Asking for a friend, of course. :)
TL;DR: My wife and I agreed to convert our relationship into a friends-with-benefits arrangement and are struggling to find the right balance between continuing with the arrangement versus stopping it. Help!
The long story:
Let's say my wife of 17 years dumped me because she felt bored in the relationship, as in not having felt any love and passion any more for a considerable amount of time. She felt constrained by having to be together with me. I was devastated, but on the next day, I came up with an idea.
I asked her if she would be willing to convert this into a friends-with-benefits arrangement instead of breaking up completely in order to explore whether we were just in need of feeling free again, kind of as a last resort. That way, we could possibly get together again if the situation changed -- or not, if it turned out we were actually done with each other. This was possible because we don't live in the same city. She agreed. So we agreed mutually that we would not ask or feel obliged to answer any questions about the time not spent together, we would not be together any more, but we would still spend occasional holidays together every few weeks to have sex and explore if we still liked each other, and we would not to tell anyone about this arrangement or experiment.
I suggested this arrangement for three reasons: 1. I still loved her and wanted to be with her, and this was the only chance of getting her back. I wouldn't want to give up such a long marriage lightly. 2. I, too, felt the need to be free and sleep with other women, but I would have never done it without permission. 3. We wouldn't tell anyone because we knew this would be socially frowned upon, and people would either try to convince us to get back together or split up completely.
While still sad, I also quickly became excited and thought about the new possibilities. After all, I hadn't touched anyone else for more than 17 years. I quickly started sleeping with other women and enjoyed it quite a bit (though I have to say that sex with my wife is really good in comparison with my other, new experiences). There were a few one-night-stands and two women with whom I slept about every two weeks. It was fun and easy, and it was clear to everybody involved that this was only for fun. I wasn't so sure about the first one since she actually wasn't really my type. But good enough to make me feel alive. The second one was a few years older and more experienced than me, and we quickly started enjoying each other immensely. She was married, too, and I was her sidekick. I told her I wouldn't assume any responsibility for her marriage, and she said she would find somebody else if I didn't do it. So I went with it. It was clear that this was merely physical and perhaps a bit of a chat afterwards, but nothing more. It got better every time, and there is quite some sympathy now.
At the same time, I could feel that my wife was growing closer to me again. We laughed more together on the phone. Our holidays were full of enjoyable experiences that brought us closer together. It felt almost like being together again. As per the arrangement, I did not tell her anything and was not expecting her to tell me anything. I'm quite good at keeping things separate. After all, it was irrelevant to what we had. I enjoyed this development but was still cautious.
At some point she revealed to me that she had taken a look at the flesh market and hadn't seen anything that was worth pursuing. According to her, there were only idiots and losers, which was increasing my market value in a way. I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not. I felt a bit bad that I was sleeping with others and she wasn't. She really shouldn't have told me. Anyway, I took comfort in the fact that she could have done it, and it was her own fault if she didn't.
After a while, she asked me, half jokingly, if we should move together. I spat out my water and told her that this was hardly possible since we were technically separated. I asked her if she still wanted to be separated or if she had changed her mind. She said she wasn't sure and asked me what I wanted. I said I'd rather keep it separate for now because being together at this point would only lead us back to where we started. I told her we should rather continue with the arrangement for a bit in order not to kill this tiny but growing little flower before it was stable enough to be re-potted. She agreed, but then asked me if I was only saying this because I had somebody lined up I was eager to fuck in the next month but hadn't got the chance yet. I truthfully denied that, but I did get a bit of a bad conscience because I did not want to sleep with other women if she didn't approve of me doing it. So I decided to end all my extramarital activities in order not to cheat on her. After all, I wanted to be with her, and I didn't want to jeopardise that.
As a consequence, I called the first of my two fuck buddies immediately and told her that I wouldn't be able to see her any more because of these recent developments. She was a bit disappointed but said I was making the right decision. But then I thought about stopping that second, much more enjoyable relationship as well, and something told me that this would be the wrong decision. So I held back and started thinking about it some more.
On the same evening, my wife called me again and said she felt very lonely, whether I was with her or not. She wanted to fall in love again, if possible with me, if not perhaps with somebody else, but she just couldn't enforce it. That kind of hurt me as I had previously thought we were on a good path. She said we were, but it still didn't feel perfect. Well, I was glad I hadn't cancelled that other relationship yet.
Now I am in this dilemma, or actually, two trade-offs. The first is a rational dilemma: should I end my casual relationship, which I enjoy quite a bit, for the uncertain prospects of getting back together with my wife? The second one is a moral dilemma: should I end my casual relationship because I promised my wife I wouldn't want to extend the separation just to get the opportunity to fuck somebody I had been trying to crack up? Technically, that's not the case, but I'm not sure if this would also extend to the case where I have already been sleeping with somebody and would want to extend that beyond the current point. Then again, she doesn't seem to be able to make up her mind. I'd like to support her with that, but I'm afraid I would only re-instate the original situation if I gave in and fully belonged to her again. Something makes me think that I shouldn't even give her the feeling that I was not sleeping with anybody. Perhaps it would be even better to induce some jealousy such that she makes up her mind and wants to keep me. Of what use is an arrangement like that, after all, if it remains inconsequential to our mutual perceptions?
Any thoughts on how to proceed?