves me but doesn't know if he loves me enough. He said he will stay at a friends house he didn't know how long.
I asked him what he wants to do and he said I think it's over? He was crying, I said is that what you want and he said I don't know.
We talked some more and he said it's best that it's over I'm sorry for breaking your heart. We hugged and I was trying to not cry but couldn't help it.
He said he will pack and leave shortly. I said I'm going for a walk as I do not want to watch you go.
I then called my mum and cried and then spent the night at my best friends house as I didn't want to be alone.
I havnt messaged him nor me. My dad has stayed with me for the past couple of days as I hate being alone especially at night.
He said he will still pay his side of the rent for the next few months until the lease is up. He said he will collect the rest of his things soon.
His family have text me telling me they are shocked and gutted and that he will not find someone like me.
I have days where I feel relieved, gutted, sick, angry everything and cry about twice a day. I have a good support system of family and friends though. Cannot believe this and the fact I'm single and just turned 30, not what I was expecting